c r a w l

10 days.


Officially 10 days to reach 31st May 2008, or also known as the end of Torture Month.


But, I'm curious on why does time starts to crawl...out of a sudden. No joke intended, but yes, I feel that time is really crawling and passing me by more slower than usual. Maybe...that's what I have in mind almost all of my life.


Joy are short-lived, they come & go without you noticing.
Sorrow are eternal, they come & stay to haunt you endlessly.


Time, please resume flying to end my torment.

a l o n e -- p t. 1

15th May 2008, 9.56pm, home.


Alone. I'm all alone at home.


And I feel...


Bliss.



It's been such a long time since I felt such bliss, regardless of the fact that Torture Month isn't over yet.


I'm born a loner. Ever since I was still a small boy, I'm used to the fact that I play alone, I run alone, I go everywhere alone. Actually, I really enjoy this...loneliness so much. In fact, when I see other people with loads of friends (in which you can easily notice from mamak stalls, clubbing areas and church gatherings), I feel nothing. No envy, no jealously, no "what-if-I'm-one-of-them" kind of sh*t. Maybe because I'm raised this way, which I seldom mix around with people. I wouldn't say I'm an anti-social, well, I do have my 'small' circle of friends, but if only you could ever succeed in convincing me that a friend will be always by your side during the worst ever sh*tty situation, no matter how deep sh*t you are in, I might change my perspective on this. Yes, I know (especially girls, no offence), people will say "I'll be by your side no matter what happens" or maybe "You're my best friend ever".


Yeah, yeah, whatever.


I'm the rare type of person who prefer to do everything alone. I love to travel around alone, I love to go watch a movie alone, I love to go sing karaoke at Redbox alone, I love to go have my dinner outside alone. Everything when I'm alone, I feel that nothing is bothering me. I feel free to go wherever I want to, watch whatever movie I want, sing whatever song I love even if it sounds worse than William Hung, or order whatever food I love even if the food is freaking unhealthy. I just feel more like myself when I'm alone. I can say that I'm the total opposite of my elder sister who HAVE (note the caps) to find someone to accompany her to do whatever she's doing minus going to bathe or sleep.


Call me a freak, call me a weirdo, call me an id*ot. This is my life, and I d*mn love it. Moreover, today's one of the rare days where NO ONE is at home, not even my parents who just went for their vacation.


And maybe all these loneliness and negativity brought me up as a much more mature & independent man.


Now, please leave me alone in my own world.

r a g e

As explained in the previous post, this month is officially named as the Torture Month, in conjunction with my last & final working month, flooded with tons of work.


Now...not only I'm experiencing the pressure of loads of work....I'm also experiencing the rage of the new item . No, not the new item which is causing all the rage, but the rage caused by my bl**dy id*ot sister for using my new item. To tell the fact, yes, I admit, I'm a person who can easily experience rage and anger regardless of situation intact. And I have to admit as well, I'm a bl**dy selfish b*st*rd who likes keeping every single item, new or old, big or small, to myself. I hate sharing. Sharing screws my life up, and sometimes I'm fascinated by the fact that I can live with sharing stuffs with my elder sister. This fact may sound scary for friends and people who know me, but I'm living with these attributes since I was born.

D*mnit.


But....


What she did yesterday was really, really unforgivable. Ok, leave the selfish & 'I-hate-sharing' part aside, back to basics. What would you do when you are going to borrow something which belongs to other people? The answer would most probably pop out easily from even the minds of a 6 year old kid who remembers what their kindergarden teacher told them. The answer? "Ask the owner for permission, then borrow the item". Very basic, very simple concept. Yet, my sister, my ELDER sister who already know well bout this very basic concept, didn't apply this concept at all yesterday when she just simply took my new item, bring it out for a round, and thinking of silently bringing back this item without my knowledge, until I called her up and asks about her current location at that time.


In order to lessen the effect of the rage from within, I went to sleep at 9pm yesterday (which is the EARLIEST time I ever go to sleep for almost 10 years), trying hard to forget the bl**dy incident which almost blew my mind off. This morning....woke up at 9am (which means I've slept for 12 hours?!) and began typing this post with the same amount of rage I had before I went to sleep yesterday.


Sometimes, I really don't know how to control my rage.


It's just.....


An uncontrollable desire.