d i r e c t i o n

As I am currently browsing the Net here in a random cafe in Ipoh, I suddenly recall a piece of interesting article I read from my office's table calendar. As it is simply a truthful article, I did save it down in my email to actually let me reminiscence, from time to time, on where am I actually heading to. 

~~~~~

 Where are we heading ?

These days we have taller buildings,
but shorter tempers, wider freeways,
narrower viewpoints, spend more, but have less, buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses, smaller families,
more conveniences, less time,
more degrees, less sense,
more knowledge, less judgment,
more experts, but more problems,
more medicines, less wellness.

We drink too much, spend too recklessly,
laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry quickly,
stay up late, get up tired, read too little,
watch TV too much and pray too seldom.

We talk too much, love too seldom,
hate too often. We've learned how to make a living,
but not a life.
We've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.
We've conquered outer space, but not inner space.
We've done large things, but not better things.
We've cleaned the air, but polluted the soul.
We've split the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less.
We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, not wait.
We have higher incomes, lesser morals.

With computers, we have more information, but less communication.
We long for quantity, but are short on quality.
We have double incomes, but more divorces, fancier houses, but broken homes.
So where are we heading?
Perhaps, it's time to stop and reflect.

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So......where are WE actually heading to?

d e a d l o c k ---- p t 2

(This is a continuation from here.)

I'm currently posting this from the regular hotel I patron, everytime I drop by Ipoh. Not sure whether is it just me or what, it seems that the only time I can really sit down and write up something true and meaningful from my heart, are the times I step foot on either Terengganu or Ipoh. 

And....

Now that I'm back to Ipoh, here I am, writing yet another "truly yours" post.

It's been almost 3 months since I last posted something regarding this dilemma I'm facing career-wise. This....this deadlock I was facing at that time, carried on up to today and worse case, it has come up to a serious, severe level. Now, it's not only career wise; it now affects me financially, emotionally, physically and worse still, overall mentality.

Financially wise, I'm currently in the verge of financial instability due to the fact that I just got back from an overseas trip which costs me a fortune of easily a few thousand RM, pampered myself with an Apple iPod Touch 3rd Gen 32GB direct from the Apple Store online, and paid off all my credit card bills every single month to avoid any overdue credits. And now? Living purely on a single source of income posts great responsibility and one needs to be either really smart financially or thrifty overall to actually make full use of such low income. What's more, I'm currently on a very, very tight arrangement for the sake of my overall well-being while being slowly slaughtered every single month for a whole freaking year. Thank you, smart guy. You have just created a 1 full year period of debts, directly into my own, monthly credit card bill.

Emotionally, well, it's the same old story again and again. Between me & L, there's already no turning back. Or should I say, reunification. Because simply said, it's like fighting a losing war. A war between me and her mom, and I can say that her mom is already a winner since day 1 I started dating her daughter, well, without her knowledge that is. And after exchanging sms's on a regular interval, the facts further strengthen its truth. Without L, I can still survive. But without L's love, I'm merely living on a thin string, waiting for it to break any single time. And when love has abandoned me, I will lie alone in the Darkness until I die, until the day I breathe my last breath.......alone. Loneliness shall be my one and only true friend in these times of peril.

Physically, this might be good news but despite me getting thinner by day, the amount of accumulated stress via career and emotion-wise are not really helping to really reduce my already fat and bulky body. It's like a hard coconut shell without any fillings in it.

And here comes the major issue which causes the current deadlock.

Overall mentality.

My brains are currently at its peak of unstable mentality period, where any direct failure from any aspect here will cause me to become cuckoo and go nuts. Somehow, I feel that  everything I do are going towards the failed direction. Scr* w that stupid story where people keep telling you again, again and again, to keep your mind straight, positive and get something major done ! It's like negativity has taken over me all again......and with this kind of mentality, nothing will EVER go right. Not even a simple issue of buying something or going to the toilet. But.....

I can't help myself.

The feeling just stays there to torture and torment me.

OMG.

And if you could excuse me now, I'm off to bed very early now to stop myself from thinking too much.

The pain is here. Always.