p h o n e

Ohh gosh.


After barely 2 weeks when this terrible incident happened to me, now another misfortune hits me before I can even recover completely from the pain I've been through.


Yes.


I lost my phone.

Actually I don't really lose too much if I merely lose an ordinary phone. But this....this phone of mine have served me for almost 2 and a half years. And it have been through all the joy and pain in my life, especially when the joy was at its peak....when everything seems to be so perfect with L by my side. The joy when I graduated from university. The joy when we still kept in touch, deeply in love despite the distance that separated us. The lovely communication I kept with my friends. The friend who will always be by my side to keep me connected to the world.

And now....

In a brink of eye.....it's gone.

All gone.

And what's left is the memory of me, holding my dear, red Sony Ericsson Z530i in my hands.

It's such a pain to see you go, but from another angle, I guess it's time for me to bid farewell to a friend who have accompanied me through the thick and thin of life....for the past 2 and a half years.

Rest in peace, my friend. You will never be forgotten......same goes to you, my dear CJ 905. I will always remember both 25th and 30th December, the days when both of you, my faithful friends, left me for Sanctuary.

For now....

I guess I'll need to re-organize my phone contact's backup from my PC. For those who know me & are reading this right now, please do sms / email me your phone number ASAP. Fyi I'll still be using my old Maxis number, as I just got the replacement SIM from Maxis.

Thank you, guys.

And not forgetting you, Mr Z530i.

s u d d e n

It all happened so........so sudden.

1 long month since I last posted something here. Pardon me for the lack of updates due to a really sudden incident which happened end of last month.....23rd November to be exact. An incident which changed the remainder course of my life....and I'm really serious with what I've promised myself. I......I should have seen it coming earlier, it's just ignorance clouded my thoughts, insecurity failed my vision. I'm doomed.

And the only way I've thought to make myself forget about this terrible incident is to make myself busy. Busy with work. Working for 10+ hours per day. Trying hard to overcome myself with fatigue after work & loading up with work stress.

But still....

.

..

....

It all comes back to me in the end.

Ohhh my inner soul, please help me.

Sorrow never tend to cease at its peak.

w o r k

It's Friday.


Officially a full week since I started my new job this Monday.


What's the status, you ask ? Well, simple answer it is.


We'll see, we'll see. Moreover, it's just too early to judge the book by its cover. As time goes by, I will slowly unmask the overall big picture of this organisation I'm working for.


Patience is the key.

d a w n

Tomorrow. 2nd November 2009.

Come tomorrow, it shall be a new dawn for me, career wise. And I'll definitely need all the luck, courage, encouragement , love, & what-so-ever important stuffs needed for me to get through everything...& not just the 1st day tomorrow.

Ohhh I need strength.

b a d

1 week.

It's coming to 1 week sharp since I last left my ex-company. Was tied up with settling off matters related to my new job for the past few days, & also a 2 days' visit to Ipoh to visit my dear L.

And...

Today's my birthday too.

Yet....

I feel so bad. Really bad.

Yes, you might tell me that I just returned from Ipoh, meeting up with L must be good, everything's nice & lovely, you get to bring your girlfriend around for a walk in 2 days. Well, that's exactly what I've thought when I was driving on my way to Ipoh to see her.

But when I finally see her...

She acts like a totally different person as before.

How different, you ask ? The way she treats me last week when I saw her....is the exact way when this happened previously. So......cold. Heartless. Soulless. No thoughts of grabbing or holding my hands. No more sweet talks. It's as if I'm going on a simple outing with a mere friend rather than dating with my girlfriend. Sounds pathetic, yes, but it's simply too much for me to take. Seriously, I would prefer her to just tell me straight to the face what the heck is happening, rather than staring at me with that blank, cold look of hers, & not saying anything. And when I have the guts to go ask her what's wrong, she simply answers "Nothing....nothing".

If you're good & there's nothing going wrong, then what's with that sudden attitude change ?

Even weather has its forecast for the day. Yes, I do understand that mood swings at times, but at least, please, please let me know what's going on rather then leaving me in the blank world, staring at a soulless body who looks as if she's accompanying me around, rather than I accompanying her around. L, you know me, I'm not a very deep person, not a deep thinker either. I'm a straight forward person, straight to the point, no twists & turns. Seriously, I don't really like the way most typical Chinese people act; they just love to make one bl**dy big U-turn to tell you something which will obviously hurt your feelings badly. Why don't they just tell it straight to the face of that person, rather than emotionally torturing the person with endless guesses & cold looks ?

And that's not all.

Regardless of her non-understandable actions when I see her physically, during our usual way of communication via sms, she still "speaks" the exact same way as before. Yes, sweet words & talks, words which will make us smile for a brief moment, lovely feeling when receiving an sms. And now the main question comes into the picture : What is she thinking actually? In the worst case scenario, history such as this will repeat itself to torment my birthday with even more endless thoughts & guesses.

Arghh.

I'm not thinking bout this anymore for today. Today's my birthday, and I wanna leave it in peace & joy, although temporal, but it only comes once a year. Ohhh, and she was the 1st person to wish me Happy Birthday for today.

Happy Birthday, oh Silent One.

L, please share with me what happened from the bottom of your heart. I'm waiting.

d e m o r a l i z e d

In case you're wondering, yes. This post is the continuation of this, in which I mentioned that I was severely demotivated.

Worse still....

It has come to a "critical" stage when I feel totally demoralized.

Seriously, I feel like a zombie lying around the office, rotting & rotting, waiting helplessly for his last day of service to arrive & save his soul. It's such a torture, having time to crawl slowly by, looking around an almost empty office. Yes, even at times, I can be seen prying around the office windows, wondering when can I finally achieve the dream career I've longed & everlasting freedom I've desired.

Since the day I've submitted my resignation letter for my current job, several of my other colleagues' followed my footsteps. Ermm ok, resigning from your current job somehow doesn't fancy a trend or something, but it do feels kind of weird having a bunch of people tendering their resignation on the same timing as yours. What's more, most of them have such a shorter notice period than me !! (due to the fact that they're not confirmed staff yet, they are merely entitled to a 2 weeks' notice instead of a lengthy, ridiculously 3 months' notice !)

To me, having people to leave the company isn't any big deal. It merely proves that either that specific staff or the management has some serious issues. But having a bunch of people who leave the company in such a short period of time before my own last day of service arrives......ARGHHHH !!!!

Ohhh yes, it's THAT bad.

It feels like having a bunch of id**t skinny guys munching juicy, delicious-looking burgers while looking, pointing & laughing at me, who coincidentally was on diet during that very time. Sometimes you just feel like going straight to these id**ts, grab a nice looking baseball bat, & wh**p their heads up the sky (sorry for the violence).

Nevertheless, what has happened will happen eventually, so there's no stopping that. Today, I witness one of my closest colleagues in work, leaving the office after serving his last day of service. Even as he is leaving, I can feel the joyful & spiritually happy mood that he possess when he step his foot out of the office. It's as if he was in heaven or something. Well, in heaven doesn't mean that he's dead, it simply shows that he is just too happy; not even words could explain how he felt today.

And come tomorrow, another one will leave the office......in that exact similar mood, I suppose.

Now I wonder when will my turn FINALLY arrive.

Ohhh time, please do not be so cruel.

l u c k

An accident which nearly cost my life....


A lost immobilizer card for my car which is definitely not cheap....


A severely damaged motorbike due to the accident....


A lost watch which was noticed out of the blue...


A faulty PC which didn't startup well due to a faulty hard disk...


Now tell me, why is luck not on my side ?


What is happening to me ?

h e l m e t

My helmet's visor broke off.....poor chap.

This post is specially dedicated to my motorbike's helmet. Yes, it's an ordinary motorbike's helmet, nothing fancy; no more, no less. Today, on this rainy day,


It saved my life.


Oh yes, u read that right. If it was not for him, most probably my head will break, bleed like no one’s business & I won’t even have the chance to blog about this incident now. Or wait, I should rephase this as THE ACCIDENT.

Do take a look at my motorbike’s current condition.

My dear motorbike……severely damaged due to the accident.

Another view of my motorbike….yes it’s THAT bad.

Yes, I got involved in an accident. With my motorbike. On a rainy day. And it just happened early afternoon today. Thank God I’m still in 1 piece, no severe damage to myself except for a strained pelvic backbone & some cuts here & there. The main reason I’m blogging about this right now instead of going to the clinic or hospital for a checkup, so that I can still explain in detail what happened back there throughout the whole accident.


Here goes….


I just finished having lunch with my work colleagues at SS2, & was heading back home on my motorbike. After passing through the Section 14 interjunction, it began raining heavily. Although I have a raincoat with me inside my motorbike’s seat, I was too lazy to use it as it’s close to home already. As it was raining heavily & I’m with no raincoat, I began to lower my speed & started “rolling” slowly. When I pass by a junction, a STUPID ID**T MOTHER F**KER MPV ( please pardon my language, this is just unavoidable ! ) rushed out of the junction as if it’s his father’s road & overtook my lane without any signal lights & going on high speed. When I began to notice the danger ahead, I quickly hit all my brakes with all the b*lls I have or else I’ll become some wet sandwich between motorbike & some id**t MPV.


*screeeehhhhhhhhhhhhh* BLAM !!!


Oh my God. The next thing I know, I got a brief blackout, looking up the skies, & lying down on the road. As I was slowly recovering my sight & my steps, I saw the MPV speeding off quickly & dissappeared from my sight. And I was left lying there, with all the dizziness & headache, & my backbone hurts so bad. Luckily during that time, there was this off-duty policeman who just happen to ride his motorbike & witnessed the accident. This good hearted man helped me up, lifted my severely damaged motorbike to the side of the street, & temporarily directed the current traffic. As I was slowly recovering my senses to realise what really happened in that brink of second, the guy came over & asked me “Dik, you ok tak?” (in Bahasa Malaysia, it means “Brother, are you ok?”) As I was already standing & doing fine, I told him I’m ok & manage to get home by myself as I live nearby. After that, the guy left with his motorbike & traffic resumes as usual.


Now here comes the best part.


How the heck am I suppose to get back home with all these damage?


Good question. And with my severely damaged motorbike, it still manage to operate as usual ! Well, despite the broken covers & damaged circuits. And with that, I rode my damaged motorbike back home, while drawing much attention from the crowd everywhere. After that, yes, I manage to get home safely. Then, continue with my daily tasks for the day up to now. And now….posting this up on my blog before I lose my senses.


Ok, I’m done posting. Now, off to the hospital for a brief checkup for any internal bleeding, as my head still experiencing that disturbing dizziness since that accident.


Wish me good luck, friends.


Latest update (as at 11:46pm, 20-09-09) :
Just got back from the hospital, did a body checkup & brain scan for any internal bleeding, so far no major damage anywhere. Will need to return to hospital for follow-up next Wednesday. Gosh !

d e m o t i v a t i o n

I'm so demotivated.


Is it because of the reconciliation with L ? No, that will definitely not demotivate me, instead it motivates me to perform my daily tasks more efficiently, be it for work, leisure or anything else.

So, what is bothering me?


.


..


....


This exact question have been pondering up my head for several weeks already. Or maybe it was there all the while but I just didn't notice it due to my full concentration & focus towards my relationship status with L, which took a full turn during the past 2 months.


I was guessing it has to be something to do with my current job. My current job? For your information, yes, I did it. I submitted my resignation letter at the end of July, & currently serving my 3 months resignation notice period. The reason? Mainly because of this, & also because I have finally understand that getting stuck in an unproductive working environment & crappy job scope will not get me anywhere. Yes, you are so right, Grace. And if you have noticed, 3 months resignation notice period is ridiculously LONG. And serving such a long notice period in a place & job you don't fancy is such a torture.


Yes.


I think this IS the main reason I'm so demotivated & restless.


As I'm still pending reply from my current company's Human Resource Department for my official last working day, here I am, clearing off the remaining work days as I slowly tick off the calendar on my work desk, wondering how my new job will be, what will I expect from there, how will I interact with my new colleagues over there.


Time passes by slowly when you are monitoring it, & speeds off unexpectedly when you least notice it.


Wish me luck, friends.

w a r m t h

File picture of the past, showing a kite flying across Teluk Ketapang beach, Terengganu. Kite flown by both me & L.

Date : 22/08/09 (Saturday)

Time : 12pm - 6pm

Location : Ipoh, Perak

Occurrence : Warmth, random, unification

Short description :
- Initially plan was to merely visit my ex-girlfriend, L, & see how is she doing over there. But after I met up with her, took a ride to a nearby shopping mall, she.....


.

..

...

Grabbed my hand.

And never let go.


As I was slowly recovering from a sudden state of shock due to her action, at that exact same moment....

I felt....


Warmth.


Thank you for the love, L.


Is this a good sign....or ?

f a i l u r e

Failure.


I failed.


I failed to totally forget about L, my ex-girlfriend. Her face....her voice....her attitude still lingers around my head, playing around with my conscious mind. It's as if she never left me. It's as if she's still my lovely girlfriend. It's the same exact feeling I've felt 3 years ago when we started off our relationship.


Yes, I do understand I have several good friends who constantly gave me lots & lots of support, encouragement & words of wisdom for me to live on. To move on with life. To move on with the challenges up ahead. To strive forward & not looking back at the disaster & sorrow.


However....


It isn't an easy task after all.


Despite me keeping myself busy with tons of activities organised by both my work colleagues & old friends, I still have the "weight" hovering up my head & heart. It's this strong, love feeling I still feel towards L.....in which until today, I still hope so dearly that she felt the same way too. I know in the 1st place, she didn't want to initiate this break up at all....it's just.....she just ran out of patience. Patience to wait for the day when we can finally reveal our relationship openly to every single person we've known, especially her parents. I know.....L, I know you didn't want to lie to your parents anymore regarding our relationship. I know too that your mother is the closest person in your heart, & I'm simply nobody as compared to her. But I just want you to know....


I miss you.


I still think of you every single day.


I still hold on tight to my phone every day at night, thinking so hard whether to sms you or not.


I still cry whenever I see our pictures taken together in the past, in my PC.


I still use the wallet you gave me 2 years ago during my birthday, despite the already worn off condition.


And....


.

..

....


I still love you.


Seriously speaking, I didn't want to be so emotional in my blog, but this is just what I truly feel now. This feeling is unavoidable; whenever I think of you, I begin to cry. And up to now, I'm still thinking of suitable & appropiate words to use whenever I start typing my sms to you. I'm worried that I might use the wrong words to speak to someone I really, really love so dearly but cannot be together at the moment. L, I really want to come up to Ipoh again & see you again, check up your current condition, but with our current status as ordinary friends, I'm worried I can't take the pain & most probably I'll end up like that day when you initiated this break-up; I have to hold on to my tears & speak to you as if nothing happens. Such feeling is total suffering & my already fragile heart can't take anymore emotional damage or else it will affect other aspects of my life.


Until then....


I guess I just have to bear with this severe pain in silence.


I see you, my friends. Thanks for the constant encouragement.

b e g i n n i n g

It's been several days since I got back from my trip back to Terengganu, and here I am, back home in PJ with the reality "bell" ringing hard on my head.

And..

.


..


....


A new beginning is here.


Despite my current health condition getting worse with the bad weather & haze going around the city, I've found myself a new job. I've just accepted a job offer from an established IT firm in Technology Park, and this upcoming job I'll be taking will be challenging, as it's a totally new kind of job as compared to my previous ones. And....I've already submitted my resignation letter to my current company yesterday. My boss got kind of a shock after receiving my letter, & he went on to even counter-offer me if I'm still interested in my current job.


Well, Mr Boss, if you were to keep me staying here, it's not just about money & salary increment. It's about the job specifications that you've assigned to me. Since day one, I have already told you that I don't like what I'm doing & I need (really need!) a job role change. Instead of listening & giving feedback on this matter, you kept delaying & avoiding this issue up to yesterday, after I submitted my resignation letter, only to tell me you want to counter-offer me with the same bl**dy job role & a tiny, weenie salary increment?


Think again.


What's for sure, this new & upcoming job of mine will definitely pose a new challenge towards my career path. It's definitely something new to learn & catch up, unlike my current "repetitive & unproductive" job.


Regarding matters from the heart, it seems like my heart is beginning to accept reality & the fact that L is no longer with me. The sorrow & pain from the heart began to decrease as day passes by. Maybe it's because of this upcoming new job issue which is indirectly "healing" this wound. Or is it because....I have already lost hope on our relationship?


No.....never. I will never, ever let go of our relationship, even if it's you who initiated it in the first place. I will never blame you for breaking my heart.


I just want you to know that....despite the silence of me not messaging or keeping in touch with you anymore (I just don't want to remind myself of our current situation).......


I still love you, L. And I'm still waiting for you.


The heart continues to heal...yet the wait for love will be everlasting.

r e m i n i s c e n c e - p a r t 2

(This is another delayed post. Originally posted on 08:49PM, 13/07/09 Monday)


I have already reached the island of Kapas by the time I'm writing this post. It's already coming to the end of my 2nd day staying here, & will be back at the mainland tomorrow noon.


Initially I've thought that time flies so much faster when I'm back in PJ, but the exact same thing happens here in Kapas Island as well. Time flies the same speed here, & before I realise it, it's already day 2 of my island trip. Well, it's a good thing too since as far as I'm here, everything here kind of suck. Yes, you read that right. SUCK. The chalet room here sucks bad, there's no hot shower in here, room service are inefficient, food sucks real bad, & overall layout is kind of worn out. The only thing that deserves compliment are the polite & friendly staff, & most importantly....the beach.


Ahh, who can forget the beach & the sea?


Seaside, I really don't know how to thank you well enough for accompanying me this whole afternoon. "You" heard all my whines about work, life, lost love, confusion & also felt my tears as well. "You" never cease to be bored of what I'm telling "you"...instead you comforted me with your gentle waves & fine sands. When "you" listened about me saying that I have reached crossroads at my career & currently wasting my youth & time at a place where I don't learn & advance, "you" beamed with anger by showing me your rough waves. When "you" listened & see me crying for a love lost after deep affection for 3 long years, "you" comforted me with gentle waves & soft winds. It's as if "you" are really listening to what I'm saying. "You" are so much different from my other friends, or should I say, most of my friends. Most of them would just say the same old thing again, again & again. Time will heal, time will heal, let time cure your pain. Words are so easily said than done. Some of them just come to me, gave me a pat at the back, & tell the same old stuffs again. Yes, I do understand their intentions to make me feel better, but what I really, really need is someone who truly listens what I wanna say, leave me to cry my heart out, doesn't object or disagree what I'm saying although it might interfere with their thought (I'm not being possessive or dictative; these are simply matters from the heart & there are no right or wrong), & most importantly, understand what I truly want in the future. This might sound impossible to fulfill but yes, I have finally found "you". Come to think of it, travelling 500km from KL to here, looking for "you" isn't such a wasted effort after all. Ignore those people who keep telling me "what the heck am I going to an island alone?" or thinks that I'm some psychotic id*ot who is anti-social & doesn't mix with other people on trips.


For my career path, I have decided not to continue doing what I'm currently doing, stop wasting my time & youth at this place & move on to another better opportunity. Ironically, when I was talking to "you" about my career today, the company which I went for interview last week, called me up & offered me the position I've applied with a salary increment of about 30%. The coincidence is unexplainable, but indeed lovely & timely. After much consideration, I've agreed to the offer & called them back to confirm my start date.


From relationship wise & matters from the heart.....


.


..


...


It's not healed at all.


Tears continue to roll, sorrow continues to be felt, life have to "forcibly" move on for the sake of the upcoming new career path.


I still miss you, L.

r e m i n i s c e n c e - p a r t 1

(This is a delayed post, originally posted on 10:42AM, 12/07/09 Sunday)


As I'm writing this post, I have just reach Marang, Terengganu. The place to get a boat over to Pulau Kapas, which is the island I'll be hanging out for the next 3 days to find peace & tranquility for my torn, exhausted & broken heart.


While I was driving along the way here to Terengganu, I began to feel something familiar. Something I've never, ever, felt back in PJ. It's this....this feeling of returning home to a place I once loved & fancy, especially the exceptional peace, silence & slow paced life of the people here. Although I have to admit that following an uncle who drives 50 km/h for almost 10km is kind of frustrating, but deep within, I can feel that people here are not rushing. Not rushing like what PJ/KL residents feel daily, regardless of whether it's a working weekday or a "supposed-to-be-relaxing" weekend. Not even bothered to think of other materialistic, ugly matters which may rear its head due to the hectic & fast-paced modern lifestyle. It's all just....just so slow, simple & beautiful here. Although the overall outlook & technology advancement is far behind what I've seen back in PJ (you can still see wooden buildings, cows & goats everywhere here!), but what I love most about this place is its surroundings & the fantastic feel whenever I step onto this land of the east coast.


And not forgetting....


This is also the place where IT all started.


The place where me & L began our beautiful, yet "restrictive" relationship.


Reminding myself about this situation makes me wanna cry again. Tears will never fail to roll out of my cheeks whenever I think about this....this tragedy that bestruck me without any notice. Nevertheless, I have to remember, I'm now sitting in a random coffeeshop in Marang, surrounding by strangers, & I will not further humiliate myself by crying in front of public ! Be strong, LYJ, I know you can totally forget about her & do like what dai kah cher told you, move on.


But...


Is it possible to move on?


Is it possible to let myself totally forget someone whom I loved so, so deeply since we started off our relationship 3 years ago? What's more, trying to forget someone you love in the place where we started building this wonderful relationship? The place where most fond & beautiful memories linger. The place where we both finish up our final year projects together. The place where we graduated with our Bachelors' Degree together. The place when I first hold her hands tight. The place I get to hold her close in my arms without much worries of bumping onto her restrictive parents.


And now it's all over in a flash before I even start wondering what or where did I went wrong.


Or is it that something we both missed out?


Arghhh, now is not the time to think about this. I should be concentrating to enjoy this "ultimate" vacation of mine which I've planned since the beginning of this year. I should be taking my own sweet time to enjoy this annual vacation back to Terengganu & not reminding myself of this tragical moment. Not to erase all my sweet & wonderful memories between me & her. What's more, this is suppose to be a HAPPY vacation, not a SORROWFUL one. My dear juniors are graduating from university & I should be happy for them. Gosh, what am I thinking?


My friends, I am really, really unsure whether I can forget about her & move on. Words can be easily expressed out, but it's the action which is difficult to initiate. Many friends told me that time will heal the wound, time will heal the wound....but it's simply too deep for time to heal it. No doubt, time flies, time heals, but will it manage to heal mine?


I doubt so.


Enough for now. Will be uploading this once I get a place to online. Till then, I'll just let emotions overcome me.


Off to the jetty now.


Latest update (06:39PM, 12/07/09) - I've finally found a place to go online....& it's in the island itself! Wireless connection available at the lobby.....ok. What an unexpected place to go online....

The sorrow & despair continues....

d r e a m

As I'm writing this post, I just woke up from a dream.


A beautiful, lovely dream of me & L back together, holding each other's hand tightly. Feeling her warmth all around me. Hugging her as if she is a giant, life-size plush toy. And a single sentence from her lips which feels like the ultimate "cure" for all the grief, sorrow & despair I've been through for the past 1 week.

She said....


"I still love you."


However...


It's still all a dream, & once my eyes feel light from the windows, I know it's back to cruel & torturing reality.


Now I'm awake, writing this post in front of my PC before leaving back to Terengganu in a while more; returning to the place of my ex-university, the place I miss the most, & most significantly, the place where we started off our wonderful, yet controversial relationship. Will be driving all the way there this time. No more buses & hassle flights. All alone. All by myself. Yes, as always, I'll be going for this trip all alone. And I love the feeling.


Initially this was supposed to be a happy & joyful trip back to Terengganu to attend my university junior's convocation on the 15th & 16th, but somehow after this unexpected "incident", it all changed to become a healing, self-realization, "getting away with all the sorrow & despair I've been through after a short week of torturing reality's" trip. I do wonder, will this "so-called-ultimate-trip" of mine, in which I've planned since a few months back, fail due to my current unstable mood? Will I ever, ever succeed in forgetting about her & move on with life, while visiting all the places we've been together during our past university days? Will I able to hold my tears from not rolling down when I pass by her ex-rented house which is conveniently situated 2 houses away from my ex-rented house?


I don't know. I really, really don't know.


What's for sure, I'll be leaving in a while, & will return with an update once I find a place with a wireless connection.


Yes, I see all of you, my dear faithful friends. Thanks for the constant encouragement & support towards my current situation. I love all of you.....

o v e r

Over.


It's over.


After 3 years & 3 months, it's over today.


I'm......I'm speechless. I should have seen this coming.


This is simply too much for me to take...I'll let regret, tears & alcohol to consume me.
Until then...


This sorrow & despair will haunt me forever. And it will never, ever, heal.

a l o n e

I was born to this world....alone.

I started off my life....alone.

I walked into kindergarden....alone.

I played with my toys....alone.

I entered adolescence....alone.

I went into Form 6....alone.

I stepped into university....alone.

I struggle through cruel worklife....alone.

I cried my way off an unsolvable relationship....alone.

I live the rest of my life....alone.

And...

I will leave this cruel & sad world....alone.


Ohhh......."me". "We" have been together since the day I was born....thanks for being there all these while.


No one will understand my sorrow & loneliness.

d i s t a n c e

As I'm writing this post, I'm currently in a hotel room in Ipoh. As usual, I'm here to see my girlfriend, L.


However...


Today is much more different than before. And it really, really HURT me very deeply.

As I came to Ipoh today with the intention to stay overnight for a night until tomorrow (Sunday) just to see her for another day, it seems my effort had gone on waste due to the fact that she can't come out tomorrow due to "too much work & need to stay back home to complete". Well,nothing much I can say about her work as I do understand the dateline to complete her work will be end of next week. This is not what hurts me the most anyway.


What hurts the most today? I think I'll just cut the long story short with a simple summary.


No more sweet words from her mouth...

No more holding my hands tight...

No more hugging as before...

No more words from the heart...


Yes, it is THAT bad.

I can feel a distance appearing in between both of us. It never, ever, happen before to us, but
today, I can feel it. Feel the distance drifting both of us apart. After being together for 3 years & ongoing, we're now drifting apart with a distance? The distance just came out of the blue without me noticing it. Did I do or say anything wrong that might have offended her? Did her mum came to her & explain her SICK theory to brainwash her & seperate both of us? Did she found a better guy than myself? Worse come to worse...my greatest fear...


Did she gave up on me?



L, please, please don't be so cruel. Yes, I still remember the day you've "tried" to initiate a break-up on our relationship early last year, but it failed in the end due to the fact that we both still love each other so deeply. We had strive through the thick & thin of life, struggled through our final days with projects in university, hid our relationship well enough from the knowledge of both your restrictive parents all the while, love each other so deeply regardless of the physical distance between both of us, & most importantly, hold on & trust this relationship all the way through. This is a blessed promise between both of us; so please, please don't do anything to ruin it.


You know what? Just now while we were walking in Ipoh Parade, we were not holding hands like before. Not holding hands as a couple as you've mentioned that you are worried you might bump into someone you know. Seriously speaking, yes, no big deal about not holding hands. We're old & matured enough not to hold hands like some secondary school kids in love. Also, in case you didn't notice, the topics we've chatted all the way today were merely things you say to your ordinary friends e.g the clothes look good, look at the performance at the stage, there's no parking space in the mall, the watch is nice, etc. Not issues from the heart like what we used to chat. I'm not trying to say "Hey, let's be emotional & start off with issues which can make us cry" or things like that, but I just want to know what's the cause of the distance that is beginning to divide us, just in case you didn't notice. I've tried to ask you directly just now on what's wrong with us, but it seems like you didn't want to explain in further detail. All I can see from your face today is blank. Yes, blank. A blank, unsatisfied, troubled look. If you have something bad or serious you want to talk to me, please go ahead. Tell you something. Do you know all the while when I was walking with you just now at Parade, I feel we both look more like ordinary friends than a couple? And the feeling really, really suck THAT bad until I have to hold off my tears or else I'm going to break off crying like a baby in a public place like that. Why do I cry, you ask? How do you feel when the person you loved the most, even deeper than the love for his parents, walk side by side with you with a blank face like that, doesn't allow you to hold hands, doesn't react anymore to sweet talks or even matters from the heart, doesn't think twice about meeting him for a longer time due to the fact that he comes only fortnightly & all he wants is just a few more hours to be with his beloved girlfriend? And after both of us have done & suffered so much due to one simple restrictive order from your mum, now you stare at my face with a blank, cold look like that? How could you? I'm so, so hurt & torn apart today. Oh my God, now I'm crying. Gosh, a guy like me, crying in front of the laptop. This is so ugly, I just don't want to look at the mirror.


Arghhh, it's so hard to type with all the tears flowing down my cheek. Gonna stop writing this for now, too emotional to continue...


Time, please cure my wound. Or at least, tell me today is just a dream.

t r u t h - 2

I'm hurt.


Not only hurt physically (I've actually strained my left hand & now typing in pain), but also hurt emotionally.


All the while, I always believe that being frank & telling the truth straight at other people's face when you don't like a person makes you a more respectable & truthful person.


I am so, so wrong.


These 2 weeks, I've faced several face-offs' with some of my colleagues (they came & talked to me personally & told me something real ugly....& when I say ugly, it's really THAT ugly). And after listening to those ugly things, I feel like sh*t. Seriously. The last time I felt like this was when I know I have to go to local university instead of my expected university which majors in another field I'm more interested in.


Well, the few colleagues who came & told me off........it's not really their fault. Really. They're just being frank & straight forward. They're just following the concept I've mentioned earlier bout telling people straight at the face that they don't like me. No big deal. Relationship between humans is one complicated matter, and up to this very day, I still do not understand this matter. Yes, I have to admit, I'm not a perfect person. I have many bad habits which tend to irritate people, I easily offend other people, I often say things which may have direct impact on others. But when people suddenly become straight forward & hostile, they will just drag you out of a place, stand in front of you, look at you straight in the eyes, and say "You s*ck".


Yes, I know I s*ck, but at least, please, try not to be so straight forward. Do you know a simple phrase like that will have direct impact on my emotions & thinking? And here I am, typing away with a hurt left hand, ranting how lousy is my mood now due to some dude who came straight to me like some mafia boss & telling me this kind of things straight at my face.


Thank you, Mr JF. You just ruined my life for the next few weeks.


I really need someone to talk to.....if only I can speak to you now, L. I miss you so, so much.

m e s s

Yes, tied.

I'm just so tied up with life these days until I don't even have ample time to blog. Or even sh*t.


Yes, it's THAT bad.


Nevertheless, thanks a lot to my faithful followers of my blog out there. I know you are here occasionally to check on updates; it's just my bad I didn't come in here to at least give a quick update on what's happening at my side of this dark realm.


Back to the topic.


Many things happened during this duration of almost a month plus since I last update here. From my main scope of career-wise up to relationship, life, finance & even attitude, I saw, felt & listened to many things, both good & bad, to buck up on my life experiences.

One word to summarize it all.


Mess.


Yes, my life is in a mess right now.

To cut a long winded story short, here we go with the summary for each part.


Career & Finance....

The main topic I've been talking about all this while. Since my last post about J leaving the company, many have changed since then. My boss, Mr B, apparently STILL have some sense left in his head to go employ another person into my team. And yes, as expected, this new person who just came in not long ago, have the thought to leave this company after not even a full month working here.


Yes, my job is THAT ugly.


There are people asking me what the heck am I still wasting my time here doing something I don't like & getting stuck at places like this? If I'm still the old me, I will probably do the exact same thing I've did previously to my last jobs. Resign 1st, enjoy 2nd, find a new one 3rd.


But...


I guess I've started to think deeper & tend to look from a bigger picture 1st. If I do resign 1st & think of getting a job later, what will happen to me in the future? Financially speaking, I will lose my only source of income. Career speaking, I will spoil my own resume's reputation with repetitive resignations. And not to mention what I've said previously that I feel lazy looking for a job all over again.

Now what? I left this issue to drag on & on & on....and before I realize it, I'm already here for 6 months & this month is already my confirmation month. Check out the significant difference :


Before Confirmation:

2 weeks' notice for resignation
Basic salary
Basic job scope

After Confirmation :

3 freaking months for resignation
Same basic salary (no increment + bonus)
Extended job scope (more work)


Now tell me, what will YOU do if you were me? Stuck in an unproductive & not prospectful company like this while leaving myself to rot, or to get the heck out of here to become a beggar by the streets due to the loss of sole income? It's like a dead end at both sides. OMG.



Relationship & Matters from the heart...

I guess the only thing I don't need to worry much once I got myself a job is the number of times I go down to Ipoh to see my dear long-distance relationship girlfriend, L. It's really worth the bus ride of 6 hours in one single day, to-and-flo, just to see her. Looking at her face & holding her hand calms my soul & brings happiness to myself.


However...


Things began to change during the time I see her last weekend.

All of a sudden, she became cold to me. It's like whatever I've said & done has no effect on her. Come to think of it, the sms messages which was once sweet & filled with love & care are now merely messages to ask your current action at home & what you took for dinner. I've tried my very best to find out what is wrong with both of us but it seems like she's not telling me anything. Did her mum told her something about our relationship again? Did her colleagues at work provoked her to something? Did I do anything wrong to make her angry? Most importantly....


Does she not love me anymore?


Like it or not, I guess this question never fail to kill off many poor hearts. And I really, really do not want to be one of them. Both of us have struggled through the hard times, sneaking pass our relationship without her mum's knowledge, loving each other so deeply, strongly encouraging each other during our final year in university when everyone else were so tensed up with their final year project, travelled together to several places while enjoying ourselves, holding her close to my arms when she cries after arguing with her mum bout our relationship, & most importantly, how we look at each other with the love & passion.


And although I confess that the feel is still deep inside my heart, but last week when I look deep into her eyes, I see only cold, ice-cold eyes. No feeling, but I do notice heavy confusion clouds running above her head, as if she's thinking something really hard. Is it about us? Our relationship? Our future?


What's for sure, I will never, never let her go. I still love her as much as the first day we started dating. And I really, really, hope she feel the same too.


L, please don't look at me with that cold eyes. You're killing my heart off slowly without noticing.


Lastly, Attitude...


Something that I don't really notice much until one of my colleagues' reminded me bout this while we were chatting casually about our own personal attitudes. It seems like despite me changing most of my bad attitudes ever since I started dating with L, there seems to be still a lot more bad attitudes left with me. Among those that I felt was still within me :

- Stubborn.
- Money minded.
- Short tempered & emotional at times (but never shown physically or facially)
- Absent minded, yet doesn't like to take down notes.
- No vision for the future.
- Big spender.
- Too quiet & bad social person.


Ok, I'm THAT bad, I have so many bad attitudes, but will I manage to change myself soon? I don't know. I really, really don't know. The last time I've changed my bad attitudes, it was L who gave me the encouragement & support. But now that L is not by my side always & I tend to be alone, pondering where did I go wrong, I guess these habits stay. And people will continue to hate & avoid me.


Hate ? Avoid ?


Good. Let it be then. I love to be alone anyway.


Just leave me alone.


---

I guess this is enough for this time.


Arghhh, need more rest now. Need to go outstation tomorrow.


I'm such a loser.