a l o n e

I was born to this world....alone.

I started off my life....alone.

I walked into kindergarden....alone.

I played with my toys....alone.

I entered adolescence....alone.

I went into Form 6....alone.

I stepped into university....alone.

I struggle through cruel worklife....alone.

I cried my way off an unsolvable relationship....alone.

I live the rest of my life....alone.

And...

I will leave this cruel & sad world....alone.


Ohhh......."me". "We" have been together since the day I was born....thanks for being there all these while.


No one will understand my sorrow & loneliness.

d i s t a n c e

As I'm writing this post, I'm currently in a hotel room in Ipoh. As usual, I'm here to see my girlfriend, L.


However...


Today is much more different than before. And it really, really HURT me very deeply.

As I came to Ipoh today with the intention to stay overnight for a night until tomorrow (Sunday) just to see her for another day, it seems my effort had gone on waste due to the fact that she can't come out tomorrow due to "too much work & need to stay back home to complete". Well,nothing much I can say about her work as I do understand the dateline to complete her work will be end of next week. This is not what hurts me the most anyway.


What hurts the most today? I think I'll just cut the long story short with a simple summary.


No more sweet words from her mouth...

No more holding my hands tight...

No more hugging as before...

No more words from the heart...


Yes, it is THAT bad.

I can feel a distance appearing in between both of us. It never, ever, happen before to us, but
today, I can feel it. Feel the distance drifting both of us apart. After being together for 3 years & ongoing, we're now drifting apart with a distance? The distance just came out of the blue without me noticing it. Did I do or say anything wrong that might have offended her? Did her mum came to her & explain her SICK theory to brainwash her & seperate both of us? Did she found a better guy than myself? Worse come to worse...my greatest fear...


Did she gave up on me?



L, please, please don't be so cruel. Yes, I still remember the day you've "tried" to initiate a break-up on our relationship early last year, but it failed in the end due to the fact that we both still love each other so deeply. We had strive through the thick & thin of life, struggled through our final days with projects in university, hid our relationship well enough from the knowledge of both your restrictive parents all the while, love each other so deeply regardless of the physical distance between both of us, & most importantly, hold on & trust this relationship all the way through. This is a blessed promise between both of us; so please, please don't do anything to ruin it.


You know what? Just now while we were walking in Ipoh Parade, we were not holding hands like before. Not holding hands as a couple as you've mentioned that you are worried you might bump into someone you know. Seriously speaking, yes, no big deal about not holding hands. We're old & matured enough not to hold hands like some secondary school kids in love. Also, in case you didn't notice, the topics we've chatted all the way today were merely things you say to your ordinary friends e.g the clothes look good, look at the performance at the stage, there's no parking space in the mall, the watch is nice, etc. Not issues from the heart like what we used to chat. I'm not trying to say "Hey, let's be emotional & start off with issues which can make us cry" or things like that, but I just want to know what's the cause of the distance that is beginning to divide us, just in case you didn't notice. I've tried to ask you directly just now on what's wrong with us, but it seems like you didn't want to explain in further detail. All I can see from your face today is blank. Yes, blank. A blank, unsatisfied, troubled look. If you have something bad or serious you want to talk to me, please go ahead. Tell you something. Do you know all the while when I was walking with you just now at Parade, I feel we both look more like ordinary friends than a couple? And the feeling really, really suck THAT bad until I have to hold off my tears or else I'm going to break off crying like a baby in a public place like that. Why do I cry, you ask? How do you feel when the person you loved the most, even deeper than the love for his parents, walk side by side with you with a blank face like that, doesn't allow you to hold hands, doesn't react anymore to sweet talks or even matters from the heart, doesn't think twice about meeting him for a longer time due to the fact that he comes only fortnightly & all he wants is just a few more hours to be with his beloved girlfriend? And after both of us have done & suffered so much due to one simple restrictive order from your mum, now you stare at my face with a blank, cold look like that? How could you? I'm so, so hurt & torn apart today. Oh my God, now I'm crying. Gosh, a guy like me, crying in front of the laptop. This is so ugly, I just don't want to look at the mirror.


Arghhh, it's so hard to type with all the tears flowing down my cheek. Gonna stop writing this for now, too emotional to continue...


Time, please cure my wound. Or at least, tell me today is just a dream.

t r u t h - 2

I'm hurt.


Not only hurt physically (I've actually strained my left hand & now typing in pain), but also hurt emotionally.


All the while, I always believe that being frank & telling the truth straight at other people's face when you don't like a person makes you a more respectable & truthful person.


I am so, so wrong.


These 2 weeks, I've faced several face-offs' with some of my colleagues (they came & talked to me personally & told me something real ugly....& when I say ugly, it's really THAT ugly). And after listening to those ugly things, I feel like sh*t. Seriously. The last time I felt like this was when I know I have to go to local university instead of my expected university which majors in another field I'm more interested in.


Well, the few colleagues who came & told me off........it's not really their fault. Really. They're just being frank & straight forward. They're just following the concept I've mentioned earlier bout telling people straight at the face that they don't like me. No big deal. Relationship between humans is one complicated matter, and up to this very day, I still do not understand this matter. Yes, I have to admit, I'm not a perfect person. I have many bad habits which tend to irritate people, I easily offend other people, I often say things which may have direct impact on others. But when people suddenly become straight forward & hostile, they will just drag you out of a place, stand in front of you, look at you straight in the eyes, and say "You s*ck".


Yes, I know I s*ck, but at least, please, try not to be so straight forward. Do you know a simple phrase like that will have direct impact on my emotions & thinking? And here I am, typing away with a hurt left hand, ranting how lousy is my mood now due to some dude who came straight to me like some mafia boss & telling me this kind of things straight at my face.


Thank you, Mr JF. You just ruined my life for the next few weeks.


I really need someone to talk to.....if only I can speak to you now, L. I miss you so, so much.

m e s s

Yes, tied.

I'm just so tied up with life these days until I don't even have ample time to blog. Or even sh*t.


Yes, it's THAT bad.


Nevertheless, thanks a lot to my faithful followers of my blog out there. I know you are here occasionally to check on updates; it's just my bad I didn't come in here to at least give a quick update on what's happening at my side of this dark realm.


Back to the topic.


Many things happened during this duration of almost a month plus since I last update here. From my main scope of career-wise up to relationship, life, finance & even attitude, I saw, felt & listened to many things, both good & bad, to buck up on my life experiences.

One word to summarize it all.


Mess.


Yes, my life is in a mess right now.

To cut a long winded story short, here we go with the summary for each part.


Career & Finance....

The main topic I've been talking about all this while. Since my last post about J leaving the company, many have changed since then. My boss, Mr B, apparently STILL have some sense left in his head to go employ another person into my team. And yes, as expected, this new person who just came in not long ago, have the thought to leave this company after not even a full month working here.


Yes, my job is THAT ugly.


There are people asking me what the heck am I still wasting my time here doing something I don't like & getting stuck at places like this? If I'm still the old me, I will probably do the exact same thing I've did previously to my last jobs. Resign 1st, enjoy 2nd, find a new one 3rd.


But...


I guess I've started to think deeper & tend to look from a bigger picture 1st. If I do resign 1st & think of getting a job later, what will happen to me in the future? Financially speaking, I will lose my only source of income. Career speaking, I will spoil my own resume's reputation with repetitive resignations. And not to mention what I've said previously that I feel lazy looking for a job all over again.

Now what? I left this issue to drag on & on & on....and before I realize it, I'm already here for 6 months & this month is already my confirmation month. Check out the significant difference :


Before Confirmation:

2 weeks' notice for resignation
Basic salary
Basic job scope

After Confirmation :

3 freaking months for resignation
Same basic salary (no increment + bonus)
Extended job scope (more work)


Now tell me, what will YOU do if you were me? Stuck in an unproductive & not prospectful company like this while leaving myself to rot, or to get the heck out of here to become a beggar by the streets due to the loss of sole income? It's like a dead end at both sides. OMG.



Relationship & Matters from the heart...

I guess the only thing I don't need to worry much once I got myself a job is the number of times I go down to Ipoh to see my dear long-distance relationship girlfriend, L. It's really worth the bus ride of 6 hours in one single day, to-and-flo, just to see her. Looking at her face & holding her hand calms my soul & brings happiness to myself.


However...


Things began to change during the time I see her last weekend.

All of a sudden, she became cold to me. It's like whatever I've said & done has no effect on her. Come to think of it, the sms messages which was once sweet & filled with love & care are now merely messages to ask your current action at home & what you took for dinner. I've tried my very best to find out what is wrong with both of us but it seems like she's not telling me anything. Did her mum told her something about our relationship again? Did her colleagues at work provoked her to something? Did I do anything wrong to make her angry? Most importantly....


Does she not love me anymore?


Like it or not, I guess this question never fail to kill off many poor hearts. And I really, really do not want to be one of them. Both of us have struggled through the hard times, sneaking pass our relationship without her mum's knowledge, loving each other so deeply, strongly encouraging each other during our final year in university when everyone else were so tensed up with their final year project, travelled together to several places while enjoying ourselves, holding her close to my arms when she cries after arguing with her mum bout our relationship, & most importantly, how we look at each other with the love & passion.


And although I confess that the feel is still deep inside my heart, but last week when I look deep into her eyes, I see only cold, ice-cold eyes. No feeling, but I do notice heavy confusion clouds running above her head, as if she's thinking something really hard. Is it about us? Our relationship? Our future?


What's for sure, I will never, never let her go. I still love her as much as the first day we started dating. And I really, really, hope she feel the same too.


L, please don't look at me with that cold eyes. You're killing my heart off slowly without noticing.


Lastly, Attitude...


Something that I don't really notice much until one of my colleagues' reminded me bout this while we were chatting casually about our own personal attitudes. It seems like despite me changing most of my bad attitudes ever since I started dating with L, there seems to be still a lot more bad attitudes left with me. Among those that I felt was still within me :

- Stubborn.
- Money minded.
- Short tempered & emotional at times (but never shown physically or facially)
- Absent minded, yet doesn't like to take down notes.
- No vision for the future.
- Big spender.
- Too quiet & bad social person.


Ok, I'm THAT bad, I have so many bad attitudes, but will I manage to change myself soon? I don't know. I really, really don't know. The last time I've changed my bad attitudes, it was L who gave me the encouragement & support. But now that L is not by my side always & I tend to be alone, pondering where did I go wrong, I guess these habits stay. And people will continue to hate & avoid me.


Hate ? Avoid ?


Good. Let it be then. I love to be alone anyway.


Just leave me alone.


---

I guess this is enough for this time.


Arghhh, need more rest now. Need to go outstation tomorrow.


I'm such a loser.