m i x e d

Next weekend, my first love-of-my-life will enter another stage of her life.

.

..

...

She's getting married.

And now that I have both the wedding invitation card and marriage biscuits on my hands, I have this weird, mixed feeling. This unexplainable, weird, mixed feeling of joy, sorrow, confusion, and anger. My first love . . . . . let's just address her as C. 

I'm happy - because C has finally found her true love and getting married is just the beginning to a brand new phase of life with her chosen life partner. I congratulate her; I feel happy for her; I am surprised that she actually took the initiative to invite me to her dinner, and even gave me wedding biscuits (in which are usually given to close relatives rather than friends).

I'm sad - because well, explainable. This small feeling of sorrow deep inside, knowing that the first girl you've ever loved so much in the past will be leaving her hands, and future, to another lucky man whom I don't even know his name until I looked on the invitation card.

I'm confused - because of my current feelings. Should I not feel this way, to the first, ever girl I've loved ? Should I just forget about C, and even L, & get on with this cruel life ? I don't know, I really don't know what am I actually thinking right now. Reminiscing about your first love and not your recent, previous love is really something awkward. And now that this feeling is looming deep inside, I felt a slight sense of . . . . . regret.

I'm furious - because yes, I hate myself for not taking the extra mile to actually keep her by my side during that time. Might not be my fault entirely, but still, this guilt haunts me for almost a decade already. In fact, it's been almost a decade already since I first fall in a love with someone from the opposite sex, or should I say, Miss C.

Blend all of these feelings together, and what I get as a result is a mixed feeling. A mixed, unknown feeling deep inside, telling myself to stop giving unnecessary pressure to myself, or else I'll go nuts in no time.

But still, I feel grateful, for she still treats me as a close friend (she only invited 6 friends to her wedding dinner from the batch of friends I've known, including myself), and she didn't forget me at all despite the long period of time we've never met, maybe a year ago? Yes, I'm grateful, I'm grateful.

Maybe it's time to actually leave all these feelings behind. Maybe it's time to actually leave my heavy, emotional heart at bay. Maybe it's time to actually be really, really nice, and congratulate her from the bottom of my heart.

Or maybe it's time to . . . . . . .

Wake up.

Reality is yet another cruel fact.

c r o s s r o a d s

A month ago, I shared something interesting here in my blog, regarding the reminiscence of where are we actually heading to; the exact direction which one should follow.

And just yesterday, I was "shot" deep inside my heart when someone at work told me something really, really unpleasant but too bad to be true. No lies, all facts. And this made me rethink about my current direction, in which I'm following all these while. Apparently, only now and exclusively now itself, I hate to say this but somehow it feels like I'm back to square one now. Back to the same old crossroad I've been 3 years ago when I just graduated from my university.

Frankly speaking, to cut a long story short, I'm lost. Again. Now that I'm back to this familiar crossroad, I can't stop myself from re-thinking the path I've taken 3 years ago. Or wait, should I say, the "wrong" path I took after my Form 5/SPM, in which I immediately went up to Form 6/STPM after both my parents' refusal to let me into 'A' Levels. . . which could change my life FOREVER. In other words, this wrong turn should track way back before I even step into this cruel, horrible corporate "dog-eats-cat" world. 

Arghhhh.

No use crying over spilled milk. 

The whole long winded story could be summarized to a simple flow diagram.

Free training available from Company  --> tried to get approval for training from big boss --> big boss refused with tons of excuses and justification --> big boss explains on my overall job performance and main reason why was I sent back from Bangla to Malaysia --> big boss re-stress his point to refuse my application for training  --> I became excessively emotional deep inside and that just screwed up my whole day, or should I say, for the next few weeks ?

And yes, apparently there is a reason on why was I sent back from Bangla to Malaysia in the 1st place. In fact, they simply replaced me with another person from my department without telling me this reason..... and I was just kept in the dark all the way, all the way until yesterday. And to receive this kind of humiliation without knowing what's going on or any details whatsoever from anyone, is definitely the highest insult.

My colleague, who was at the scene when my big boss told me off, informed me to go back and think deeply for yourself, whether are you aware of the current direction you're heading to? In other words, it simply means what type of work do you like to do?

Good question.

Deep confusion.

Excessive emotional response.

As I'm currently under direct stress and emotional breakdown, now I'm worried that this negative phenomenon might affect my final decision on where do I actually want to head to, career-wise.

Time to go back and think......real hard.