u n r e s t

As of the time of writing, my current location is at Gem Island, Terengganu. Date – 01/07/2012, time – 7.06pm. Delayed post due to no internet connection at this location.

Ahhhh...

One year have passed me by so quickly....and now I’m back on my 2012 version of solo Ultimate Trip back to my beloved “homeland”, Terengganu.

What have changed?

A lot has happened since my last year’s trip to Lang Tengah. I still remembered, when I was at Lang Tengah, my head isn’t as heavy & as tensed up as now. I’m definitely sure – it’s due to pressure from ALL ASPECTS. Be it at work, personal, life, everything.

Work ? My current status of work at the bank – well, let’s just say after the departure of my ex-team leader (whom I address her as H), my new & current team leader (let’s address her as W) is giving me lots of pressure & trouble in terms of work segregation, handling, & assigned tasks. In short, basically now she’s telling me that I’m under-performing or in more “direct” terms, I suck. Yes, I have to admit, I really suck at work nowadays ever since day 1 I’ve joined – coz there are basically no clear cut, no clear process, everything. Everything seems to be in a mess since the day I’ve joined, and what I’m currently doing now are various unrelated job tasks which has nothing to do with my initial job scope. And due to this, I’m lacking the confidence to actually multi-task & prioritize what is more important & essential to complete first. So what’s the current issue now? Loads of outstanding work to be completed – and I really mean it by LOADS. It’s really too much for me to handle until I have to keep back-logging, & back-logging, & back-logging. I know it’s a really screwed up thing to actually back-log something coz in the end, the back-logs will actually KILL me, but I really have no choice. Stuffs keep coming in & in, & before I can complete one task, comes another two task. And the pressure from W & non-stop daily calls from customer are not helping either. Sometimes I really wish I can complete everything in one go by doing OT/overtime up to late night e.g 10pm or 11pm, but wait, is it worth staying back to just complete a round of never-ending workload? I remembered previously someone from my previous bank told me that we will never able to complete our work regardless of how late we stayed up until, coz beginning the next working day, new work will come in again. Not to mention I have a forwarded email from a friend saying “Why I should not stay back after work to complete my tasks” and a whole lot of reasons on why I should not be wasting my time in the office, struggling to complete my outstanding tasks after office hours. And the best part? W sent me an email before I left for this vacation, saying that she’ll need to “discuss & plan” my upcoming work plan once I get back to work. Ok that sucks, I’m gonna go for a long vacation to enjoy myself & you bl**dy b**ch f**k are telling me nonsense like this? Scr*w this, I’m going for my vacation & shall not waste myself worrying too much about what you’ve said. But again, the stuff she said are still lingering in my head, hence the unrest feeling I’m getting now. Seriously, I really really need to buck up on work & start organizing/prioritizing my work stuffs properly, but I lack motivation. Lack confidence. Lack the “PUSH”. And I don’t wanna rely on that f**king fat @$$ lady boss W, to give me that “push” I needed. I guess I might have to get that push from somewhere, somehow, but . . . . well, let’s hope I shall get revitalized & motivated once I return to work from this current vacation. Case closed, now stop thinking about work & starting thinking about your dinner today!!

Personal? Another issue. The last few weeks was a torture to me due to this sudden “urge” of wanting to have a partner/girlfriend came to me again. Well, it’s not actually an “urge” (coz it sounds damn desperate & so wrong) but sometimes I’ll have this sudden lonely feeling hitting me. Sometimes I feel afraid to be lonely. Sometimes I really wanted to share my sorrow, my joy, my story to someone whom I trust, someone who is close, someone whom I believe, are able to share & give me his/her feedback on what is to be done, e.g my work issues, etc. Sometimes I really wanted to call someone, sometimes I really wanted to talk. But again, I guess it’s not easy to actually find someone who actually “clicks” and thinks the same way you do. Coz if you really found that person, congratulations, in other words you have actually found a potential (not confirmed – remember nothing is absolute in this world?) good friend. And who knows, if the good connection goes on & well, he/she will be your lifelong partner – ultimately your spouse, your other half? You’ll never know. And judging from my current situation, my current criteria, my current habits & attitude, I doubt ANYONE will notice me. Yes, anyone. It’s THAT bad. Seriously I have already lost faith on myself in terms of relationship ever since I broke up with L. It’s like the whole bl**dy world crumbled down when she left my life for the sake of her mom (please don’t ask me what happened between me & L again – it’s a tragedy & sad story to reminisce). And ever since, I’ve told myself to not love anymore, not to be hurt again, not to hurt another girl for the sake of finding ultimate happiness & joy in life. By saying this, it doesn’t mean that I hate & despise all my other friends who already have a partner (be it girlfriend/boyfriend, husband/wife, etc) in their life, it’s just I feel d*mn bad & sorry for myself. In fact, I actually feel really happy when one of my friends actually get married (minus the temporal sorrow of forging the “standard Chinese-wedding-entrance-fee-nonsense” money) coz I know they have found their life partner to share the rest of their lives together as one. Seriously, it’s not easy to find someone you love, someone who trusts you, someone who listens, someone to share whatever lies ahead for you – be it good or bad. Thus sometimes, I really really envy these people. Sometimes it’s not about the looks, e.g good looking people are nice people & vice versa, but it’s the inner heart that matters. I really envy those people who can just ignore looks & appearance to just find deeper inside their partner’s hearts to identify that, yes, this is the person I shall share the  rest of my life with. It’s not as easy as it seems. A wrong move will end up from as simple as a breakup to as serious as a divorce or worse still, a court case to settle a dispute-case divorce. As time flies & passes me by, as I’m getting more & more wedding invitations from fellow friends I’ve known all around, it began to struck me. Struck me just like that. That time is indeed flying & before I know it, I’m gonna hit the big 3 (in terms of age) soon & I’m still single. Not sad to say, but let’s just optimistically say I’m single & available. Negatively thinking, I’m assuming that I will be single for the rest of my life & I shall die alone by my death bed, not knowing who is my other half. But let’s just say, the sorrow shall be myself to bear, and not others to share. Yes I feel happy & will always send my best wishes to all my friends who have already attached/going to be attached soon, but again I shall feel sad & sorry for myself & my parents as I will not be able to fulfill their dream of actually seeing me in wedding groom clothing, finding my true love & like what other typical Chinese would say, “to continue the Chinese surname/generation”. I’m sorry, Kuai & Mamak Stall, I’ve failed you both. Seriously I don’t dare to tell this directly to you both coz I’m worried you all will be devastated & thinking I’m gay, but let’s just keep it here & then, I don’t choose to be single, I’m not desperate for a partner/girlfriend, I’m not gay & still straight, definitely!, yet I enjoy my solitude too long to actually feel heavy hearted to abandon “it”. Thus I shall be alone, shall be in solitude for a very very long time, and I sincerely hope that you respect my decision. Not only I shall doubt whether I will find a partner in the near future, but looking at my present attitude/habit problem, I doubt any girl/partner shall  be able to accept & take me for what I am. And mind you, I’m not actually saying this to indirectly promote myself as a very humble & honest man, but I’m just sharing what I have in my head for a very long, long time. In fact, I’m getting sick of people asking me why the h*ll do I return to Terengganu every year alone, when I have such a huge number of available friends to actually call along? The answer is simple enough – I highly respect my solitude, and I hope you do the same too.

Current time is 7.52pm, dinner time. I guess I took too much time on elaborating my work & personal issues, not to mention I haven’t start yakking on my life & misc issues. To be continued the next session.

Solitude, we are one. As always.