e n d

Today excluded, I have exactly 2 more days to reality.

Two.

More.

Days.

Come this Monday, I will have to leave sanctuary, I will have to leave the joy of returning to the place I find peace, tranquility & serenity. Cruel reality awaits my return at the beginning of next week, as the feeling of TONS (note the caps and bold) of emails  in my company email lingers above my head.

I wonder, why do happy times always pass us by so fast?

And frustrated, headache, unhappy days at work seems to pass by slower?

Yes, purely psychological. Painful to accept, yes, but again, who are we to actually compare & weight the amount of time we've wasted on so much things in life ?

Life is too short to worry bout stuffs, so be it.

Will be returning back home by tomorrow evening.

Be strong, be alert, LYJ.

It's gonna be rough this coming week.

r e t u r n

I'm finally back to the exact same neighbourhood I've once lived in, for 2 long years during my university days.

Ahhhh....

Feels good to be back home.

s e r e n i t y -- Chapter 2

(Delayed post – Initially posted on 25/07/11, 9:46 PM, a resort in Lang Tengah Island, Terengganu)

This shall be the last chapter of well, the “island” part along my self-realization trip in Terengganu.

Time flies as we all know. Just that happier times fly faster than the speed of light, before you even notice it. And crappy, stressful, f**ked up times are miraculously longer to severely torture your spirits as always.

Yes, along these 2 short days of island stay, I’ve been relaxing a lot. But still, I felt that the amount of “relaxation” I’ve experienced this round is so much lesser as compared to my previous session back at the crappy resort at Pulau Kapas. Yes indeed, I have to admit, the resort back there at Kapas was so much crappier in every aspect, but still, I felt that my self-realization sessions back there were so much more effective. It’s the overall level of satisfaction, sense of accomplishment . . . . which are definitely missing from my self-realization in Lang Tengah island this round. Maybe it’s because of the large number of people here? Not really THAT large, in a sense. Besides the throng of Caucasians, French & Dutch along the resorts next door and behind my current resort, that is. But well, they are really friendly people who will actually take the effort to SMILE at even strangers like me (which many Malaysians fail miserably), chat and share experiences, not to mention the level of comfort you’ll get by just speaking casually to them. Gosh, now I know how bad we Malaysians speak to strangers.

But yeah, back to the topic of overall satisfaction.

What’s really missing from my self-realization this round? I don’t know, I really don’t know. Maybe I was overloaded with activities along my stay here? FYI, I’ve been doing massive snorkelling, kayaking, swimming & extensive nearby resorts’ side-seeing just for today. Hmmmm, might be possible. Coz this time, I felt that I have so much lesser time for myself to actually sit down, think, reminiscense, relax and start planning what lies ahead. Unlike my previous session, despite having massive snorkelling sessions in between, I still get to squeeze in some time to actually do some deep thoughts before deciding that “OK, I’m done here”. Maybe I should opt for a “Free & Easy” package the next time I do my self-realization sessions in Terengganu’s islands. Screw those snorkelling sessions.

The results so far after today?

Minimal self-realization results, met & made friends with a friendly couple from Sydney, Australia who are currently undergoing some freaking serious sh*t “Visit Malaysia” planning (they will be here up to Wednesday, & then going to Pulau Perhentian, Taman Negara and Penang in the next 2 weeks!), got closer to my friendly “personal” island tour guide – Mr Mahathir (yes, similar name with our country’s ex-premier), and interesting topics discussion with the current resort’s caretaker/manager – Pak Long (as how everyone address him here). Some amazing 61 year old police retiree with 2 wives and the youngest daughter at 11 months. Yes, you read that right. 11 MONTHS OLD DAUGHTER. WTF ??!

Ok let’s not emphasis anymore on other people’s lives.

To cut a long story short, I’ll be up early again tomorrow and hopefully I can get myself a really feasible, workable self-realization session before I leave this island to return to mainland & back to the place I once and always miss so, so much.

KUALA TERENGGANU, here I come.

 

Please wait for me.

s e r e n i t y -- Chapter 1

(Delayed post – Initially posted on 24/07/11, 10:49 PM, a resort in Lang Tengah Island, Terengganu)

Finally . . .

I’m back at the place I find peace, tranquillity & most importantly – serenity.

Why serenity?

For me, I define serenity as a state of mind where my mind can finally put to ease. A feeling in which I can feel physically that all of a sudden, the heavy “burden” due to the excessive amount of stress I have collected along the way from the hectic life in KL, can finally be let go. Let go. Let’s just say serenity in my sense is releasing stress, my way.

Now that I’m finally back to Terengganu, as I’m typing this, I’m away from mainland and also away from any form of communication, be it Internet access, phone calls or even phone sms’. My location spoiler? Up there when I mentioned that I’m currently in one of the resorts in Lang Tengah Island. Not planning to disclose my exact current location, due to I do not want to do free publicity for this resort. Not that I hate or dislike this resort as much as I hated my PREVIOUS RESORT , but well, let’s just keep to the main topic, no?

One of the main reasons I always slot in an island trip during my annual trip back to Terengganu is coz of this. The sole cause to actually do some “self-talking” or self-realization, in a sense. This might sound crazy and cuckoo for some but for me, it actually works out well to manage my currently sky-high level of stress and also to re-set my goals & direction in life. You see, sometimes we really need this kind of heads-up exercise to really grow up knowing you’re heading the right way. And with all the f**king (sorry, I just can’t think of any other better words to describe this than to use the infamous 4 letter word) hell I’ve been through in KL for the past 6 months due to my FANTASTIC new job, I can’t help it but to pray hard, keep fingers crossed and hope that this self-realization trip can materialize by July as I know that the Muslims’ puasa month starts on August and I wouldn’t wanna go to an Islamic state knowing that almost everyone here can’t eat nor drink along my period of stay !

Ok, now I’m here, what is next?

It’s approaching the end of the day now, let me just summarize the findings for today.

I feel better. SO MUCH BETTER, seriously. It can’t get any better to be here than to be at KL having to starve and convince myself on how screwed up is my life. I’m not saying that all the stress I got from KL are due to my current 6 mths new job, or those crappy drivers in KL/PJ which basically drive me nuts (literally), but what I’m trying to say is....yes, my sky-high stress level mainly comes from my workplace. Seriously.

FYI, I’m the one & only solo guest left in this resort for my whole stay duration of 3D2N. According to the staff here, most people have already left the island earlier this morning (after I came in to the island on the morning session, the staff here basically stuff everyone from the island back to the mainland). Seems like everyone needs to work the next day, I guess. That’s why everyone is rushing to go back mainland by Sun ! Hmmmm...good. Let those jokers go back and not disturb my peaceful & deep thoughts I’ve been through.

To keep it short, my  1^st day back here, it’s truly therapeutic and I felt so much better physically and emotionally. Too bad they don’t have body massage here, else I’ll definitely go for it to further boost my current weak physical form. I’m slowly beginning and understand what’s all those stress nonsense is about, up in my head, rather than wasting time to think what’s my damn problem which is causing all these unnecessary stress. It’s like this sudden surge of intelligence which struck up in my head, out of nowhere, I seem to be able to find answers for everything. Too bad it lasted only for a while. Now that I’m clear-headed on my whole situation, guess it’s time to think rationally and go release some stress from my pending pipeline.

I always felt that self-realization/self talk is the best way to solve problems for me, as I always feel that the one & ONLY person that actually understands and knows what you want are definitely NOT your beloved spouse, but yourself. Yes, yourself.

Ok, I’m beginning to feel sleepy and dizzy. Going over to bed now.

Next chapter up ahead the next day.

r e l a x

Silence.

Total silence at home.

Ahhhhh.

It's really been sometime since this feeling, this tranquil feeling of peace and quietness fall upon me. Total silence in the comfort of my own home.

As the rest of the family left for vacation and left me alone at home, I felt peaceful. Calm. Tranquil. And out of a sudden, all the unhappiness, sorrow, work related nonsense, crappy issues and all - disappear. Disappear, just like that. Well, just only for a brief moment, that is. But still, it's worth mentioning (although I clearly know that I kind of abandoned this quiet, little dark corner of my blog for sometime already).

In fact, the feeling of returning to a place I can really, really, really, really sit down, relax, turn off all electronic equipments I possess, disconnect myself from the outside hectic world filled with selfish bastards and irritating bitches, read a book I really and wanted to read since my last trip, and yes, still the same old word.

RELAX.

Truly relax, that is.

In order for me to reach this level of tranquility, there's no other place than the place I miss (and always), miss, and miss so much.

~~~~

Everytime when I hold my car's steering wheel, before I start my car to face the ugly, selfish, idiotic driving world of KL-lites.

Everytime when I hold the handles' of my motorbike, before I strive and fight my way through dangerous and hazardous dangers ahead with speedy drivers and deep potholes, in order to reach my destination in the shortest time.

Everytime when I'm stressed out at work, struggling and gaining self-pity in the process, wondering why do I deserve such punishment and unfair share of heavy workload as compared to other colleagues.

Everytime when I reach home, only to continue suffering from noise pollution and endless blabbering from my mom, boring speeches from my dad, and childish rants from my elder sister.

Everytime when I needed to get more rest, more sleep, more time to think and start planning ahead on what am I supposed to do, and where am I actually heading to.

Everytime when my faith towards our Creator drops below the negative level, since I didn't believe in any religion, I needed to regain my self-faith and trust towards my inner self.

Everytime when I yearn of soothing weather, friendly people, selfless and simple village folks who will never think of taking your advantage and greet your presence with a simple smile.

Everytime when I long to hear the sound of crashing sea waves, voices of laughter deep from the heart, sound of the motorboat's engine running, and getting my bare feet wet with salt water.

Everytime when I feel that I'm getting angry too quickly, I'm getting stressed out too easily, I'm getting tired too often, and most importantly, I'm getting further and further away from the real me.

.

..

....

I will think of you.

My dear Terengganu.

Time to start planning for my solo Terengganu trip this year.

I've yearn for this every year.

d e m o t i v a t e d

Right now, I'm severely demotivated.

Restless.

Unwell.

Sad.

Down.

Sick of everything around me.

And I really, really need to return to Terengganu. 

Alone.

Back to the place I once found tranquility.

Always.

When shall the time comes ?

f r u s t r a t i o n

[DISCLAIMER  :  This is posted out of extreme frustration and dissatisfaction. Kindly ignore this post.]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!! I NEED MORE CNY HOLIDAYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS......I DON'T WANT TO START WORK TODAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. FEELS LIKE SHIT TODAY..........ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ALSJKFHSDKJFHDIOFESDKHFRGJKDGJKLDFHBDFNMHKJDFGHKLGFGHDFJKGHGSDJ

SDLJFHSDKDFKJDFHGJGJGFHDJKHDFDFJKHGDFJKGHFJKGFSDKLFJSDJKFHSDJKFHSDK

SDKLFHSDJKFHSDJKFJKBGHJGFSDKFHSDFKLSDFKHGGJKFJKLHJFSDJKSHFJKSDHFJKSD

SDGFSDJGHJKDFLUIOERIOWEUIO89P3483458902340#$*SDLSDJKFHSDFHDSKKHJKSDF23(&#*(^r*)wR89ERUI89&@#^&*#^$*KGJFNSDNKLDFSDJGSDFJlFJKJH87923470*SDFSDFJHSDF(&@#*($&@_()_$()_#FUCKYOUOKH(_SKLDFJSDLJSSDFSUIFYUIWEYRUIWEREWRYIWEUREYW

DKLJFDSKLVNSDKLASKLDJSKLDJSALUERIOQWRWIOASMKJKSHFFKLJSDKEWRWEJKLURWEI

SDFHKJXFHGJKLHHJGWHJHJGASFHJKFUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKSDJKFHSDJKFHSD

SDFSDJFHSDJKFHSDJKFSDHKFJHDJKFHSDKJHDIUNGAHSINGGGGGGGGGSIFHSDJKFHSDJKF

DSFJKSDHFJKSDFHDSOFY786&^#$&*^#ASDYUAUIw(&(*&#*(&$#*($*(#&$(DFHSJKFSDKJ

](&^@)SDJKHFKSDFSHKFJSDGFSDILGASRJKLGHDRJKLGHDHDDFDSJKFYSDJKFYSDFDHKJ

GDFLHIGFDFGSDFJKSDJKSDHFSDJKFHSDJKFH897*(&#$*(&$*(&$*(KJHGSDKJFDFDSKJFH

SAGAHJJOSADGJKLSFHSKLFHSKLAFHJKSDLFHSDFJKDHFJKSDHFJKSDHFSDKJFHNKJSDF

DGHJGFASJKGFASJKGFJKLDFUCKINEEDMOREHOLIDAYSSSYSUIDYASIDASKDHSKHDASKAS

JKHJSDF&*^&*^#*$@)@$)$(*2312312/SD/,FSDFGFGFGFSFASDFGGFSJKAGFASDJKGFSDKAJLFHSKLFHASKLJHFASDJKLFHASDKLJFHSDJKLAFHASDJKLFHKFHKLASFHJKLASDHSJKASGHFJKASDJKJKLHDFJKSGHDUIO789347589987*()&*(&#$*(&*($&*(&$*(#&$*(&#$*(GJKSHGJKDFJKGHJKDFHGJH6&*(^*^&*e^r&*(^#$(&*yruiJKDGJKLSJGJGHDJKALFHIFHIASIODFYUDSAFASGFILSKGHSDFJKLGUH;IL;GRLHGJKSHADGKLHSEGUILEGYERUIGYERUIT78937489&*(&#$*(&$*#89GJKDGHDJKLGHKLGFGHLSDKLJHKDSHJKDFDJKHi&*(&(*&*()7FJKSDFHJKHFKJLSFHSDJKLFHSJKLF

Fingers crossed that today will be over REAL soon.

 

f i n a l l y

Finally.

Yes, finally, my "so-called-in-between-job-vacation" have come to its end. Start next Monday, I shall kick off this brand new year with a new job, or should I say, a career path I used to pass by 2 years back. The banking line . . . . ahhh, I'm finally back to the banking line. Many people believed that once you stick to the banking line for too long, you shall be with it for the rest of your life. Personally, I don't really believe what others say until me myself experience it, so let's just see what the new job have in store for me.

Till then, I shall keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.

Guess it's time for Lady Luck to work out.

c o o l d o w n

Happy New Year 2011 !

Ohhhh, the new year is finally here to remind me that time is ticking off fast, and like it or not, another 365 days from 2010 have just been wasted. What achievements have been accomplished? What is yet to be completed? What new resolution is up for this new year? Frankly speaking, I'm not a "resolution" kind of person. In fact, I hate them. Why is that? It's because I feel the more resolution I put ahead for myself, the more remorse and regretful I will get by the end of this year because I won't be able to get any of the resolutions up & accomplished. It's not that I'm thinking from the negative perspective or looking at things the wrong way, but that's the way it is. So much I said I hate planning for something, yet I still need to plan to get some things done. But definitely not for resolutions. Never ever.

And as I'm posting this up, I'm currently "hiding" away from civilization, far away from the cruel corporate, metal-filled metropolitan city of Kuala Lumpur. I'm currently on long leave at my maternal grandmother's place before starting off my new job. Well, let's just treat this "long leave" as a minor time gap between the last working day of my previous job and the first day of my upcoming new job. I tend to have this habit of leaving at least 3 weeks to 2 months' time for "cooldown period", a time frame I leave for myself, basically idling and doing nothing. Usually, I'll take the initiative to return to my maternal grandmother's place for around a week or so, to actually slow things running up my head. Well, like it or not, the busy and hectic life of the city is causing my blood pressure to slowly shoot up, my patience slowly losing off, my temper slowly killing off everyone around me, and most importantly, my urge for the annual return back to Terengganu was not materialized last year, which is why I desperately need a dose of small, country style living to actually balance off the amount of nonsense I've accumulated along the way living in this metal-city of KL.

In fact, everytime I return to this place I call my 2nd home (Terengganu is my 1st, KL is my 3rd), everyone I know around here (relatives & friends of my mom) tend to ask me the same old question - "Why does a city guy like you, love to come back to this kind of small town? This place does not have the same atmosphere as your city." Well, I don't actually blame them for asking this kind of question. In fact, if I were in their shoes, I would ask this question too. The answer is simple enough - because I wanted to cool down; slow down from all the hustles and tussles in the city. In fact, what I can say is after studying in Terengganu for 3 long years, it really affect my mentality and my perspective towards village-like, small town life. Last time, I used to think that staying in this kind of village-like environment are boring and hopeless. Now that I finally understand the logic behind it, I get it. This kind of peaceful, stress-free life is exactly the ingredient to make you a happier, and cheerful person. No more grumbling behind the Net-sphere like what I'm doing now, no more hot tempers, no more high blood pressure, no more bad health. It's all just slow and steady at this kind of place.

My aunty, who is running a small insurance agency at this place, asked me a very random question a few days ago. She asked whether I would be interested in the insurance field, as she's planning to handover her whole business here to me, if I'm really interested. I was speechless for a moment, and then I answered her in a gentle tone :

"Anything is possible. I will definitely let u know when the time comes."

Why that uncertain answer? For myself, I take that as a very certain, definite answer. Because I might take up the offer and live at this small town for the rest of my life. Who knows? My passion towards village-like life is deep; very deep indeed, but no one shall understand this fact besides myself. Let it be then.

As I'll be leaving this place tomorrow to return to the big city, I shall treasure and appreciate the past whole week I've spent at this place, reminiscing, looking back, and freeing myself from troubles' & headaches accumulated along the way.

Goodbye, my dear grandmother. I shall see you again later during Chinese New Year.