~ d a r k n e s s ~

e n d

2011-07-29T23:11:00.001+08:00

Today excluded, I have exactly 2 more days to reality.

Two.

More.

Days.

Come this Monday, I will have to leave sanctuary, I will have to leave the joy of returning to the place I find peace, tranquility & serenity. Cruel reality awaits my return at the beginning of next week, as the feeling of TONS (note the caps and bold) of emails in my company email lingers above my head.

I wonder, why do happy times always pass us by so fast?

And frustrated, headache, unhappy days at work seems to pass by slower?

Yes, purely psychological. Painful to accept, yes, but again, who are we to actually compare & weight the amount of time we've wasted on so much things in life ?

Life is too short to worry bout stuffs, so be it.

Will be returning back home by tomorrow evening.

Be strong, be alert, LYJ.

It's gonna be rough this coming week.

r e t u r n

2011-07-27T00:06:00.000+08:00

I'm finally back to the exact same neighbourhood I've once lived in, for 2 long years during my university days.

Ahhhh....

Feels good to be back home.

s e r e n i t y -- Chapter 2

2011-07-27T00:01:00.001+08:00

(Delayed post – Initially posted on 25/07/11, 9:46 PM, a resort in Lang Tengah Island, Terengganu)

This shall be the last chapter of well, the “island” part along my self-realization trip in Terengganu.

Time flies as we all know. Just that happier times fly faster than the speed of light, before you even notice it. And crappy, stressful, f**ked up times are miraculously longer to severely torture your spirits as always.

Yes, along these 2 short days of island stay, I’ve been relaxing a lot. But still, I felt that the amount of “relaxation” I’ve experienced this round is so much lesser as compared to my previous session back at the crappy resort at Pulau Kapas. Yes indeed, I have to admit, the resort back there at Kapas was so much crappier in every aspect, but still, I felt that my self-realization sessions back there were so much more effective. It’s the overall level of satisfaction, sense of accomplishment . . . . which are definitely missing from my self-realization in Lang Tengah island this round. Maybe it’s because of the large number of people here? Not really THAT large, in a sense. Besides the throng of Caucasians, French & Dutch along the resorts next door and behind my current resort, that is. But well, they are really friendly people who will actually take the effort to SMILE at even strangers like me (which many Malaysians fail miserably), chat and share experiences, not to mention the level of comfort you’ll get by just speaking casually to them. Gosh, now I know how bad we Malaysians speak to strangers.

But yeah, back to the topic of overall satisfaction.

What’s really missing from my self-realization this round? I don’t know, I really don’t know. Maybe I was overloaded with activities along my stay here? FYI, I’ve been doing massive snorkelling, kayaking, swimming & extensive nearby resorts’ side-seeing just for today. Hmmmm, might be possible. Coz this time, I felt that I have so much lesser time for myself to actually sit down, think, reminiscense, relax and start planning what lies ahead. Unlike my previous session, despite having massive snorkelling sessions in between, I still get to squeeze in some time to actually do some deep thoughts before deciding that “OK, I’m done here”. Maybe I should opt for a “Free & Easy” package the next time I do my self-realization sessions in Terengganu’s islands. Screw those snorkelling sessions.

The results so far after today?

Minimal self-realization results, met & made friends with a friendly couple from Sydney, Australia who are currently undergoing some freaking serious sh*t “Visit Malaysia” planning (they will be here up to Wednesday, & then going to Pulau Perhentian, Taman Negara and Penang in the next 2 weeks!), got closer to my friendly “personal” island tour guide – Mr Mahathir (yes, similar name with our country’s ex-premier), and interesting topics discussion with the current resort’s caretaker/manager – Pak Long (as how everyone address him here). Some amazing 61 year old police retiree with 2 wives and the youngest daughter at 11 months. Yes, you read that right. 11 MONTHS OLD DAUGHTER. WTF ??!

Ok let’s not emphasis anymore on other people’s lives.

To cut a long story short, I’ll be up early again tomorrow and hopefully I can get myself a really feasible, workable self-realization session before I leave this island to return to mainland & back to the place I once and always miss so, so much.

KUALA TERENGGANU, here I come.

Please wait for me.

s e r e n i t y -- Chapter 1

2011-07-26T23:56:00.002+08:00

(Delayed post – Initially posted on 24/07/11, 10:49 PM, a resort in Lang Tengah Island, Terengganu)

Finally . . .

I’m back at the place I find peace, tranquillity & most importantly – serenity.

Why serenity?

For me, I define serenity as a state of mind where my mind can finally put to ease. A feeling in which I can feel physically that all of a sudden, the heavy “burden” due to the excessive amount of stress I have collected along the way from the hectic life in KL, can finally be let go. Let go. Let’s just say serenity in my sense is releasing stress, my way.

Now that I’m finally back to Terengganu, as I’m typing this, I’m away from mainland and also away from any form of communication, be it Internet access, phone calls or even phone sms’. My location spoiler? Up there when I mentioned that I’m currently in one of the resorts in Lang Tengah Island. Not planning to disclose my exact current location, due to I do not want to do free publicity for this resort. Not that I hate or dislike this resort as much as I hated my PREVIOUS RESORT , but well, let’s just keep to the main topic, no?

One of the main reasons I always slot in an island trip during my annual trip back to Terengganu is coz of this. The sole cause to actually do some “self-talking” or self-realization, in a sense. This might sound crazy and cuckoo for some but for me, it actually works out well to manage my currently sky-high level of stress and also to re-set my goals & direction in life. You see, sometimes we really need this kind of heads-up exercise to really grow up knowing you’re heading the right way. And with all the f**king (sorry, I just can’t think of any other better words to describe this than to use the infamous 4 letter word) hell I’ve been through in KL for the past 6 months due to my FANTASTIC new job, I can’t help it but to pray hard, keep fingers crossed and hope that this self-realization trip can materialize by July as I know that the Muslims’ puasa month starts on August and I wouldn’t wanna go to an Islamic state knowing that almost everyone here can’t eat nor drink along my period of stay !

Ok, now I’m here, what is next?

It’s approaching the end of the day now, let me just summarize the findings for today.

I feel better. SO MUCH BETTER, seriously. It can’t get any better to be here than to be at KL having to starve and convince myself on how screwed up is my life. I’m not saying that all the stress I got from KL are due to my current 6 mths new job, or those crappy drivers in KL/PJ which basically drive me nuts (literally), but what I’m trying to say is....yes, my sky-high stress level mainly comes from my workplace. Seriously.

FYI, I’m the one & only solo guest left in this resort for my whole stay duration of 3D2N. According to the staff here, most people have already left the island earlier this morning (after I came in to the island on the morning session, the staff here basically stuff everyone from the island back to the mainland). Seems like everyone needs to work the next day, I guess. That’s why everyone is rushing to go back mainland by Sun ! Hmmmm...good. Let those jokers go back and not disturb my peaceful & deep thoughts I’ve been through.

To keep it short, my 1^st day back here, it’s truly therapeutic and I felt so much better physically and emotionally. Too bad they don’t have body massage here, else I’ll definitely go for it to further boost my current weak physical form. I’m slowly beginning and understand what’s all those stress nonsense is about, up in my head, rather than wasting time to think what’s my damn problem which is causing all these unnecessary stress. It’s like this sudden surge of intelligence which struck up in my head, out of nowhere, I seem to be able to find answers for everything. Too bad it lasted only for a while. Now that I’m clear-headed on my whole situation, guess it’s time to think rationally and go release some stress from my pending pipeline.

I always felt that self-realization/self talk is the best way to solve problems for me, as I always feel that the one & ONLY person that actually understands and knows what you want are definitely NOT your beloved spouse, but yourself. Yes, yourself.

Ok, I’m beginning to feel sleepy and dizzy. Going over to bed now.

Next chapter up ahead the next day.

r e l a x

2011-05-26T22:13:00.001+08:00

Silence.

Total silence at home.

Ahhhhh.

It's really been sometime since this feeling, this tranquil feeling of peace and quietness fall upon me. Total silence in the comfort of my own home.

As the rest of the family left for vacation and left me alone at home, I felt peaceful. Calm. Tranquil. And out of a sudden, all the unhappiness, sorrow, work related nonsense, crappy issues and all - disappear. Disappear, just like that. Well, just only for a brief moment, that is. But still, it's worth mentioning (although I clearly know that I kind of abandoned this quiet, little dark corner of my blog for sometime already).

In fact, the feeling of returning to a place I can really, really, really, really sit down, relax, turn off all electronic equipments I possess, disconnect myself from the outside hectic world filled with selfish bastards and irritating bitches, read a book I really and wanted to read since my last trip, and yes, still the same old word.

RELAX.

Truly relax, that is.

In order for me to reach this level of tranquility, there's no other place than the place I miss (and always), miss, and miss so much.

~~~~

Everytime when I hold my car's steering wheel, before I start my car to face the ugly, selfish, idiotic driving world of KL-lites.

Everytime when I hold the handles' of my motorbike, before I strive and fight my way through dangerous and hazardous dangers ahead with speedy drivers and deep potholes, in order to reach my destination in the shortest time.

Everytime when I'm stressed out at work, struggling and gaining self-pity in the process, wondering why do I deserve such punishment and unfair share of heavy workload as compared to other colleagues.

Everytime when I reach home, only to continue suffering from noise pollution and endless blabbering from my mom, boring speeches from my dad, and childish rants from my elder sister.

Everytime when I needed to get more rest, more sleep, more time to think and start planning ahead on what am I supposed to do, and where am I actually heading to.

Everytime when my faith towards our Creator drops below the negative level, since I didn't believe in any religion, I needed to regain my self-faith and trust towards my inner self.

Everytime when I yearn of soothing weather, friendly people, selfless and simple village folks who will never think of taking your advantage and greet your presence with a simple smile.

Everytime when I long to hear the sound of crashing sea waves, voices of laughter deep from the heart, sound of the motorboat's engine running, and getting my bare feet wet with salt water.

Everytime when I feel that I'm getting angry too quickly, I'm getting stressed out too easily, I'm getting tired too often, and most importantly, I'm getting further and further away from the real me.

....

I will think of you.

My dear Terengganu.

Time to start planning for my solo Terengganu trip this year.

I've yearn for this every year.

d e m o t i v a t e d

2011-05-23T22:50:00.000+08:00

Right now, I'm severely demotivated.

Restless.

Unwell.

Sad.

Down.

Sick of everything around me.

And I really, really need to return to Terengganu.

Alone.

Back to the place I once found tranquility.

Always.

When shall the time comes ?

f r u s t r a t i o n

2011-02-07T08:07:00.000+08:00

[DISCLAIMER : This is posted out of extreme frustration and dissatisfaction. Kindly ignore this post.]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!! I NEED MORE CNY HOLIDAYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS......I DON'T WANT TO START WORK TODAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. FEELS LIKE SHIT TODAY..........ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ALSJKFHSDKJFHDIOFESDKHFRGJKDGJKLDFHBDFNMHKJDFGHKLGFGHDFJKGHGSDJ

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Fingers crossed that today will be over REAL soon.

f i n a l l y

2011-01-13T19:18:00.001+08:00

Finally.

Yes, finally, my "so-called-in-between-job-vacation" have come to its end. Start next Monday, I shall kick off this brand new year with a new job, or should I say, a career path I used to pass by 2 years back. The banking line . . . . ahhh, I'm finally back to the banking line. Many people believed that once you stick to the banking line for too long, you shall be with it for the rest of your life. Personally, I don't really believe what others say until me myself experience it, so let's just see what the new job have in store for me.

Till then, I shall keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.

Guess it's time for Lady Luck to work out.

c o o l d o w n

2011-01-07T13:24:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year 2011 !

Ohhhh, the new year is finally here to remind me that time is ticking off fast, and like it or not, another 365 days from 2010 have just been wasted. What achievements have been accomplished? What is yet to be completed? What new resolution is up for this new year? Frankly speaking, I'm not a "resolution" kind of person. In fact, I hate them. Why is that? It's because I feel the more resolution I put ahead for myself, the more remorse and regretful I will get by the end of this year because I won't be able to get any of the resolutions up & accomplished. It's not that I'm thinking from the negative perspective or looking at things the wrong way, but that's the way it is. So much I said I hate planning for something, yet I still need to plan to get some things done. But definitely not for resolutions. Never ever.

And as I'm posting this up, I'm currently "hiding" away from civilization, far away from the cruel corporate, metal-filled metropolitan city of Kuala Lumpur. I'm currently on long leave at my maternal grandmother's place before starting off my new job. Well, let's just treat this "long leave" as a minor time gap between the last working day of my previous job and the first day of my upcoming new job. I tend to have this habit of leaving at least 3 weeks to 2 months' time for "cooldown period", a time frame I leave for myself, basically idling and doing nothing. Usually, I'll take the initiative to return to my maternal grandmother's place for around a week or so, to actually slow things running up my head. Well, like it or not, the busy and hectic life of the city is causing my blood pressure to slowly shoot up, my patience slowly losing off, my temper slowly killing off everyone around me, and most importantly, my urge for the annual return back to Terengganu was not materialized last year, which is why I desperately need a dose of small, country style living to actually balance off the amount of nonsense I've accumulated along the way living in this metal-city of KL.

In fact, everytime I return to this place I call my 2nd home (Terengganu is my 1st, KL is my 3rd), everyone I know around here (relatives & friends of my mom) tend to ask me the same old question - "Why does a city guy like you, love to come back to this kind of small town? This place does not have the same atmosphere as your city." Well, I don't actually blame them for asking this kind of question. In fact, if I were in their shoes, I would ask this question too. The answer is simple enough - because I wanted to cool down; slow down from all the hustles and tussles in the city. In fact, what I can say is after studying in Terengganu for 3 long years, it really affect my mentality and my perspective towards village-like, small town life. Last time, I used to think that staying in this kind of village-like environment are boring and hopeless. Now that I finally understand the logic behind it, I get it. This kind of peaceful, stress-free life is exactly the ingredient to make you a happier, and cheerful person. No more grumbling behind the Net-sphere like what I'm doing now, no more hot tempers, no more high blood pressure, no more bad health. It's all just slow and steady at this kind of place.

My aunty, who is running a small insurance agency at this place, asked me a very random question a few days ago. She asked whether I would be interested in the insurance field, as she's planning to handover her whole business here to me, if I'm really interested. I was speechless for a moment, and then I answered her in a gentle tone :

"Anything is possible. I will definitely let u know when the time comes."

Why that uncertain answer? For myself, I take that as a very certain, definite answer. Because I might take up the offer and live at this small town for the rest of my life. Who knows? My passion towards village-like life is deep; very deep indeed, but no one shall understand this fact besides myself. Let it be then.

As I'll be leaving this place tomorrow to return to the big city, I shall treasure and appreciate the past whole week I've spent at this place, reminiscing, looking back, and freeing myself from troubles' & headaches accumulated along the way.

Goodbye, my dear grandmother. I shall see you again later during Chinese New Year.

p e r f e c t i o n

2010-12-29T09:47:00.000+08:00

It cannot be denied.

As per subject, we as ordinary human beings, tend to look for perfection.

Why am I saying this ?

~ whining mode up ahead ~

It all happens right after my last working day at my (now) previous company. People always say that you won't be able to understand something, until you experience it yourself. And now that I have finally experience my last working day at the work place I've merely worked for a short term, I can't help but to feel that I am already missing my ex-company. Sounds familiar? Hell yeah. Frankly speaking, true experience speaks for itself. Sometimes you might feel that leaving your current job for a supposedly better one with competitively better exposure, salary, and position will render you immune to emotional feelings. But again, once that "reminiscence" kind of feeling goes above your head, you won't be able to do anything except feeling helpless and wonder what in the world provoked you to take such a huge plunge. And believe me, once that feeling appears out of a random, you'll feel crappy. As in, REALLY CRAPPY.

~ end of supposedly-whining mode ~

Well, back to the perfection topic. What's perfection have to do with reminiscence, you ask? Well, nothing much, except that after you have experienced the conditions from the other side, you just totally forgot the whole idea of missing your ex-company, bla bla, yada yada, and feel that going to this new, upcoming company is a wise step. Ohh wow, the sudden change of order confuses you? Nothing fancy, really. It's just that by just doing a simple "site survey" on the surroundings of this upcoming new company of mine, I found out several interesting facts that I'm more than surprised to notice it. Well, back to the original quote : "you won't be able to understand something, until you experience it yourself". And so be it.

The official, first working day shall fall in the next 2 weeks or so.

Till then, I shall keep my fingers crossed and hope that the best is yet to come, as the eclipse of year 2010 fades slowly to welcome the dawn of 2011.

I need lots of luck. Seriously.

c h r i s t m a s

2010-12-25T00:38:00.002+08:00

As I'm posting this up, the clock ticks 12:00AM sharp, indicating the beginning of 25/12/2010, also known as the Christmas Day.

Well, I'm no Christian for sure (an Atheist, perhaps?), thus I don't celebrate Christmas. It's just that I can't help but to start thinking bout how my Christmas (almost) every year tend not to fail me in terms of a drastic or major change. Why is that ?

To summarize things, well, today is my last working day in this current company. Christmas Eve as the last working day. How fancy is that ? Fancy enough until you're sort of "forced" to have lunch with your worst enemy, sitting side-by-side, having speechless lunch with an unexplainable, uneasy feeling. In fact, I really don't know how can I end up having lunch, not any ordinary lunch, but my FAREWELL lunch with the person I hate the most in the company after one of my usual lunch "kaki's", called this enemy of mine along for lunch. Ohhh great.

Well, crappy farewell lunch aside, back to this topic. Christmas.

I still recall, 2 years ago, my Christmas was much sadden by the "loss" of my dear, good ol' Toyota Corolla to the 2nd hand car dealer. And now, this year, I have to bear the pain of having to leave the company which I really, really miss from the bottom of my heart. In fact, I have to admit that this company is the 1st ever company which I really miss after leaving.

And now that I have already stepped out of the company, under the status of "Resigned staff", I guess I just have to move forward and never, ever look back. Like what a colleague told me today, he said "The grass should be greener on the other side". Well, not much can be said bout whether the upcoming new environment is, indeed, greener than this current company of mine, but what makes me miss this company so much is because of the people here. I always feel that the people here are so much friendlier, nicer, peaceful, and humble as compared to my previous job at the bank where everyone just mind their own bl**dy business and no one cares bout u. But here in this company, I can feel the warmth. The feel as if you're back home.

I have to admit, sometimes I've really regret having to leave this current company. It's not like I hate this company, or I hate my boss or something like that. Yes, every person have their own goals and expectation towards the company they're working with, yet for myself, I felt that if I ever continue to stay here, I won't be able to advance and progress to the next stage. It's like as if I'm being thrown to the fridge, for a long long time. Long enough for me to become ice cube, that is. And when a better promotion offer by a 3rd party, complimented by an opportunity to learn more things come along, I cannot resist the temptation but to give it in and abandon this place of comfort I long rest in for the past 1 year. It's not that I don't like being in the comfort zone, but having to stick at places like this with no chance of career advancement isn't doing me any good. Might as well don't waste my youth, and go out to strive an achievement out.

And now that I'm out of there, guess it's time for me to take a good rest, rejuvenate, enjoy the year end holidays, and prepare myself for the upcoming new challenge.

Let's just hope that things will become better as the new year of 2011 arrives.

My dear Boss, I'm so gonna miss you over here.

g o n e

2010-11-05T16:23:00.000+08:00

Gone are the slow, relaxing, pressure-free days of work.

I've tendered my resignation last week.

And my last day of service shall be on Christmas Eve. Go figure. With both fingers crossed, let's just hope for the best.

Ohhh my great boss, I'm so gonna miss you. Please do keep in touch.

o f f e r e d

2010-10-19T21:51:00.000+08:00

The decision has finally been made.

.

....

......

I took up the offer.

And they invited me to go over for medical check-up this coming Friday, and then to sign and take up the offer letter.

Ohh, how things fly, ehh? It has been less than a month since I last joked with my ex-boss regarding this opening in her department, and now I'm right in the beginning of the road to continue working with my ex-boss in a new environment. Sounds weird? Kind of. Sounds foolish? Not. Sounds cliche? Hell yeah.

Now that I can finally make up my mind on this complicated matter, what's next is to deal with the excessive "sudden surge" of emotions running up my head. It's just . . . . . just this weird feeling I felt, right after the new company's HR people called me up earlier this noon to confirm on my medical check-up appointment. I felt a sense of . . . . . sorrow. In fact, this is the 1st time, ever, that I feel this way before changing jobs. Every time before I change jobs, I felt ridiculously overjoyed. Happy. Exaggerated joy. Tears of joy flowing on and on. But this time . . . . . . there was no such feeling. No sense of happiness. Joy. No tears, not even a single tear of joy shed. Even with the 30% salary increment perception up my head, the sense of accomplishment, the sense of joy in improving my current salary, my feelings deep inside never cease to come up with a tiny bit of joy. It's just . . . . just like another ordinary day. Just like another Monday up ahead.

Maybe it's because I currently have the best boss . . . . ever. (note the word : EVER). Well, maybe her characteristics and attitude that made her the best boss ever with such a decent physical outlook, a sweet voice, a pleasant and soft attitude, a caring boss, a boss that never scolded me before during my entire tenure with this company, a boss who is more like a friend than a superior when it comes to ordinary chat, and most importantly, a very nice boss to work with. But maybe the one and only one weakness that this boss of mine have, which determines my upcoming, future career path, made me rethink the decision to stay on with my current company and continue to provide my services. Due to her soft attitude, she may be a very pleasant boss to work with, but when it comes to decision making, staff management and issue reporting - in other words, "cruel" corporate management - she is way too far behind as compared to her more aggressive counterparts. Summary wise, it simply means a boss with excellent personality doesn't always play as a productive superior at work. Well, no one is perfect, totally understandable. But for the sake of my future career, I have no choice but to just bid my current boss farewell. Guess both money and opportunity are calling me out from the other side. But still, I'll still remember this boss of mine as a very good friend; in fact, a pleasant person to be friends with.

And not forgetting, the people in this company. Despite me only serving almost a year of service here, I have met, see, talked and known quite a number of people. Tall, short, old, young, friendly, cocky, you name it, we have it. I have seen new guys join the company and left, I have seen long serving staff "forcing" themselves to work happily day by day, I have seen my colleagues ranting about the amount of work they have, I have seen friends grumbling about how unorganized was the whole process in the company, and lots more other things I have never seen in my previous companies. Yes, this company is truly a company comprised of different people with different background working together. In fact, I can say that this company has all the main characteristics of a retiring home. Not to condemn this company of mine, but yes, true enough, this company will be the place I want to be for my last job ever before retiring. Everything seems to be slow and steady here; everyone just mind their own business, life goes on day by day, and before you know it, it's retirement day. Nice to be, nice to have, nice to enjoy. Ask for no more. Who knows, I might return to this place again in the future when all I needed was just a company with all the peace and quiet in one place ? With fingers crossed, who knows ?

As for now, it's best for me to start counting on my official last day in this company, so that I can at least inform the new company on my start date to be typed onto the offer letter.

For my friends who are currently reading this,

Please wish me luck, despite me not believing in luck. I take that as a sign of good omen for better things to come.

I sincerely hope that this decision be the right one.

c l i c h e

2010-10-16T22:19:00.001+08:00

Today, I finally opened up a folder from my home PC, which I have long abandoned.

...

A folder with the title "Interview Stuffs".

Yes, in case you're wondering . . . . . . I'm in the midst of preparing my resignation letter for my current job. And that's not the best part. When I opened up my previous resignation letter as a template for the current one, I can't help but to notice that the person to address, whom I wrote my resignation letter from my previous job, will again (yes, AGAIN), become my future superior, whom now holds a higher position.

Ohhh, what a cliche.

A brief background on what happened. My ex-supervisor (not BOSS, mind you) from my previous company, changed her job to another company from the same industry. Just several weeks ago, she left me a message in Facebook, asking me to recommend her a few candidates to apply for a job in her new department, as she has been promoted from Assistant Manager from the previous company, to a Manager in this current company, and she's desperately looking for people to increase the headcount. I joked with her, asking whether I myself could apply for the position or not, as a Team Leader. Astonished, she told me that yes, I am more than qualified & can definitely apply for the position, and believe it or not, she was more than delighted when I asked the question in the 1st place ! Well, so it went off with me submitting my resume to her, her HR people called me up for an interview (in which it's not really like a formal interview, with HR asking ALL the questions and my ex-supervisor just sat there, doing nothing), after the interview, I called up her to ask bout the status, and her HR returned call to ask me bout the salary thing, and the next thing I know, I got the offer. As expected, yes, but . . . . . . .

WOW.

Everything just happened so quick. Not to mention, unexpected.

Frankly speaking, initially I do not have a single intention to quit my current job in the 1st place. But after what happened here and here, I can't help but to start contemplating on my next career move, whether to continue staying here in this peaceful and slow-moving company to rot with my "totally-non-IT-related" job scope, or to just move on to another level in terms of career advancement and personal improvement. Well, definitely the latter sounds more tempting to many, but in reality, everything isn't as simple as it seems. To a fresh graduate who is currently working on his 1st ever job, yes this might be an easy decision. But for someone like me who have been going through numerous job changes in such a short amount of time, it isn't an easy step to take. One wrong plunge and I might either land on Heaven or Hell. Simple as that. And if I really landed in Hell (*touches wood*), well, the road ahead will be much more difficult to move on.

For this new upcoming job offered by my ex-supervisor, well, sad & happy to say that I'm moving back to the banking line. Why both sad & happy? Sad because I'm going to work with the almost same bunch of people whom I worked before (my ex-supervisor and gang) in which might lead to boredom, happy because well, the money ! Do you know that this new company is offering me a tremendous 30% salary increase from my current one? It's definitely not easy to get such a huge leap in salary increment, not even if I get promoted 2 ranks for my current position ! So it all comes back to that ugly piece of rotten paper, destined to either ruin or improve someone's life. And like what most people say, "Never mess with money as you'll be a loser in the end if you do". And that's what I did.

I'm planning to take up the offer.

Not messing with the money. Not messing up my future either. In fact, it's much more easier to work on with my ex-supervisor-cum-future-boss from now on, as you will basically have a grip on what is the characteristic and personality of the superior. But still . . . . . . . I'm still (yes, still) contemplating on whether am I doing the right thing. I still have the time up to next Monday to give their HR the final answer in salary and confirmation of offer before I finally confirm my move and sign up their offer letter. Which is why I'm taking this weekend to actually sit down quietly and think of where am I heading to.

Guess the benefit of doubt still plays a major part in this decision making nonsense. I guess I already have the final decision. It's just the implementation part which is making everything tougher than it seems.

I shall not burden my head longer with unnecessary stress. Final answer to be up latest by next Monday. Updates to follow up later.

If only I could take the road less taken. Good one, Robert Frost.

m i x e d

2010-09-29T19:43:00.005+08:00

Next weekend, my first love-of-my-life will enter another stage of her life.

...

She's getting married.

And now that I have both the wedding invitation card and marriage biscuits on my hands, I have this weird, mixed feeling. This unexplainable, weird, mixed feeling of joy, sorrow, confusion, and anger. My first love . . . . . let's just address her as C.

I'm happy - because C has finally found her true love and getting married is just the beginning to a brand new phase of life with her chosen life partner. I congratulate her; I feel happy for her; I am surprised that she actually took the initiative to invite me to her dinner, and even gave me wedding biscuits (in which are usually given to close relatives rather than friends).

I'm sad - because well, explainable. This small feeling of sorrow deep inside, knowing that the first girl you've ever loved so much in the past will be leaving her hands, and future, to another lucky man whom I don't even know his name until I looked on the invitation card.

I'm confused - because of my current feelings. Should I not feel this way, to the first, ever girl I've loved ? Should I just forget about C, and even L, & get on with this cruel life ? I don't know, I really don't know what am I actually thinking right now. Reminiscing about your first love and not your recent, previous love is really something awkward. And now that this feeling is looming deep inside, I felt a slight sense of . . . . . regret.

I'm furious - because yes, I hate myself for not taking the extra mile to actually keep her by my side during that time. Might not be my fault entirely, but still, this guilt haunts me for almost a decade already. In fact, it's been almost a decade already since I first fall in a love with someone from the opposite sex, or should I say, Miss C.

Blend all of these feelings together, and what I get as a result is a mixed feeling. A mixed, unknown feeling deep inside, telling myself to stop giving unnecessary pressure to myself, or else I'll go nuts in no time.

But still, I feel grateful, for she still treats me as a close friend (she only invited 6 friends to her wedding dinner from the batch of friends I've known, including myself), and she didn't forget me at all despite the long period of time we've never met, maybe a year ago? Yes, I'm grateful, I'm grateful.

Maybe it's time to actually leave all these feelings behind. Maybe it's time to actually leave my heavy, emotional heart at bay. Maybe it's time to actually be really, really nice, and congratulate her from the bottom of my heart.

Or maybe it's time to . . . . . . .

Wake up.

Reality is yet another cruel fact.

c r o s s r o a d s

2010-09-09T17:37:00.000+08:00

A month ago, I shared something interesting here in my blog, regarding the reminiscence of where are we actually heading to; the exact direction which one should follow.

And just yesterday, I was "shot" deep inside my heart when someone at work told me something really, really unpleasant but too bad to be true. No lies, all facts. And this made me rethink about my current direction, in which I'm following all these while. Apparently, only now and exclusively now itself, I hate to say this but somehow it feels like I'm back to square one now. Back to the same old crossroad I've been 3 years ago when I just graduated from my university.

Frankly speaking, to cut a long story short, I'm lost. Again. Now that I'm back to this familiar crossroad, I can't stop myself from re-thinking the path I've taken 3 years ago. Or wait, should I say, the "wrong" path I took after my Form 5/SPM, in which I immediately went up to Form 6/STPM after both my parents' refusal to let me into 'A' Levels. . . which could change my life FOREVER. In other words, this wrong turn should track way back before I even step into this cruel, horrible corporate "dog-eats-cat" world.

Arghhhh.

No use crying over spilled milk.

The whole long winded story could be summarized to a simple flow diagram.

Free training available from Company --> tried to get approval for training from big boss --> big boss refused with tons of excuses and justification --> big boss explains on my overall job performance and main reason why was I sent back from Bangla to Malaysia --> big boss re-stress his point to refuse my application for training --> I became excessively emotional deep inside and that just screwed up my whole day, or should I say, for the next few weeks ?

And yes, apparently there is a reason on why was I sent back from Bangla to Malaysia in the 1st place. In fact, they simply replaced me with another person from my department without telling me this reason..... and I was just kept in the dark all the way, all the way until yesterday. And to receive this kind of humiliation without knowing what's going on or any details whatsoever from anyone, is definitely the highest insult.

My colleague, who was at the scene when my big boss told me off, informed me to go back and think deeply for yourself, whether are you aware of the current direction you're heading to? In other words, it simply means what type of work do you like to do?

Good question.

Deep confusion.

Excessive emotional response.

As I'm currently under direct stress and emotional breakdown, now I'm worried that this negative phenomenon might affect my final decision on where do I actually want to head to, career-wise.

Time to go back and think......real hard.

d i r e c t i o n

2010-08-08T09:38:00.000+08:00

As I am currently browsing the Net here in a random cafe in Ipoh, I suddenly recall a piece of interesting article I read from my office's table calendar. As it is simply a truthful article, I did save it down in my email to actually let me reminiscence, from time to time, on where am I actually heading to.

~~~~~

Where are we heading ?

These days we have taller buildings,
but shorter tempers, wider freeways,
narrower viewpoints, spend more, but have less, buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses, smaller families,
more conveniences, less time,
more degrees, less sense,
more knowledge, less judgment,
more experts, but more problems,
more medicines, less wellness.

We drink too much, spend too recklessly,
laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry quickly,
stay up late, get up tired, read too little,
watch TV too much and pray too seldom.

We talk too much, love too seldom,
hate too often. We've learned how to make a living,
but not a life.
We've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.
We've conquered outer space, but not inner space.
We've done large things, but not better things.
We've cleaned the air, but polluted the soul.
We've split the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less.
We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, not wait.
We have higher incomes, lesser morals.

With computers, we have more information, but less communication.
We long for quantity, but are short on quality.
We have double incomes, but more divorces, fancier houses, but broken homes.
So where are we heading?
Perhaps, it's time to stop and reflect.

~~~~

So......where are WE actually heading to?

d e a d l o c k ---- p t 2

2010-08-07T23:12:00.001+08:00

(This is a continuation from here.)

I'm currently posting this from the regular hotel I patron, everytime I drop by Ipoh. Not sure whether is it just me or what, it seems that the only time I can really sit down and write up something true and meaningful from my heart, are the times I step foot on either Terengganu or Ipoh.

And....

Now that I'm back to Ipoh, here I am, writing yet another "truly yours" post.

It's been almost 3 months since I last posted something regarding this dilemma I'm facing career-wise. This....this deadlock I was facing at that time, carried on up to today and worse case, it has come up to a serious, severe level. Now, it's not only career wise; it now affects me financially, emotionally, physically and worse still, overall mentality.

Financially wise, I'm currently in the verge of financial instability due to the fact that I just got back from an overseas trip which costs me a fortune of easily a few thousand RM, pampered myself with an Apple iPod Touch 3rd Gen 32GB direct from the Apple Store online, and paid off all my credit card bills every single month to avoid any overdue credits. And now? Living purely on a single source of income posts great responsibility and one needs to be either really smart financially or thrifty overall to actually make full use of such low income. What's more, I'm currently on a very, very tight arrangement for the sake of my overall well-being while being slowly slaughtered every single month for a whole freaking year. Thank you, smart guy. You have just created a 1 full year period of debts, directly into my own, monthly credit card bill.

Emotionally, well, it's the same old story again and again. Between me & L, there's already no turning back. Or should I say, reunification. Because simply said, it's like fighting a losing war. A war between me and her mom, and I can say that her mom is already a winner since day 1 I started dating her daughter, well, without her knowledge that is. And after exchanging sms's on a regular interval, the facts further strengthen its truth. Without L, I can still survive. But without L's love, I'm merely living on a thin string, waiting for it to break any single time. And when love has abandoned me, I will lie alone in the Darkness until I die, until the day I breathe my last breath.......alone. Loneliness shall be my one and only true friend in these times of peril.

Physically, this might be good news but despite me getting thinner by day, the amount of accumulated stress via career and emotion-wise are not really helping to really reduce my already fat and bulky body. It's like a hard coconut shell without any fillings in it.

And here comes the major issue which causes the current deadlock.

Overall mentality.

My brains are currently at its peak of unstable mentality period, where any direct failure from any aspect here will cause me to become cuckoo and go nuts. Somehow, I feel that everything I do are going towards the failed direction. Scr* w that stupid story where people keep telling you again, again and again, to keep your mind straight, positive and get something major done ! It's like negativity has taken over me all again......and with this kind of mentality, nothing will EVER go right. Not even a simple issue of buying something or going to the toilet. But.....

I can't help myself.

The feeling just stays there to torture and torment me.

OMG.

And if you could excuse me now, I'm off to bed very early now to stop myself from thinking too much.

The pain is here. Always.

m a r r i a g e

2010-06-06T13:38:00.008+08:00

"When are you getting married ?"

The golden question that every single parent in this world would ask their children within this age range, sparkled onto me this morning, from my mom. And I didn't answer her, as I've already knew that the answer will be a very disappointing one for her.

I'm pretty sure that this hit-topping question have been going around every single person with the "Single" status hanging above their head, in the same age range as me (or even an older age range, no offence taken). And believe me, most answers to this question will be not so pleasant for the parent to listen and accept. Not to mention if you're directing this question to another fellow friend.

In fact, sad to say, for the current being, marriage is no longer the "wonderful" fairy tale that everyone anticipated it to be. It's no longer "I love you, let's live happily ever after" or nonsense like "Nothing else matters as long as I love you".

To cut a long story short, the main reason my mom thought of the question was fairly easy; most of my cousins in the same age range as me have already married, and currently expecting their first baby. In other words, my aunty-uncles' will be "upgraded" to the status of grandmothers-grandfathers very soon, where as both my parents are still "stuck" with their current status as ermm.....mothers-fathers. As such, I don't really blame them when this impatient, longing feeling of "upgrading" to a much needed status, appears when you see your other counterparts beginning to have this sense of accomplishment. Yet, they still don't get it. They still don't get this current trend of marriage.

Long gone are the days where you can get married in your early teenage days of 18 years or so, and having your first-out-of-ten kid at the age of 22. In this current age, doing the similar act will end up having the whole bl**dy community assuming that you just caused that poor young girl pregnant and you're kind of forced to get married in order to cover up that mess you've caused. Not to mention other follow-up matters such as financial wise, and baby-sitting wise to add up your woes.

What I'm trying to stress here is that getting married at this era isn't as simple as it seems. Put the "love" part aside, we have other reality issues knocking on the front door, such as financial, commitment and responsibility. Ok, maybe the commitment part isn't that significant yet until the first baby pops out, but then.....it's the financial part which will make the first kill. Ever wondered how much does a wedding ceremony, together with the preparations along with it such as dinners, photoshoot & etc, cost you? And that is just the first part, the joy has just started. Once done, you will have to plan on getting a new house, a new car (to cater for the upcoming family size), a new shared bank account, new insurance policy, and the list goes on. And everything comes along with a pretty price tag, in which if you're not that kind of thrifty saver, you're definitely end up in deep sh*t.

I'm not trying to brainwash or discourage anyone from getting married here, but my emphasis is that getting married is not just a simple thing of two person who love each deeply, to share their love for the rest of their lives. There are just other matters which will raise the obstacles alongside that fancy marriage, it's just the amount of effort taken by both parties to overcome the obstacles and make the best out of their new life.

To my dear friends who still hold the valuable "Single" status :

I see you.

To my dear friends who are happily married :

I salute you.

To my dear friends who are expecting their first child :

I congratulate you.

And most importantly,

To all parents in this world who are still asking that same, d*mn question :

BE PATIENT !

End of story.

d e a d l o c k

2010-05-15T23:04:00.007+08:00

It's been almost a month since I returned to Malaysia from Bangladesh. The feeling of touching back homeground on 2nd April is still tingling up my head, as if it just happened yesterday. It sure feels good to be able to be back home again. However, back to my current life . . . . .

Career-wise, I reached a deadlock.

Not deadlock from the physical side, but literally. Yes, ever since I got back from No-Man's Land at Bangladesh, it feels very, very different. It's as if I'm not myself anymore. Especially back at work, when I finally found out the main reason on why was I sent back to Malaysia in the 1st place. And trust me, it isn't really pleasant to hear the reason; the only way I got to find out the reason is all thanks to my colleague's "great" eavesdropping skill, overhearing the conversation between my direct superior and her boss, supposedly the top guy in my department. Please don't ask me what's the reason, as this current dilemma, or should I say, deadlock, is beginning to shoot up my head even faster than high-blood pressure. And unknowingly blow up anytime on anyday.

Ever since I got back from Bangla, going to work seems to be one of the hardest thing for me to accept on a weekdays' basis term. In other words, the ugly feeling of not going to work at all, losing all means & interest to go to work, struck me every single day without fail. Ok, maybe minus Friday's, but for other days, it's like a daily "Monday blues" disease. It seems like I've lost the interest, the passion to get up from bed, prepare myself, tell myself "Ok, cheer up, it's time for some action", and then go directly to work with at least a slight pinch of encouragement and confidence. But I can't seem to do it at all !

What's more, ever since I got back from Bangla, as my previous tasks back there are taken over by my replacement (another of my colleague from the same department), my current job tasks back here involve taking over some st*p*d task of managing inventory, doing stock take, drafting contracts between vendors, and even developing the internal department's web portal ! It's like a combination of an ordinary operator, lawyer's assistant and web developer, all in one good package ! Looking from the bright side, yes, I can learn a lot of new stuffs' I've never heard before, but again....looking back to the long run, this will not be beneficial to my future prospects. Especially the routine ordinary operator jobs such as doing stock take and prepare for packing of materials to be sent out to our overseas partners. Do you think it'll be valuable to put this kind of nonsense to my resume? I doubt any potential employers out there who reads this kind of nonsense job task will simply spit on it and tell me to go apply for some d*mb operator job somewhere across a random factory. I'm not saying here that doing routine operator job tasks' is a lowly class job, in fact there's no job in this world which are useless or of no benefit, it's just . . . .it's just not the right kind of job class for me. Not for me. Definitely.

But again, yes, I really didn't understand why do my direct superior didn't have the guts to tell me straight to my face on most matters. And yes, this includes the main answer to the question : Why the heck am I sent back from Bangla in such a sudden notice ? No answers to that. No one told me bout that. Maybe they are simply scared, or that they worry the real answer will hurt me deep. Thankfully I have at least a colleague who is kind enough to tell me the ugly fact. At least I know what's going on.

I know by saying all these will ultimately lead to the final decision of quitting the current job, but no. No. Not this time. I've promised myself from the 1st day I started work at this company that I shall not falter, I shall not fail myself and will work hard to at least get some sort of accomplishment before leaving. And as of today, although there's not even a simple pinch of achievement or chance for me to reach for the stars, I shall go on. Persevere. Hope that my patience will not fail me during this time of peril.

Even without your love, L.

Even without encouragement from all my friends', regardless whether close or not.

Even without support and guidance from family members.

I shall rely on myself. Me alone.

And see how far can I go.

- To be continued . . .

s a m m i

2010-03-19T15:12:00.011+08:00

Everytime I look at this image, I can't hold myself but to shed some tears.

What's more, with the fading, serene voice of hers looming across the background right now, playing through my faithful MP3 player. Ohhh, what a mere coincidence !

Yes, I know that crying part might portray me as a weak, useless guy who only knows how to cry when it comes to a level when sh*t happens. But again, this is so unpredictable. Uncontrollable. Unresistant. It's just.....just.....the unleash of sorrow which was kept too long from within.

To cut a long story short, here's what happened :

1) Found out that Sammi Cheng, a popular Cantopop singer from Hong Kong whom I fancy very, very much, is coming to Malaysia for a concert in Genting.

2) Excited, ecstatic, high, for a moment.

3) Went (straight away, on the spot!) to buy a ticket at the ticketing counter, but failed due to tickets not on sale yet at counters.

4) Went to book online at Genting's website, succeeded.

5) Continue to book accommodation at Theme Park Hotel, succeeded.

6) Seek help from a friend to collect the concert ticket at Genting OneHub centre.

7) GOT THE TICKET FINALLY!!

8) Waited impatiently for the time to arrive.

9) Back at work, an offer to work for a huge-scale, overseas project came by.

10) My boss offered me the chance, and needed a confirmed reply in 24 hours.

11) Thought hard, hesitated, twisted, turned, contemplated.

12) Finally decided to let go of the concert, and proceed to accept the job offer to work overseas at Bangladesh.

13) Passed my concert ticket over to my sister, and also changed hotel booking to cater for my sister's checking-in.

14) Flew to Bangladesh.

15) Time passes by, day by day. The sorrow feeling looms deeply.

16) The date of her concert, 19th March 2010, finally arrives today.

17) The initial build-up of sorrow finally unleash itself, together with the gradual sorrow that built up day by day.

And trust me, the unleashing part doesn't look too good on my image. Especially at public.

But again, this is reality.

I am (still) not sure whether I did the right thing by accepting this job offer to work overseas, rather than letting it go, just for the sake to attend Sammi's concert. Despite the short 24 hours notice I got from my boss to decide whether to accept the job offer at that time, I've thought of it so hard that my brain almost blew off, just like that. And with my solitary attitude of not consulting anybody to decide on something which will change my upcoming career path, I finally decided to take up this job offer and sacrifice my concert together with it.

Since then, a question kept haunting me.

Is it worth it?

A simple question, yet an unanswered one.

It's approximately 17 days since I left home to travel to this place, 2580 km away from KL. Nothing, no one familiar here besides work colleagues and several local partners. The feeling of being abandoned and despised, looms above me everytime I start work here. It's as if I'm not appreciated. Not being looked up to. Maybe due to the fact that I'm the person who keeps doing my own job task and don't really interact or social much with the local partners here. Well, what do they expect from me? I'm not some Sales or Marketing guy who is assigned to build and foster up some business relationship with you guys who often speak your local, mother tongue of Bengali ! I'm a Project Management guy, oh please ! And worse still, my Department's Director (which is my direct superior's boss) is also here in Bangladesh, monitoring the whole flow of this project. And what I can say is he's not too happy with me, due to the fact that I'm not the kind of sweet talker or "shoe polisher" (which he fancy very much) person, but in fact, I'm the kind of ordinary guy who works as usual and complete the tasks given to him, not to mention the amount of effort put into work.

Which is why, in the 1st place, I wondered whether I did the right thing or not.

But again, I still remember what I heard somewhere....

Do not regret on your own decision, as it is your own choice.

My own choice, oh yes. I can't possibly blame anyone on this. What's done has been done. And if you could excuse me, I'm off with my dosage of endless Sammi's songs to heal my soul......and deep wound.

Life is too short to work like a cow.

3 - i m a g e s

2010-03-18T01:42:00.008+08:00

The self-explained subject of this post simply means...describing Bangladesh (my current location) in 3 simple images.

I am assigned by the company to work in Bangladesh for a project...

...where I get to meet the Prime Minister on my 3rd day of stay...

...and finding this place for some non-spicy, Chinese food in such an unfamiliar location.

More updates to come...if only I could reach for the unknown, long-awaited break off work.

h a r d w o r k

2010-03-11T00:52:00.019+08:00

Side Note : It's been a while since I last posted something here in my blog. I'm not sure whether is it just me, or is it that I'm simply too busy or even too lazy to blog. But whenever that particular, sudden gust of initiative to blog comes rushing into my head, it's unavoidable. And now that I'm alone in such a foreign country (I'm currently in Bangladesh for work purpose), inside my single hotel room, together with a working LAN cable, my work laptop, a power socket, and most importantly, a deep thought filled with ideas to blurt out in this instant moment, here I go. I'm . . . . . . back.

The current time here in Dhaka, Bangladesh - 11:13 PM.

Due to the time difference of 2 hours as compared to Malaysia, I guess the Malaysian time is 1:13AM, in which I believe most people would already be asleep by now. Come to think of it, I think it's been almost a week since I arrive here from KL.

And....

As I'm sitting here alone, in front of my laptop, my head begins to flash back in time. Not too long ago, perhaps. Maybe just back to last Saturday, right before one of my colleague return to Malaysia after completing his job task of promoting our company at an IT exhibition here. For your information, he is a Marketing guy with a vast experience in both Sales and Marketing line. So I suppose he's the kind of person who met many, many different kind of people along the way. He whispered this to me before leaving to the airport on his last day of stay : "Friend, in this cruel corporate world we are currently living in, there are only 2 things that we strive for in life. First, money. Second, opportunity. And although I just know you for like 2 weeks (as I just got to know this colleague 2 weeks before coming here), I see that you're an honest man. Too honest and naive in fact. My advice to you : Be cunning, be evil . . . and seize opportunity to climb up the corporate ladder, even if you need to step on other people's head to get up the ladder and make the whole world hate you. Else, you'll always be left behind with this current attitude of yours. Take care."

The moment he finish saying this and left me behind with a confused look, I felt something. Something deep inside of what he just told me a moment ago. It just kinda struck me at that second. Yes, that might sound a bit straight forward and a little bit on sarcasm, but it's true. So true.

This brings me back to what I think of the current corporate world, and the urge to compare it to the olden days. As far as I know, during the olden days, let's just say during my dad's period. Around 1960 - 70's, I would say. My dad told me that people of that age is totally different from what we see now. No office politics, backstabbing, dishonesty, frauds, money laundering, scamming, traitor colleagues, whatsoever. Ok maybe they do have some, but not to the current extend we're in now. Hardworking and truthful employees who really work hard (mind the bold word) and contribute to the company they're working for, will be handsomely rewarded with bonuses and perks, sometimes even promotion. And lazy bums & cunning foxes with mouths as sweet as sugar are flushed down the drain, just like that. No mercy. Only true hardwork is tolerated. As such, if you notice, there aren't many people who rotate jobs during old times. Why? Because they hold on to one and only one principle : TRUST. And I believe 99.9% that this principle have already faded along with the sand of time.

Now back to our current era.

What do we have now? Like what I mentioned previously, the current corporate market is totally different. To cut a long story short, let's just say that the negative values I've mentioned above applies totally to our current working environment. Join the negative values with the advice given by my colleague in the first part above, and you see the big picture. In short, Money > Trust.

After thinking from this perspective, I finally understand. Understand why did my colleague advised me in the first place. Well, it's for a good intention, I don't blame him despite the blatant statement that I was too freaking "honest" and "naive". What he's trying to mean is I have to change my current attitude. I'm not trying to boast or brag myself to the limits, but I have to admit that I inherit this tiny little part of good value from my dad. Fyi, my dad is a great man. I have to give it to him, really. He worked for almost 30 something years up to today, under an average regular Joe's position in his company, yet he still have the ability to raise a family and maintain some saving for older days. And in case you're wondering . . . . all along, he just changed jobs for 3 times. 3 FREAKING TIMES.

And how many times have I changed jobs so far ?

It's time to hide my face under the mud.

Back to the topic.

In the end, let's just say that I will, and continue to be myself for the rest of my life. There is never a need to change that tiny, little good value I still have inside me. The values known as "honesty", "naiveness" and "simplicity". Despite being negative and living in the Dark for the past 26 years of my life (and still fancy the Darkness), I feel that the values should live on. Maybe not from the personal side of life. More to the career part. Despite knowing the fact that by simply being nice and hardworking at work doesn't guarantee a promotion or pay raise, as compared to some freaking lazy bum with "magical" lips which can sweet talk any ordinary human off their seats, well, I guess it's better to stay at a low position, work like crazy, get your monthly salary as usual, and most importantly, you know that you have the right conscience to live and work on. It's no use if I really adhere to what my colleague advised me and become one ugly id**t who betrays his counterparts in order to climb up the corporate ladder in an incredible speed of light, maybe up to the management level. And if I really succeed in doing so, what's the point? The conscience is not there . . . . and remember the poor folks you just step on their heads to get where you are now? They will haunt you for the rest of your life . . . . and not even the most expensive medicine in the world can heal this emotional wound. I rather not live my life this way.

Having said that, I feel that I know where my career direction should head to now. I'm sure many people will criticize this vision of mine as not visionary, not ambitious, etc etc..... but I feel I'm gonna do it despite the critics. It's gonna be :

Work like crazy under a regular position --> Start saving little by little --> Retire when it's time --> Open a guesthouse at Terengganu

Yes, you didn't read that wrongly. That's exactly what I'm gonna do. Open a guesthouse at one of the islands in Terengganu, after I retire. Enjoy Terengganu's sea breeze like what I experienced before, 3 years back. The soothing sound of crashing waves. The soft sand that fills my dry feets.

Ohhh Terengganu, boy I miss you.

Snapping back to reality, it's now 12.09AM, Bangladeshi time. Guess it's time to sleep. Will be here until end of the month, so I guess there's still room for me to blog as long as the "gust" kicks in again.

Till then....

I felt so much better after posting this.

c n y

2010-02-12T22:41:00.005+08:00

Random Chinese New Year decoration at Mid Valley Megamall, KL.

DISCLAIMER : This post might sound offending to certain parties. As such, my deepest apologies if I either directly or unintentionally said something inappropriate. So sorry, it's merely words from the heart.

The time of the year comes again.

Yet another over-rated Chinese event. And coincidentally, Valentine's Day falls on the exact same day as the 1st day of the Chinese lunar calendar.

This year....

I'll not be celebrating both Chinese New Year and Valentine's Day on a high scale. The former will be merely passed on with no temple visiting whatsoever (as always), while the latter have to be substituted by the company of my good ol' friend, Loneliness due to the absence of L. Well, at least she's still my friend now.

Miss P, I'm not as tough and optimistic in life like what you always do for conservation, as you.

Miss G, I don't have strong self-confidence and positivity to get on with life, as you.

Miss E, I don't have many friends, strong faith and bonding with Him, as you.

I just want to be alone.

All alone.

No one to bother and disturb my deep thoughts.

And let the sorrow swallow me whole.

From there, I will be whole again.

r e s o l u t i o n

2010-01-23T19:38:00.005+08:00

Resolution.

I guess this word is no stranger to everyone. And I'm pretty sure most people have already done their resolutions, even before the year 2009 ends.

For me, it only starts now.

Better late than never, no ?

Going off-topic a little, it's been a while since I last posted something here in this tiny, dark corner of my life. The fact is.....reality have been binding me with several kinds of suffering. Ohh yes, you read that right. Suffering. I guess not many people will understand the pain I've been through. For the past 2 months since end of last year, I've been through a series of torture and suffering in the form of physical, emotional, career-wise and financial. Which kind of explain the late update on my blog. Another issue is....I guess I'm beginning to become lazy updating this part of my online presence. Actually I do have many things up in my head which I wanted to just blurt it all out on this personal space, but . . . . it just stops there. Right there.

And now...a simple resolution summary of what's been through for me along 2009 and this current 2010.

Career ?

- Not too good. Worked all the way up to my birthday month before tendering my resignation, and landed myself with another job with a totally fresh job scope. Fantastic aspect in terms of learning, but as of today, I felt myself being more like a mere puppet than a determined new employee.

Relationship ?

- Another failure. Relationship between me & my long distance girlfriend, L, started to develop cracks here and there since the year started off. Distance began to form between both of us, and ultimately, she initiated a break-up on December. Sad thing it is, especially for a relationship which lasted almost 3 1/2 years, but sometimes reality just hit you straight at your face before you even realize it and pray to God for mercy. And right now, I'm officially a single guy with a strong determination to concentrate on my career and financial path. Enough with relationships, I'm not going to look for love . . . . ever. I will have to understand that we are living in a cruel world filled with deceit, vengeance and insincerity. Ohhh "myself", I'll be with you forever. I will always have "you" as my best companion. For L, I still keep in touch with her as a friend, because I always believe that although we are not fated to be lovers, we can still be friends. And although I still have feelings for her, I guess this will have to be kept to myself, as I really do hope that she'll finally find her dream guy in the end.

All the best, L. I still love you.

Financial ?

- 3rd failure in a row. Condition worsen with successful applications for 2 new credit cards, which means additional channels for me to spend. Despite having a slight salary increase after the job change, it didn't really assist much in securing a better stability for this aspect. Guess it's time for me to do a really detailed overview on my financial status or else I'll be left with no money when I retire.

In short, it's all failure, failure, & failure. Which is why I really dread to do resolution once the time comes. Still, it is some sort of measurement to tell myself of what I've achieved along the way. Seeing from this, I'm not going anywhere.

Screw this, I'll be living this life till my last breath. And I will not bother to stress my head too much on planning this, and that . . . . because life is short.

I'll be back.

p h o n e

2009-12-30T15:27:00.007+08:00

Ohh gosh.

After barely 2 weeks when this terrible incident happened to me, now another misfortune hits me before I can even recover completely from the pain I've been through.

Yes.

I lost my phone.

Actually I don't really lose too much if I merely lose an ordinary phone. But this....this phone of mine have served me for almost 2 and a half years. And it have been through all the joy and pain in my life, especially when the joy was at its peak....when everything seems to be so perfect with L by my side. The joy when I graduated from university. The joy when we still kept in touch, deeply in love despite the distance that separated us. The lovely communication I kept with my friends. The friend who will always be by my side to keep me connected to the world.

And now....

In a brink of eye.....it's gone.

All gone.

And what's left is the memory of me, holding my dear, red Sony Ericsson Z530i in my hands.

It's such a pain to see you go, but from another angle, I guess it's time for me to bid farewell to a friend who have accompanied me through the thick and thin of life....for the past 2 and a half years.

Rest in peace, my friend. You will never be forgotten......same goes to you, my dear CJ 905. I will always remember both 25th and 30th December, the days when both of you, my faithful friends, left me for Sanctuary.

For now....

I guess I'll need to re-organize my phone contact's backup from my PC. For those who know me & are reading this right now, please do sms / email me your phone number ASAP. Fyi I'll still be using my old Maxis number, as I just got the replacement SIM from Maxis.

Thank you, guys.

And not forgetting you, Mr Z530i.

s u d d e n

2009-12-13T22:45:00.005+08:00

It all happened so........so sudden.

1 long month since I last posted something here. Pardon me for the lack of updates due to a really sudden incident which happened end of last month.....23rd November to be exact. An incident which changed the remainder course of my life....and I'm really serious with what I've promised myself. I......I should have seen it coming earlier, it's just ignorance clouded my thoughts, insecurity failed my vision. I'm doomed.

And the only way I've thought to make myself forget about this terrible incident is to make myself busy. Busy with work. Working for 10+ hours per day. Trying hard to overcome myself with fatigue after work & loading up with work stress.

But still....

....

It all comes back to me in the end.

Ohhh my inner soul, please help me.

Sorrow never tend to cease at its peak.

w o r k

2009-11-06T22:42:00.001+08:00

It's Friday.

Officially a full week since I started my new job this Monday.

What's the status, you ask ? Well, simple answer it is.

We'll see, we'll see. Moreover, it's just too early to judge the book by its cover. As time goes by, I will slowly unmask the overall big picture of this organisation I'm working for.

Patience is the key.

d a w n

2009-11-01T22:28:00.005+08:00

Tomorrow. 2nd November 2009.

Come tomorrow, it shall be a new dawn for me, career wise. And I'll definitely need all the luck, courage, encouragement , love, & what-so-ever important stuffs needed for me to get through everything...& not just the 1st day tomorrow.

Ohhh I need strength.

b a d

2009-10-27T11:31:00.006+08:00

1 week.

It's coming to 1 week sharp since I last left my ex-company. Was tied up with settling off matters related to my new job for the past few days, & also a 2 days' visit to Ipoh to visit my dear L.

And...

Today's my birthday too.

Yet....

I feel so bad. Really bad.

Yes, you might tell me that I just returned from Ipoh, meeting up with L must be good, everything's nice & lovely, you get to bring your girlfriend around for a walk in 2 days. Well, that's exactly what I've thought when I was driving on my way to Ipoh to see her.

But when I finally see her...

She acts like a totally different person as before.

How different, you ask ? The way she treats me last week when I saw her....is the exact way when this happened previously. So......cold. Heartless. Soulless. No thoughts of grabbing or holding my hands. No more sweet talks. It's as if I'm going on a simple outing with a mere friend rather than dating with my girlfriend. Sounds pathetic, yes, but it's simply too much for me to take. Seriously, I would prefer her to just tell me straight to the face what the heck is happening, rather than staring at me with that blank, cold look of hers, & not saying anything. And when I have the guts to go ask her what's wrong, she simply answers "Nothing....nothing".

If you're good & there's nothing going wrong, then what's with that sudden attitude change ?

Even weather has its forecast for the day. Yes, I do understand that mood swings at times, but at least, please, please let me know what's going on rather then leaving me in the blank world, staring at a soulless body who looks as if she's accompanying me around, rather than I accompanying her around. L, you know me, I'm not a very deep person, not a deep thinker either. I'm a straight forward person, straight to the point, no twists & turns. Seriously, I don't really like the way most typical Chinese people act; they just love to make one bl**dy big U-turn to tell you something which will obviously hurt your feelings badly. Why don't they just tell it straight to the face of that person, rather than emotionally torturing the person with endless guesses & cold looks ?

And that's not all.

Regardless of her non-understandable actions when I see her physically, during our usual way of communication via sms, she still "speaks" the exact same way as before. Yes, sweet words & talks, words which will make us smile for a brief moment, lovely feeling when receiving an sms. And now the main question comes into the picture : What is she thinking actually? In the worst case scenario, history such as this will repeat itself to torment my birthday with even more endless thoughts & guesses.

Arghh.

I'm not thinking bout this anymore for today. Today's my birthday, and I wanna leave it in peace & joy, although temporal, but it only comes once a year. Ohhh, and she was the 1st person to wish me Happy Birthday for today.

Happy Birthday, oh Silent One.

L, please share with me what happened from the bottom of your heart. I'm waiting.

d e m o r a l i z e d

2009-10-05T20:13:00.005+08:00

In case you're wondering, yes. This post is the continuation of this, in which I mentioned that I was severely demotivated.

Worse still....

It has come to a "critical" stage when I feel totally demoralized.

Seriously, I feel like a zombie lying around the office, rotting & rotting, waiting helplessly for his last day of service to arrive & save his soul. It's such a torture, having time to crawl slowly by, looking around an almost empty office. Yes, even at times, I can be seen prying around the office windows, wondering when can I finally achieve the dream career I've longed & everlasting freedom I've desired.

Since the day I've submitted my resignation letter for my current job, several of my other colleagues' followed my footsteps. Ermm ok, resigning from your current job somehow doesn't fancy a trend or something, but it do feels kind of weird having a bunch of people tendering their resignation on the same timing as yours. What's more, most of them have such a shorter notice period than me !! (due to the fact that they're not confirmed staff yet, they are merely entitled to a 2 weeks' notice instead of a lengthy, ridiculously 3 months' notice !)

To me, having people to leave the company isn't any big deal. It merely proves that either that specific staff or the management has some serious issues. But having a bunch of people who leave the company in such a short period of time before my own last day of service arrives......ARGHHHH !!!!

Ohhh yes, it's THAT bad.

It feels like having a bunch of id**t skinny guys munching juicy, delicious-looking burgers while looking, pointing & laughing at me, who coincidentally was on diet during that very time. Sometimes you just feel like going straight to these id**ts, grab a nice looking baseball bat, & wh**p their heads up the sky (sorry for the violence).

Nevertheless, what has happened will happen eventually, so there's no stopping that. Today, I witness one of my closest colleagues in work, leaving the office after serving his last day of service. Even as he is leaving, I can feel the joyful & spiritually happy mood that he possess when he step his foot out of the office. It's as if he was in heaven or something. Well, in heaven doesn't mean that he's dead, it simply shows that he is just too happy; not even words could explain how he felt today.

And come tomorrow, another one will leave the office......in that exact similar mood, I suppose.

Now I wonder when will my turn FINALLY arrive.

Ohhh time, please do not be so cruel.

l u c k

2009-09-24T21:21:00.002+08:00

An accident which nearly cost my life....

A lost immobilizer card for my car which is definitely not cheap....

A severely damaged motorbike due to the accident....

A lost watch which was noticed out of the blue...

A faulty PC which didn't startup well due to a faulty hard disk...

Now tell me, why is luck not on my side ?

What is happening to me ?

h e l m e t

2009-09-20T14:49:00.007+08:00

My helmet's visor broke off.....poor chap.

This post is specially dedicated to my motorbike's helmet. Yes, it's an ordinary motorbike's helmet, nothing fancy; no more, no less. Today, on this rainy day,

It saved my life.

Oh yes, u read that right. If it was not for him, most probably my head will break, bleed like no one’s business & I won’t even have the chance to blog about this incident now. Or wait, I should rephase this as THE ACCIDENT.

Do take a look at my motorbike’s current condition.

My dear motorbike……severely damaged due to the accident.

Another view of my motorbike….yes it’s THAT bad.

Yes, I got involved in an accident. With my motorbike. On a rainy day. And it just happened early afternoon today. Thank God I’m still in 1 piece, no severe damage to myself except for a strained pelvic backbone & some cuts here & there. The main reason I’m blogging about this right now instead of going to the clinic or hospital for a checkup, so that I can still explain in detail what happened back there throughout the whole accident.

Here goes….

I just finished having lunch with my work colleagues at SS2, & was heading back home on my motorbike. After passing through the Section 14 interjunction, it began raining heavily. Although I have a raincoat with me inside my motorbike’s seat, I was too lazy to use it as it’s close to home already. As it was raining heavily & I’m with no raincoat, I began to lower my speed & started “rolling” slowly. When I pass by a junction, a STUPID ID**T MOTHER F**KER MPV ( please pardon my language, this is just unavoidable ! ) rushed out of the junction as if it’s his father’s road & overtook my lane without any signal lights & going on high speed. When I began to notice the danger ahead, I quickly hit all my brakes with all the b*lls I have or else I’ll become some wet sandwich between motorbike & some id**t MPV.

*screeeehhhhhhhhhhhhh* BLAM !!!

Oh my God. The next thing I know, I got a brief blackout, looking up the skies, & lying down on the road. As I was slowly recovering my sight & my steps, I saw the MPV speeding off quickly & dissappeared from my sight. And I was left lying there, with all the dizziness & headache, & my backbone hurts so bad. Luckily during that time, there was this off-duty policeman who just happen to ride his motorbike & witnessed the accident. This good hearted man helped me up, lifted my severely damaged motorbike to the side of the street, & temporarily directed the current traffic. As I was slowly recovering my senses to realise what really happened in that brink of second, the guy came over & asked me “Dik, you ok tak?” (in Bahasa Malaysia, it means “Brother, are you ok?”) As I was already standing & doing fine, I told him I’m ok & manage to get home by myself as I live nearby. After that, the guy left with his motorbike & traffic resumes as usual.

Now here comes the best part.

How the heck am I suppose to get back home with all these damage?

Good question. And with my severely damaged motorbike, it still manage to operate as usual ! Well, despite the broken covers & damaged circuits. And with that, I rode my damaged motorbike back home, while drawing much attention from the crowd everywhere. After that, yes, I manage to get home safely. Then, continue with my daily tasks for the day up to now. And now….posting this up on my blog before I lose my senses.

Ok, I’m done posting. Now, off to the hospital for a brief checkup for any internal bleeding, as my head still experiencing that disturbing dizziness since that accident.

Wish me good luck, friends.

Latest update (as at 11:46pm, 20-09-09) :
Just got back from the hospital, did a body checkup & brain scan for any internal bleeding, so far no major damage anywhere. Will need to return to hospital for follow-up next Wednesday. Gosh !

d e m o t i v a t i o n

2009-09-09T10:38:00.004+08:00

I'm so demotivated.

Is it because of the reconciliation with L ? No, that will definitely not demotivate me, instead it motivates me to perform my daily tasks more efficiently, be it for work, leisure or anything else.

So, what is bothering me?

.

..

....

This exact question have been pondering up my head for several weeks already. Or maybe it was there all the while but I just didn't notice it due to my full concentration & focus towards my relationship status with L, which took a full turn during the past 2 months.

I was guessing it has to be something to do with my current job. My current job? For your information, yes, I did it. I submitted my resignation letter at the end of July, & currently serving my 3 months resignation notice period. The reason? Mainly because of this, & also because I have finally understand that getting stuck in an unproductive working environment & crappy job scope will not get me anywhere. Yes, you are so right, Grace. And if you have noticed, 3 months resignation notice period is ridiculously LONG. And serving such a long notice period in a place & job you don't fancy is such a torture.

Yes.

I think this IS the main reason I'm so demotivated & restless.

As I'm still pending reply from my current company's Human Resource Department for my official last working day, here I am, clearing off the remaining work days as I slowly tick off the calendar on my work desk, wondering how my new job will be, what will I expect from there, how will I interact with my new colleagues over there.

Time passes by slowly when you are monitoring it, & speeds off unexpectedly when you least notice it.

Wish me luck, friends.

w a r m t h

2009-08-22T22:29:00.004+08:00

File picture of the past, showing a kite flying across Teluk Ketapang beach, Terengganu. Kite flown by both me & L.

Date : 22/08/09 (Saturday)

Time : 12pm - 6pm

Location : Ipoh, Perak

Occurrence : Warmth, random, unification

Short description :
- Initially plan was to merely visit my ex-girlfriend, L, & see how is she doing over there. But after I met up with her, took a ride to a nearby shopping mall, she.....

.

..

...

Grabbed my hand.

And never let go.

As I was slowly recovering from a sudden state of shock due to her action, at that exact same moment....

I felt....

Warmth.

Thank you for the love, L.

Is this a good sign....or ?

f a i l u r e

2009-08-02T20:49:00.002+08:00

Failure.

I failed.

I failed to totally forget about L, my ex-girlfriend. Her face....her voice....her attitude still lingers around my head, playing around with my conscious mind. It's as if she never left me. It's as if she's still my lovely girlfriend. It's the same exact feeling I've felt 3 years ago when we started off our relationship.

Yes, I do understand I have several good friends who constantly gave me lots & lots of support, encouragement & words of wisdom for me to live on. To move on with life. To move on with the challenges up ahead. To strive forward & not looking back at the disaster & sorrow.

However....

It isn't an easy task after all.

Despite me keeping myself busy with tons of activities organised by both my work colleagues & old friends, I still have the "weight" hovering up my head & heart. It's this strong, love feeling I still feel towards L.....in which until today, I still hope so dearly that she felt the same way too. I know in the 1st place, she didn't want to initiate this break up at all....it's just.....she just ran out of patience. Patience to wait for the day when we can finally reveal our relationship openly to every single person we've known, especially her parents. I know.....L, I know you didn't want to lie to your parents anymore regarding our relationship. I know too that your mother is the closest person in your heart, & I'm simply nobody as compared to her. But I just want you to know....

I miss you.

I still think of you every single day.

I still hold on tight to my phone every day at night, thinking so hard whether to sms you or not.

I still cry whenever I see our pictures taken together in the past, in my PC.

I still use the wallet you gave me 2 years ago during my birthday, despite the already worn off condition.

And....

.

..

....

I still love you.

Seriously speaking, I didn't want to be so emotional in my blog, but this is just what I truly feel now. This feeling is unavoidable; whenever I think of you, I begin to cry. And up to now, I'm still thinking of suitable & appropiate words to use whenever I start typing my sms to you. I'm worried that I might use the wrong words to speak to someone I really, really love so dearly but cannot be together at the moment. L, I really want to come up to Ipoh again & see you again, check up your current condition, but with our current status as ordinary friends, I'm worried I can't take the pain & most probably I'll end up like that day when you initiated this break-up; I have to hold on to my tears & speak to you as if nothing happens. Such feeling is total suffering & my already fragile heart can't take anymore emotional damage or else it will affect other aspects of my life.

Until then....

I guess I just have to bear with this severe pain in silence.

I see you, my friends. Thanks for the constant encouragement.

b e g i n n i n g

2009-07-25T21:39:00.002+08:00

It's been several days since I got back from my trip back to Terengganu, and here I am, back home in PJ with the reality "bell" ringing hard on my head.

And..

.

..

....

A new beginning is here.

Despite my current health condition getting worse with the bad weather & haze going around the city, I've found myself a new job. I've just accepted a job offer from an established IT firm in Technology Park, and this upcoming job I'll be taking will be challenging, as it's a totally new kind of job as compared to my previous ones. And....I've already submitted my resignation letter to my current company yesterday. My boss got kind of a shock after receiving my letter, & he went on to even counter-offer me if I'm still interested in my current job.

Well, Mr Boss, if you were to keep me staying here, it's not just about money & salary increment. It's about the job specifications that you've assigned to me. Since day one, I have already told you that I don't like what I'm doing & I need (really need!) a job role change. Instead of listening & giving feedback on this matter, you kept delaying & avoiding this issue up to yesterday, after I submitted my resignation letter, only to tell me you want to counter-offer me with the same bl**dy job role & a tiny, weenie salary increment?

Think again.

What's for sure, this new & upcoming job of mine will definitely pose a new challenge towards my career path. It's definitely something new to learn & catch up, unlike my current "repetitive & unproductive" job.

Regarding matters from the heart, it seems like my heart is beginning to accept reality & the fact that L is no longer with me. The sorrow & pain from the heart began to decrease as day passes by. Maybe it's because of this upcoming new job issue which is indirectly "healing" this wound. Or is it because....I have already lost hope on our relationship?

No.....never. I will never, ever let go of our relationship, even if it's you who initiated it in the first place. I will never blame you for breaking my heart.

I just want you to know that....despite the silence of me not messaging or keeping in touch with you anymore (I just don't want to remind myself of our current situation).......

I still love you, L. And I'm still waiting for you.

The heart continues to heal...yet the wait for love will be everlasting.

r e m i n i s c e n c e - p a r t 2

2009-07-14T11:29:00.002+08:00

(This is another delayed post. Originally posted on 08:49PM, 13/07/09 Monday)

I have already reached the island of Kapas by the time I'm writing this post. It's already coming to the end of my 2nd day staying here, & will be back at the mainland tomorrow noon.

Initially I've thought that time flies so much faster when I'm back in PJ, but the exact same thing happens here in Kapas Island as well. Time flies the same speed here, & before I realise it, it's already day 2 of my island trip. Well, it's a good thing too since as far as I'm here, everything here kind of suck. Yes, you read that right. SUCK. The chalet room here sucks bad, there's no hot shower in here, room service are inefficient, food sucks real bad, & overall layout is kind of worn out. The only thing that deserves compliment are the polite & friendly staff, & most importantly....the beach.

Ahh, who can forget the beach & the sea?

Seaside, I really don't know how to thank you well enough for accompanying me this whole afternoon. "You" heard all my whines about work, life, lost love, confusion & also felt my tears as well. "You" never cease to be bored of what I'm telling "you"...instead you comforted me with your gentle waves & fine sands. When "you" listened about me saying that I have reached crossroads at my career & currently wasting my youth & time at a place where I don't learn & advance, "you" beamed with anger by showing me your rough waves. When "you" listened & see me crying for a love lost after deep affection for 3 long years, "you" comforted me with gentle waves & soft winds. It's as if "you" are really listening to what I'm saying. "You" are so much different from my other friends, or should I say, most of my friends. Most of them would just say the same old thing again, again & again. Time will heal, time will heal, let time cure your pain. Words are so easily said than done. Some of them just come to me, gave me a pat at the back, & tell the same old stuffs again. Yes, I do understand their intentions to make me feel better, but what I really, really need is someone who truly listens what I wanna say, leave me to cry my heart out, doesn't object or disagree what I'm saying although it might interfere with their thought (I'm not being possessive or dictative; these are simply matters from the heart & there are no right or wrong), & most importantly, understand what I truly want in the future. This might sound impossible to fulfill but yes, I have finally found "you". Come to think of it, travelling 500km from KL to here, looking for "you" isn't such a wasted effort after all. Ignore those people who keep telling me "what the heck am I going to an island alone?" or thinks that I'm some psychotic id*ot who is anti-social & doesn't mix with other people on trips.

For my career path, I have decided not to continue doing what I'm currently doing, stop wasting my time & youth at this place & move on to another better opportunity. Ironically, when I was talking to "you" about my career today, the company which I went for interview last week, called me up & offered me the position I've applied with a salary increment of about 30%. The coincidence is unexplainable, but indeed lovely & timely. After much consideration, I've agreed to the offer & called them back to confirm my start date.

From relationship wise & matters from the heart.....

.

..

...

It's not healed at all.

Tears continue to roll, sorrow continues to be felt, life have to "forcibly" move on for the sake of the upcoming new career path.

I still miss you, L.

r e m i n i s c e n c e - p a r t 1

2009-07-12T18:16:00.003+08:00

(This is a delayed post, originally posted on 10:42AM, 12/07/09 Sunday)

As I'm writing this post, I have just reach Marang, Terengganu. The place to get a boat over to Pulau Kapas, which is the island I'll be hanging out for the next 3 days to find peace & tranquility for my torn, exhausted & broken heart.

While I was driving along the way here to Terengganu, I began to feel something familiar. Something I've never, ever, felt back in PJ. It's this....this feeling of returning home to a place I once loved & fancy, especially the exceptional peace, silence & slow paced life of the people here. Although I have to admit that following an uncle who drives 50 km/h for almost 10km is kind of frustrating, but deep within, I can feel that people here are not rushing. Not rushing like what PJ/KL residents feel daily, regardless of whether it's a working weekday or a "supposed-to-be-relaxing" weekend. Not even bothered to think of other materialistic, ugly matters which may rear its head due to the hectic & fast-paced modern lifestyle. It's all just....just so slow, simple & beautiful here. Although the overall outlook & technology advancement is far behind what I've seen back in PJ (you can still see wooden buildings, cows & goats everywhere here!), but what I love most about this place is its surroundings & the fantastic feel whenever I step onto this land of the east coast.

And not forgetting....

This is also the place where IT all started.

The place where me & L began our beautiful, yet "restrictive" relationship.

Reminding myself about this situation makes me wanna cry again. Tears will never fail to roll out of my cheeks whenever I think about this....this tragedy that bestruck me without any notice. Nevertheless, I have to remember, I'm now sitting in a random coffeeshop in Marang, surrounding by strangers, & I will not further humiliate myself by crying in front of public ! Be strong, LYJ, I know you can totally forget about her & do like what dai kah cher told you, move on.

But...

Is it possible to move on?

Is it possible to let myself totally forget someone whom I loved so, so deeply since we started off our relationship 3 years ago? What's more, trying to forget someone you love in the place where we started building this wonderful relationship? The place where most fond & beautiful memories linger. The place where we both finish up our final year projects together. The place where we graduated with our Bachelors' Degree together. The place when I first hold her hands tight. The place I get to hold her close in my arms without much worries of bumping onto her restrictive parents.

And now it's all over in a flash before I even start wondering what or where did I went wrong.

Or is it that something we both missed out?

Arghhh, now is not the time to think about this. I should be concentrating to enjoy this "ultimate" vacation of mine which I've planned since the beginning of this year. I should be taking my own sweet time to enjoy this annual vacation back to Terengganu & not reminding myself of this tragical moment. Not to erase all my sweet & wonderful memories between me & her. What's more, this is suppose to be a HAPPY vacation, not a SORROWFUL one. My dear juniors are graduating from university & I should be happy for them. Gosh, what am I thinking?

My friends, I am really, really unsure whether I can forget about her & move on. Words can be easily expressed out, but it's the action which is difficult to initiate. Many friends told me that time will heal the wound, time will heal the wound....but it's simply too deep for time to heal it. No doubt, time flies, time heals, but will it manage to heal mine?

I doubt so.

Enough for now. Will be uploading this once I get a place to online. Till then, I'll just let emotions overcome me.

Off to the jetty now.

Latest update (06:39PM, 12/07/09) - I've finally found a place to go online....& it's in the island itself! Wireless connection available at the lobby.....ok. What an unexpected place to go online....

The sorrow & despair continues....

d r e a m

2009-07-11T07:10:00.003+08:00

As I'm writing this post, I just woke up from a dream.

A beautiful, lovely dream of me & L back together, holding each other's hand tightly. Feeling her warmth all around me. Hugging her as if she is a giant, life-size plush toy. And a single sentence from her lips which feels like the ultimate "cure" for all the grief, sorrow & despair I've been through for the past 1 week.

She said....

"I still love you."

However...

It's still all a dream, & once my eyes feel light from the windows, I know it's back to cruel & torturing reality.

Now I'm awake, writing this post in front of my PC before leaving back to Terengganu in a while more; returning to the place of my ex-university, the place I miss the most, & most significantly, the place where we started off our wonderful, yet controversial relationship. Will be driving all the way there this time. No more buses & hassle flights. All alone. All by myself. Yes, as always, I'll be going for this trip all alone. And I love the feeling.

Initially this was supposed to be a happy & joyful trip back to Terengganu to attend my university junior's convocation on the 15th & 16th, but somehow after this unexpected "incident", it all changed to become a healing, self-realization, "getting away with all the sorrow & despair I've been through after a short week of torturing reality's" trip. I do wonder, will this "so-called-ultimate-trip" of mine, in which I've planned since a few months back, fail due to my current unstable mood? Will I ever, ever succeed in forgetting about her & move on with life, while visiting all the places we've been together during our past university days? Will I able to hold my tears from not rolling down when I pass by her ex-rented house which is conveniently situated 2 houses away from my ex-rented house?

I don't know. I really, really don't know.

What's for sure, I'll be leaving in a while, & will return with an update once I find a place with a wireless connection.

Yes, I see all of you, my dear faithful friends. Thanks for the constant encouragement & support towards my current situation. I love all of you.....

o v e r

2009-07-04T22:37:00.001+08:00

Over.

It's over.

After 3 years & 3 months, it's over today.

I'm......I'm speechless. I should have seen this coming.

This is simply too much for me to take...I'll let regret, tears & alcohol to consume me.
Until then...

This sorrow & despair will haunt me forever. And it will never, ever, heal.

a l o n e

2009-06-25T21:38:00.002+08:00

I was born to this world....alone.

I started off my life....alone.

I walked into kindergarden....alone.

I played with my toys....alone.

I entered adolescence....alone.

I went into Form 6....alone.

I stepped into university....alone.

I struggle through cruel worklife....alone.

I cried my way off an unsolvable relationship....alone.

I live the rest of my life....alone.

And...

I will leave this cruel & sad world....alone.

Ohhh......."me". "We" have been together since the day I was born....thanks for being there all these while.

No one will understand my sorrow & loneliness.

d i s t a n c e

2009-06-20T18:42:00.003+08:00

As I'm writing this post, I'm currently in a hotel room in Ipoh. As usual, I'm here to see my girlfriend, L.

However...

Today is much more different than before. And it really, really HURT me very deeply.

As I came to Ipoh today with the intention to stay overnight for a night until tomorrow (Sunday) just to see her for another day, it seems my effort had gone on waste due to the fact that she can't come out tomorrow due to "too much work & need to stay back home to complete". Well,nothing much I can say about her work as I do understand the dateline to complete her work will be end of next week. This is not what hurts me the most anyway.

What hurts the most today? I think I'll just cut the long story short with a simple summary.

No more sweet words from her mouth...

No more holding my hands tight...

No more hugging as before...

No more words from the heart...

Yes, it is THAT bad.

I can feel a distance appearing in between both of us. It never, ever, happen before to us, but
today, I can feel it. Feel the distance drifting both of us apart. After being together for 3 years & ongoing, we're now drifting apart with a distance? The distance just came out of the blue without me noticing it. Did I do or say anything wrong that might have offended her? Did her mum came to her & explain her SICK theory to brainwash her & seperate both of us? Did she found a better guy than myself? Worse come to worse...my greatest fear...

Did she gave up on me?

L, please, please don't be so cruel. Yes, I still remember the day you've "tried" to initiate a break-up on our relationship early last year, but it failed in the end due to the fact that we both still love each other so deeply. We had strive through the thick & thin of life, struggled through our final days with projects in university, hid our relationship well enough from the knowledge of both your restrictive parents all the while, love each other so deeply regardless of the physical distance between both of us, & most importantly, hold on & trust this relationship all the way through. This is a blessed promise between both of us; so please, please don't do anything to ruin it.

You know what? Just now while we were walking in Ipoh Parade, we were not holding hands like before. Not holding hands as a couple as you've mentioned that you are worried you might bump into someone you know. Seriously speaking, yes, no big deal about not holding hands. We're old & matured enough not to hold hands like some secondary school kids in love. Also, in case you didn't notice, the topics we've chatted all the way today were merely things you say to your ordinary friends e.g the clothes look good, look at the performance at the stage, there's no parking space in the mall, the watch is nice, etc. Not issues from the heart like what we used to chat. I'm not trying to say "Hey, let's be emotional & start off with issues which can make us cry" or things like that, but I just want to know what's the cause of the distance that is beginning to divide us, just in case you didn't notice. I've tried to ask you directly just now on what's wrong with us, but it seems like you didn't want to explain in further detail. All I can see from your face today is blank. Yes, blank. A blank, unsatisfied, troubled look. If you have something bad or serious you want to talk to me, please go ahead. Tell you something. Do you know all the while when I was walking with you just now at Parade, I feel we both look more like ordinary friends than a couple? And the feeling really, really suck THAT bad until I have to hold off my tears or else I'm going to break off crying like a baby in a public place like that. Why do I cry, you ask? How do you feel when the person you loved the most, even deeper than the love for his parents, walk side by side with you with a blank face like that, doesn't allow you to hold hands, doesn't react anymore to sweet talks or even matters from the heart, doesn't think twice about meeting him for a longer time due to the fact that he comes only fortnightly & all he wants is just a few more hours to be with his beloved girlfriend? And after both of us have done & suffered so much due to one simple restrictive order from your mum, now you stare at my face with a blank, cold look like that? How could you? I'm so, so hurt & torn apart today. Oh my God, now I'm crying. Gosh, a guy like me, crying in front of the laptop. This is so ugly, I just don't want to look at the mirror.

Arghhh, it's so hard to type with all the tears flowing down my cheek. Gonna stop writing this for now, too emotional to continue...

Time, please cure my wound. Or at least, tell me today is just a dream.

t r u t h - 2

2009-06-07T21:25:00.003+08:00

I'm hurt.

Not only hurt physically (I've actually strained my left hand & now typing in pain), but also hurt emotionally.

All the while, I always believe that being frank & telling the truth straight at other people's face when you don't like a person makes you a more respectable & truthful person.

I am so, so wrong.

These 2 weeks, I've faced several face-offs' with some of my colleagues (they came & talked to me personally & told me something real ugly....& when I say ugly, it's really THAT ugly). And after listening to those ugly things, I feel like sh*t. Seriously. The last time I felt like this was when I know I have to go to local university instead of my expected university which majors in another field I'm more interested in.

Well, the few colleagues who came & told me off........it's not really their fault. Really. They're just being frank & straight forward. They're just following the concept I've mentioned earlier bout telling people straight at the face that they don't like me. No big deal. Relationship between humans is one complicated matter, and up to this very day, I still do not understand this matter. Yes, I have to admit, I'm not a perfect person. I have many bad habits which tend to irritate people, I easily offend other people, I often say things which may have direct impact on others. But when people suddenly become straight forward & hostile, they will just drag you out of a place, stand in front of you, look at you straight in the eyes, and say "You s*ck".

Yes, I know I s*ck, but at least, please, try not to be so straight forward. Do you know a simple phrase like that will have direct impact on my emotions & thinking? And here I am, typing away with a hurt left hand, ranting how lousy is my mood now due to some dude who came straight to me like some mafia boss & telling me this kind of things straight at my face.

Thank you, Mr JF. You just ruined my life for the next few weeks.

I really need someone to talk to.....if only I can speak to you now, L. I miss you so, so much.

m e s s

2009-06-05T21:47:00.002+08:00

Yes, tied.

I'm just so tied up with life these days until I don't even have ample time to blog. Or even sh*t.

Yes, it's THAT bad.

Nevertheless, thanks a lot to my faithful followers of my blog out there. I know you are here occasionally to check on updates; it's just my bad I didn't come in here to at least give a quick update on what's happening at my side of this dark realm.

Back to the topic.

Many things happened during this duration of almost a month plus since I last update here. From my main scope of career-wise up to relationship, life, finance & even attitude, I saw, felt & listened to many things, both good & bad, to buck up on my life experiences.

One word to summarize it all.

Mess.

Yes, my life is in a mess right now.

To cut a long winded story short, here we go with the summary for each part.

Career & Finance....

The main topic I've been talking about all this while. Since my last post about J leaving the company, many have changed since then. My boss, Mr B, apparently STILL have some sense left in his head to go employ another person into my team. And yes, as expected, this new person who just came in not long ago, have the thought to leave this company after not even a full month working here.

Yes, my job is THAT ugly.

There are people asking me what the heck am I still wasting my time here doing something I don't like & getting stuck at places like this? If I'm still the old me, I will probably do the exact same thing I've did previously to my last jobs. Resign 1st, enjoy 2nd, find a new one 3rd.

But...

I guess I've started to think deeper & tend to look from a bigger picture 1st. If I do resign 1st & think of getting a job later, what will happen to me in the future? Financially speaking, I will lose my only source of income. Career speaking, I will spoil my own resume's reputation with repetitive resignations. And not to mention what I've said previously that I feel lazy looking for a job all over again.

Now what? I left this issue to drag on & on & on....and before I realize it, I'm already here for 6 months & this month is already my confirmation month. Check out the significant difference :

Before Confirmation:

2 weeks' notice for resignation
Basic salary
Basic job scope

After Confirmation :

3 freaking months for resignation
Same basic salary (no increment + bonus)
Extended job scope (more work)

Now tell me, what will YOU do if you were me? Stuck in an unproductive & not prospectful company like this while leaving myself to rot, or to get the heck out of here to become a beggar by the streets due to the loss of sole income? It's like a dead end at both sides. OMG.

Relationship & Matters from the heart...

I guess the only thing I don't need to worry much once I got myself a job is the number of times I go down to Ipoh to see my dear long-distance relationship girlfriend, L. It's really worth the bus ride of 6 hours in one single day, to-and-flo, just to see her. Looking at her face & holding her hand calms my soul & brings happiness to myself.

However...

Things began to change during the time I see her last weekend.

All of a sudden, she became cold to me. It's like whatever I've said & done has no effect on her. Come to think of it, the sms messages which was once sweet & filled with love & care are now merely messages to ask your current action at home & what you took for dinner. I've tried my very best to find out what is wrong with both of us but it seems like she's not telling me anything. Did her mum told her something about our relationship again? Did her colleagues at work provoked her to something? Did I do anything wrong to make her angry? Most importantly....

Does she not love me anymore?

Like it or not, I guess this question never fail to kill off many poor hearts. And I really, really do not want to be one of them. Both of us have struggled through the hard times, sneaking pass our relationship without her mum's knowledge, loving each other so deeply, strongly encouraging each other during our final year in university when everyone else were so tensed up with their final year project, travelled together to several places while enjoying ourselves, holding her close to my arms when she cries after arguing with her mum bout our relationship, & most importantly, how we look at each other with the love & passion.

And although I confess that the feel is still deep inside my heart, but last week when I look deep into her eyes, I see only cold, ice-cold eyes. No feeling, but I do notice heavy confusion clouds running above her head, as if she's thinking something really hard. Is it about us? Our relationship? Our future?

What's for sure, I will never, never let her go. I still love her as much as the first day we started dating. And I really, really, hope she feel the same too.

L, please don't look at me with that cold eyes. You're killing my heart off slowly without noticing.

Lastly, Attitude...

Something that I don't really notice much until one of my colleagues' reminded me bout this while we were chatting casually about our own personal attitudes. It seems like despite me changing most of my bad attitudes ever since I started dating with L, there seems to be still a lot more bad attitudes left with me. Among those that I felt was still within me :

- Stubborn.
- Money minded.
- Short tempered & emotional at times (but never shown physically or facially)
- Absent minded, yet doesn't like to take down notes.
- No vision for the future.
- Big spender.
- Too quiet & bad social person.

Ok, I'm THAT bad, I have so many bad attitudes, but will I manage to change myself soon? I don't know. I really, really don't know. The last time I've changed my bad attitudes, it was L who gave me the encouragement & support. But now that L is not by my side always & I tend to be alone, pondering where did I go wrong, I guess these habits stay. And people will continue to hate & avoid me.

Hate ? Avoid ?

Good. Let it be then. I love to be alone anyway.

Just leave me alone.

---

I guess this is enough for this time.

Arghhh, need more rest now. Need to go outstation tomorrow.

I'm such a loser.

c o n s i d e r a t i o n

2009-04-29T21:02:00.002+08:00

My dear teammate, best friend, colleague, J left my company today, as today is her last day after calculating all the remaining leaves' that she still have left.

There goes my teammate.

And now there's only me & my superior left in my unit of this department. And that's not the best part.

The best part is during our simple farewell lunch for J this afternoon with several colleagues joining me & J. From there, I realised that not only J (& me, in silence) who have thought of leaving this company for good, stop wasting your precious youth and get the heck out of this company. It seems like most of them are thinking the exact same thing !

Sometimes, when you just plainly look at your colleague's face, you can't really tell whether are they enjoying their job or not. Most people won't show it right at their face that their job s*cks like crap or the boss is some id**t who only knows how to point fingers & not considering employees' welfare at all. But then, when times like this, yes, times when one of your colleagues are leaving this "hell" and off to freedom land, only you will see some people's true intention & feedback towards their current job.

From what I observe, it seems that almost 90% of my colleagues in my department have the intention to leave this company. Yes, a freaking 90%. Huge number, that is, but I feel that only half of them are brave enough to tender their resignation letter to the boss once they get a better offer elsewhere. Reasons for discontent towards their job? Almost the same as me, but majority of them feels that there are no room for improvement in this job. For your information, everyone in my department are doing repetitive, routine robotic jobs and the worse part is we have to so-called "clean up all the sh*t" that my boss left after promising every single person out there that "We can handle the work. Just pass all the work to my employees." (which kind of explains why my department is the busiest in the whole corporation). I have a colleague who is even willing to quit this job for another job who pays RM500 lesser than his current salary! Imagine how bad is my current job.

Nevertheless, I really learn a lot of things here. How people react to different situations, how people handle stress, ugly office politics, lousy inconsiderate boss, insane timelines, and much more. I feel that I shouldn't be influenced by my other colleagues' who are "planning-to-leave" or even leaving this company soon. This is MY job, and at the end of the day, it's up to me, my own judgement, to determine whether is it worth it staying here? Is there still anything to learn here? Will there be good prospects if I continue staying here?

And when I've finally decided & got myself a certain, firm answer, I guess it's time again to update my resume and strive on to look for a more suitable job rather than wasting my precious youth here in this unproductive job.

Maybe I just need to be as firm as Grace for this one.

I'm not sure whether I can do it. I'm just so tired of looking for another job, over & over again.

Consideration is a tiring process.

Ohh, I need motivation !

t r u t h

2009-04-27T20:40:00.009+08:00

Slight deviation...

Sorry for the long absence. Was tied up with tons of never-ending work for the past few weeks (& still going on now). It's just that I left office early today due to an unexpected event. Read on...

End of deviation.

Most people that I know, told me to be good & nice to my boss so that life will be much easier in the office.

Some of my colleagues told me that my supervisor is a nice person, and I should appreciate her more.

However....

Today's events really opened my eyes to both my supervisor (let's just address her by 'A') & boss (let's just address him by 'B') 's true colors & personality.

.

..

....

As I was working today with Monday blues' still hanging around my head, I received an email from my team member (let's just address her by 'J'). That mail is NO ordinary mail. It's a farewell email, telling me that she have already tendered her resignation letter to my supervisor & Human Resource Department today.

Ok....that's a start to blow off my Monday blues.

Shocked, I read on the email that J sent me. It seems like she had enough of all these never-ending workload, unreasonable working hours, inconsiderate boss, & stuffs like that. (this is like reading my own thought for this job!) As such, she got herself another job nearby her house, and now she's bidding me farewell, byebye, take-care-&-be-good kind of stuff.

WTF ?

At 1st thought, I was thinking, "What the heck is this girl thinking? She joins later than me & now she's already leaving? What an id**t ! She should have at least given me an earlier notice so that I can prepare for all incoming crazy workload from now on!" But come to think of it....I can't blame her for this.

Everyone has their own reason for their actions. And J is not excluded in this scenario. This job is definitely not a perfect, or even near perfect kind of job for an IT person, what's more for an IT graduate like me. Doing repetitive work in an unbelievable short timeline with extreme pressure isn't a good thing for everyone. And I'm pretty sure J had enough of these nonsense, and here I am, reading her farewell email while her mind dozes off to the fancy & free surrounding outside this stressful & heartless corporate world.

As I was thinking so deeply about J's case, time just flew past me & before I notice it, it's already coming to late afternoon and all of a sudden, I got another surprise. This time, it's an SMS from my direct boss, B. It reads :

"Meet me at 17th floor at 4.45pm. From B"

Ok, now what?

Sharp 4.45pm, I went up the place he meant and waited for him. After several minutes, he came to the room, and closed the door. Ok, I could feel he meant business. This has either got something to do with J's resignation earlier this morning or I'm "unlucky" enough to get an early confirmation letter.

Ohh yes, I got the former reason right.

To cut a long story short, overall the "so-called-1-on-1-chat-session-with-your-boss" took a freaking 45 minutes with only me & my boss, B, on the conversation. And his first question to me was the standard nonsense question that all bosses will ask their employees' : "How is your work? Coping up well?" And since I have this thought of changing my job role ever since I feel this job of mine isn't going anywhere, I just blurted out the answer without much thought : "Not really." And from there, all discontent feelings were just blasted out like flowing water. I guess this session is meant to be like this anyway, what's more I feel this session is for me to voice out my opinion so that I won't end up like J or something.

Overall, the 2 main things I'd asked him was :

Q1 - Can I change my job role? My current one s*cks like CRAP. (well, I didn't said the last part, but the 1st part is true)

Q2 - The crazy ridiculous datelines are killing me ! Any way to make it more logical?

And the answers I've got was :

A1 - Yes, but you have to wait until end of the year when I'm done reshuffling our ENTIRE team.

A2 - Can't be helped. It's part of business requirement.

Please, please pardon me for the harsh words which I'll be saying from now on, as I'm simply TOO PISSED OFF with these kind of answers.

I mean, WHAT THE F**K are you saying, B? Wait until you reshuffle the team? Hello, Mr B, can't you see I'm getting sick & pissed off with my current job role? It's a bl**dy h*ll repetitive sh*t job which doesn't require any IT knowledge or an IT graduate to do. I just trap myself in the office, look at the computer screen, does the repetitive & sometimes illogical work again & again EVERY FREAKING DAY & now you ask me to wait until end of this year for a simple job role change internally?

And the second answer. Hey, id**t boss, me & you are humans. We are the same, mere humans. Ok, maybe you're NOT human due to the fact that you work 12 hours a day EVERY DAY & you don't even need to sleep. What you needed are work, a computer & an Internet connection to stay alive. I'm not like you. I mean, not everyone is like you. Everyone here, or should I say, EVERYONE ON EARTH has something you definitely don't have. And it's called LIFE. Let me spell it out for you, L.I.F.E. And the meaning of this word is defined as going out there & enjoy it before you die the next day with your computer & LAN cable by your side. Timeline are dead, abstract objects which determine the lifetime of a software lifecycle. But we humans are living beings, with our own thinking, personality, & most importantly, life. So, WHAT THE F**K is wrong with you & your timeline? Can't you see which is more important, the welfare of your staff or the short & ridiculous timeline of your pathetic projects? To tell you the truth, id**t boss, if you were to continue being like this, I bet all your staff will be gone sooner or later & then you're left with just you & your "possible-to-achieve" project datelines. Now go to H*LL. NOW.

Back to the topic.

After I'm done talking to B, I came out of the room, and there I see J waiting anxiously outside the room. I asked J, "What are you doing here?" She replied, "B told me to see him. A called me just now too." I just simply said "Good luck" and went back to my work place downstairs.

And then...

I just leave the office with my head fuming with anger & discontent.

I really, really don't understand why both A & B think this way. What's wrong with them? Just look at J's resignation and the effect on both myself & J. A simple resignation and look at the fuss that B took to speak to both of us in order to "so-called" get our feedback & indirectly, I suppose, to convince J to stay on. People just don't appreciate your hardwork, sweat & h*ll you've been through to get your job done on time. It has been uncountable times when both me & J struggled so hard to get things done on time & to fulfill the ridiculous impossible timeline set by B. We stayed back so late, we cracked our heads to think of a faster way to get things done, and we try to finish up everything nicely. And look what we got in return? Nothing to learn, nothing goes into the knowledge base of our heads, and all we got are bad health, seeds of discontent, extreme fatigue and now we have to bear with these nonsense & ineffective "feedback session".

And now...here I am, at home, writing away & planting my seeds of discontent upon this dark blog of mine.

Sometimes, I feel you're the only one who truly understand me, darkness blog. Yes, I know you don't response to my every move like my dear darling, L, but you are always by my side, listening & providing me with the platform to just blurt out whatever discontent, anger, rage, confusion, sorrow, & every negative thought that can be in my head. And now that I'm done complaining bout how pathetic & id**t f**ks both A & B can be, I'm off to get a good night's sleep.

Good night, people.

Arghhh, need to take on the work again tomorrow.

p a s t

2009-04-02T22:32:00.002+08:00

A colleague of mine asked me to have breakfast together early this morning, as I happen to arrive at the office around the same time as him. While I was walking towards the stall to meet up my colleague, I saw......

..

....

......

My ex-boss.

And he didn't see me (in case you're wondering) because he was busy chatting with his wife (yes, I recognise that lady) that time. I was crossing this busy street in front of my office, and then I saw him & his wife walking at the opposite side of the road. No time for me to even call him or say hi, as he was quite a distance away.

Well, nothing fancy with bumping my ex-boss by the streets, it is just...this feeling. This small, tiny feeling that struck me directly through myself. The feeling that the past is still not over. No, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to mean that once I see my ex-boss, I will become an idiot & return to work back at my previous company. It's just that all of a sudden, I feel slightly guilty.

Yes, guilty.

If you are a faithful reader of my blog, you will know that the main reason I quit my last job was because it was stressful. And then, after going through hell at the 2nd job, I'm now at my 3rd job, in which I'm barely persevering with all the crazy datelines, workload & stress kicking in a good ol' city job. And why guilty? Because I felt I am sorry for resigning from my 1st job (as the ex-boss that I saw is the boss of the 1st company I've worked with). But I have to also thank him for giving me a chance to see the world from a different perspective. With this, comes all the "What if I stayed in my previous company ?" & a whole load of "What if ..." haunting the rest of my life. No, I don't want to live under this shadow forever.

To make things simplier, I just feel tired. Plain tired of looking around for an ultimate, high paying job with no stress and maximum luxury time. Tired of looking around for easy job. Tired of looking for jobs which I can leave sharp on time. Tired of looking for a great & understanding boss. Tired of feeling restless & guilty after a series of unexpected events.

Enough of thinking for today. Off to sleep, as I'm currently suffering from fever, flu, cough & sore throat, all in one go. Taking MC tomorrow.

When shall my suffering finally end?

d i r e c t i o n

2009-03-29T20:56:00.002+08:00

It's been almost 3 months since I last started this job of mine.

And....

I feel I'm going nowhere.

No sense of direction, like a lost child.

Ever since I started playing my REAL role for my job on January, I've already sense this coming. The feeling that this job isn't what I wanted to do in the 1st place. It's not that I'm hinting on another change of job (I'm kind of, through with switching jobs previously & I'm just plain lazy to find another one again). It's just that there is no more interest, no more satisfaction in this job. For now, it's just plainly working for cash, cash & nothing else. It's simply for the sake to earn a living.

Many reasons contribute to this factor that yes, I hate my job again. The whole, same old story repeats itself. Just that it comes in a different package this time. Yes, many factors. The main one, I have to say, is no interest in the job I'm doing. Besides that, crazy long working hours, unreasonable boss, repetitive & tedious work, & ridiculous project timelines contribute greatly to the demotivation process too. Oh yes, it's just so easy to write up a nice resignation letter, put it up on a nice envelope, write my boss's name on it, and pass it to him on the next working day. As easy as that.

However...

Thinking from a further perspective, quiting your job at the middle of an upcoming economic downturn is a bad move. REAL bad move. You can say bye bye to your company, but that doesn't guarantee you a better job at another company asap. As such, I've decided to stay put to this company (although the job is KILLING me by day) and come up with a different plan.

A plan to change my job role.

No, not transferring to another department. It's just an internal transfer within my own unit. And I really, really hope my boss will consider my decision throughly, because as time passes by, I began to hate my current job role deeper & deeper. It's kind of like, waking up every morning on a weekday, on a lousy mood telling you that "You need to continue your crappy job again today". And you know how sucky it is. But by doing this, not only I can still keep my job & primary source of income intact, but I can also change my job role to a better one. Maybe changing to an Implementor (who implements projects & conduct training for users) can make a great change.

I don't know. I really, really don't know.

Final decision comes from my boss. And the worst part is I don't know how, when & where should I start from?

Ohhh courage, come to me.

s i n g l e

2009-03-14T23:39:00.002+08:00

"Huh, are you serious? Alone?"

"Errmmm....single room? Sorry, minimum is twin sharing."

"No, no. Only two people minimum. Go get a friend or something."

"You don't have friends to go with you?"

"Harr??"

"Are you OK?"

I guess most of you know what I meant by the conversations above. They are true, real responses "thrown" to me during my visit to MATTA Fair 2009 today, organised by MATTA to promote tourism. For most Malaysians, I believe, this is the place where you can get cheap bargain for vacations, both locally & internationally. And I really mean it when I say CHEAP. (well, that is IF you can survive the crowd & you have good observation / comparison / eagle eyes).

Ok, enough with definitions. Back to my case.

The title of this post explains it partially. The real story is.....as always, I miss Terengganu. I miss it so, so much that sometimes when I'm really stressed out due to excessive work or pressure, once I'm back home & my mind is set on rest mode, the sight of Terengganu comes in. The sandy beaches, the tranquility, the silence, the wind, the waves, the peace. No traffic jams, no clubs, no shopping complexes, no ugly & impatient drivers, only nice & friendly people.

Which is why as per previous years, I'll be returning to Terengganu again. Besides revisiting the place I miss so much, I can get some nice, great, island feeling and also attend my juniors' convocation which will most probably fall on end of July *fingers crossed*

To keep a long story short, the main reason I've visited MATTA Fair today was to get the best & affordable offer for a nice island trip, all by MYSELF. Yes, this may sound sadist & weird to some people, but I'm saying I'll be going for this island trip all by myself because yes, I'm the kind of people who likes to do things alone. All alone, without anyone accompanying me. Which kind of explain why, or how do I manage to get sarcastic & pathetic responses earlier in this post.

I really don't get it at all. Yes, I know it's part of their sales' tactic to put up a freaking cheap price up on their brouchers & banners to promote the cheap tours' & packages that they are offering (it's simple : they just put up an attractive price tag, say, RM220 for a 3D2N full package trip to Redang. And then.....they put up a small, tiny, weenie asterisk symbol next to it, mentioning terms & conditions apply. Guess what are the terms? Quad sharing basis, or 50% deposit upon booking. Ugly enough?) But this isn't the exact thing that is bothering me.

The main thing that is bothering me is the number of island resorts in Terengganu that offers single accomodation / packages.

Wait, let me rephrase that.

The number of resorts in Malaysia that offers single accomodation / packages.

Yes, it is THAT bad.

Everyone needs their own private time. For myself, I'm the same in this case, it's just that I need more private time than everyone else. For some people, say, my elder sister. She can't travel (or even live) alone ; all her travelling are done with at least a minimum of 2 persons. Well, I don't blame her for this, as I'm sure most people would feel the same too (which explains the popular Twin Sharing concept). But what happens if someone needs to get away with everything & everyone, as they just need some time alone? What happens if someone is heart-broken, stressed out, and needed more space to breathe more fresh air alone, without the disturbance of anyone else, even their spouse? I have to say, I'm neither heart-broken nor too stressed out, but I just want some private time alone, without any company, without anybody to bother me with my activities. Just me, alone, with my good ol' faithful sound of silence. The gentle breeze from the sea at night. The "blue tears" from the sands of sea, which I love to see & feel. The bright stars shining across the clear dark skies between land & sea.

Oh gosh, the abstract elements are pouring out. Back to reality now.

After searching high & low in the fair for island tour packages that offer single accommodation, I'd manage to find a few resorts which are still offering these kind of service. And the finding are.....ermm....fascinating. The pricing for single accommodation are sky high, I guess even higher than the stock market graph thing. According to the agents, it seems like if you're living alone in the resort, it's kind of wasting the resort's resources. As such, they will have "no choice" but to overcharge me with insanely ridiculous high prices.

However...

I didn't give up. I continued searching again for a more affordable single accommodation package around, and I finally found one in Kapas Island Resort. (for your information, I don't do sponsored post, so don't worry).Ohh yes, no more Redang, no more Perhentian, no more Lang Tengah, here comes Kapas Island, the closest island to mainland Terengganu. Some say that you can even SWIM to the island if you are fit enough. Wow. Anyway, they still charge me an extra surcharge of RM60 per night for single accommodation, which makes the overall pricing more expensive, but for me, I feel that overall, the price is quite reasonable. Getting a 3D2N stay at Pulau Kapas, all in, for one person, cost me less than RM400. Definitely not a good bargain in a "everything-must-be-cheap" travel fair, but the main point is I can go alone. I can go to an island, all alone.

ALL ALONE !!!

Wow.

Next challenge on the list : Getting approval for long leave from my workaholic boss who thinks that EVERYDAY is a working day.

Travelling alone is not weird....ahhh, the joy of loneliness.

e n d l e s s

2009-03-01T00:40:00.005+08:00

It's not over yet.

It looks endless. My current outstanding work for my job is not done yet, status last updated on Friday which is "supposed" to be the dateline to complete everything.

In case you're wondering what the heck am I saying above, to make things short, I can't seem to finish up my work. No matter how late I stayed back after work, no matter how much effort & enthusiasm I put in to complete the work in time, it's useless. The only thing I can see is all my effort down the drain, the amount of work can't seem to reduce by time, and I have not only one boss now, but I have another additional supervisor to keep track with my work. Oh gosh.

-- Slight deviation --

Well, to make things short, all the while since the day I reported to work, I'm under the supervision of a manager, let's just call him the "boss". Well, as per my previous posts, I've explained what type of person my boss is. So, it kind of last for 2 months until...my boss employed another person, an assistant manager, now let's call her "supervisor", to take charge of my division.

That's exactly when hell breaks loose.

My new supervisor is from a totally different background from what is needed here. You see, she's from a pure HR (Human Resource) background, and now my boss employs her to be my superior to take charge of my division, which involves lots (& I mean, LOTS) of IT (Information Technology) tweaking. So, now, tell me from a layman's point of view, do HR & IT go well together? Answer?

NO.

So what in the f**king h*ll is she doing here ??

Nothing besides ordering me around to finish up her stuffs, in which she totally has NO FREAKING IDEA.

And please do not ask me to tell it straight to my boss, I've already did so and the only bl**dy answer I get was "Don't worry-lah, she's a person with 10+ years of experience & knowledge, and I'm sure she can teach you lots of new things. She's my ex-colleague in Company XYZ and I know her capability".

WTF??

Hey, Mr Boss, if you're going to employ someone who has vast knowledge & experience in IT or in the area that I'm covering right now for you, as my superior, I'm contented with all my heart & will because I know I can learn a lot more things from that person. But NOW you've employed someone who is experienced in something ELSE who is your ex-colleague and now you expect me to learn from her? Expect me to learn from a person who don't even KNOW what to do when a PC hangs, or start whining & complaining when the website doesn't load, when in fact, she simply mistype the slash character in the web address as "\" instead of "/" ? What do you expect me to learn from her, Mr Boss? HR? Sewing? or whining?

OMG.

-- Deviation ended. --

With the sudden shock appearance of my supervisor, now I'm lost. Totally lost in confusion, not to forget the tons & tons of pilling work, waiting for me to complete with an already overdue dateline, no helping hand, and a bl**dy supervisor who doesn't help out (or should I rephrase that to "don't know where to start"?)

I've been working for a constant 13 hours per working day for the past 2 weeks in order to finish up the work, but it keeps coming & coming like ants. Now I have a bad headache, my eyes are blurring whenever I see my company PC's monitor, and I have a great supervisor who are not willing to learn up new skills & rather bug me with questions whenever her PC hangs or she needs to change the resolution of her Windows OS.

Ohh, someone help me please...

Glad the weekend's here to save me "temporarily" from further unnecessary stress.

Come to daddy, Mr Hoegaarden & Ms Stella Artois.

Another day before hell continues...