Saturday, July 25, 2009

b e g i n n i n g

It's been several days since I got back from my trip back to Terengganu, and here I am, back home in PJ with the reality "bell" ringing hard on my head.

And..

.


..


....


A new beginning is here.


Despite my current health condition getting worse with the bad weather & haze going around the city, I've found myself a new job. I've just accepted a job offer from an established IT firm in Technology Park, and this upcoming job I'll be taking will be challenging, as it's a totally new kind of job as compared to my previous ones. And....I've already submitted my resignation letter to my current company yesterday. My boss got kind of a shock after receiving my letter, & he went on to even counter-offer me if I'm still interested in my current job.


Well, Mr Boss, if you were to keep me staying here, it's not just about money & salary increment. It's about the job specifications that you've assigned to me. Since day one, I have already told you that I don't like what I'm doing & I need (really need!) a job role change. Instead of listening & giving feedback on this matter, you kept delaying & avoiding this issue up to yesterday, after I submitted my resignation letter, only to tell me you want to counter-offer me with the same bl**dy job role & a tiny, weenie salary increment?


Think again.


What's for sure, this new & upcoming job of mine will definitely pose a new challenge towards my career path. It's definitely something new to learn & catch up, unlike my current "repetitive & unproductive" job.


Regarding matters from the heart, it seems like my heart is beginning to accept reality & the fact that L is no longer with me. The sorrow & pain from the heart began to decrease as day passes by. Maybe it's because of this upcoming new job issue which is indirectly "healing" this wound. Or is it because....I have already lost hope on our relationship?


No.....never. I will never, ever let go of our relationship, even if it's you who initiated it in the first place. I will never blame you for breaking my heart.


I just want you to know that....despite the silence of me not messaging or keeping in touch with you anymore (I just don't want to remind myself of our current situation).......


I still love you, L. And I'm still waiting for you.


The heart continues to heal...yet the wait for love will be everlasting.


Tuesday, July 14, 2009

r e m i n i s c e n c e - p a r t 2


(This is another delayed post. Originally posted on 08:49PM, 13/07/09 Monday)


I have already reached the island of Kapas by the time I'm writing this post. It's already coming to the end of my 2nd day staying here, & will be back at the mainland tomorrow noon.


Initially I've thought that time flies so much faster when I'm back in PJ, but the exact same thing happens here in Kapas Island as well. Time flies the same speed here, & before I realise it, it's already day 2 of my island trip. Well, it's a good thing too since as far as I'm here, everything here kind of suck. Yes, you read that right. SUCK. The chalet room here sucks bad, there's no hot shower in here, room service are inefficient, food sucks real bad, & overall layout is kind of worn out. The only thing that deserves compliment are the polite & friendly staff, & most importantly....the beach.


Ahh, who can forget the beach & the sea?



Seaside, I really don't know how to thank you well enough for accompanying me this whole afternoon. "You" heard all my whines about work, life, lost love, confusion & also felt my tears as well. "You" never cease to be bored of what I'm telling "you"...instead you comforted me with your gentle waves & fine sands. When "you" listened about me saying that I have reached crossroads at my career & currently wasting my youth & time at a place where I don't learn & advance, "you" beamed with anger by showing me your rough waves. When "you" listened & see me crying for a love lost after deep affection for 3 long years, "you" comforted me with gentle waves & soft winds. It's as if "you" are really listening to what I'm saying. "You" are so much different from my other friends, or should I say, most of my friends. Most of them would just say the same old thing again, again & again. Time will heal, time will heal, let time cure your pain. Words are so easily said than done. Some of them just come to me, gave me a pat at the back, & tell the same old stuffs again. Yes, I do understand their intentions to make me feel better, but what I really, really need is someone who truly listens what I wanna say, leave me to cry my heart out, doesn't object or disagree what I'm saying although it might interfere with their thought (I'm not being possessive or dictative; these are simply matters from the heart & there are no right or wrong), & most importantly, understand what I truly want in the future. This might sound impossible to fulfill but yes, I have finally found "you". Come to think of it, travelling 500km from KL to here, looking for "you" isn't such a wasted effort after all. Ignore those people who keep telling me "what the heck am I going to an island alone?" or thinks that I'm some psychotic id*ot who is anti-social & doesn't mix with other people on trips.


For my career path, I have decided not to continue doing what I'm currently doing, stop wasting my time & youth at this place & move on to another better opportunity. Ironically, when I was talking to "you" about my career today, the company which I went for interview last week, called me up & offered me the position I've applied with a salary increment of about 30%. The coincidence is unexplainable, but indeed lovely & timely. After much consideration, I've agreed to the offer & called them back to confirm my start date.


From relationship wise & matters from the heart.....


.


..


...


It's not healed at all.


Tears continue to roll, sorrow continues to be felt, life have to "forcibly" move on for the sake of the upcoming new career path.


I still miss you, L.


Sunday, July 12, 2009

r e m i n i s c e n c e - p a r t 1


(This is a delayed post, originally posted on 10:42AM, 12/07/09 Sunday)



As I'm writing this post, I have just reach Marang, Terengganu. The place to get a boat over to Pulau Kapas, which is the island I'll be hanging out for the next 3 days to find peace & tranquility for my torn, exhausted & broken heart.


While I was driving along the way here to Terengganu, I began to feel something familiar. Something I've never, ever, felt back in PJ. It's this....this feeling of returning home to a place I once loved & fancy, especially the exceptional peace, silence & slow paced life of the people here. Although I have to admit that following an uncle who drives 50 km/h for almost 10km is kind of frustrating, but deep within, I can feel that people here are not rushing. Not rushing like what PJ/KL residents feel daily, regardless of whether it's a working weekday or a "supposed-to-be-relaxing" weekend. Not even bothered to think of other materialistic, ugly matters which may rear its head due to the hectic & fast-paced modern lifestyle. It's all just....just so slow, simple & beautiful here. Although the overall outlook & technology advancement is far behind what I've seen back in PJ (you can still see wooden buildings, cows & goats everywhere here!), but what I love most about this place is its surroundings & the fantastic feel whenever I step onto this land of the east coast.


And not forgetting....


This is also the place where IT all started.


The place where me & L began our beautiful, yet "restrictive" relationship.


Reminding myself about this situation makes me wanna cry again. Tears will never fail to roll out of my cheeks whenever I think about this....this tragedy that bestruck me without any notice. Nevertheless, I have to remember, I'm now sitting in a random coffeeshop in Marang, surrounding by strangers, & I will not further humiliate myself by crying in front of public ! Be strong, LYJ, I know you can totally forget about her & do like what dai kah cher told you, move on.


But...


Is it possible to move on?


Is it possible to let myself totally forget someone whom I loved so, so deeply since we started off our relationship 3 years ago? What's more, trying to forget someone you love in the place where we started building this wonderful relationship? The place where most fond & beautiful memories linger. The place where we both finish up our final year projects together. The place where we graduated with our Bachelors' Degree together. The place when I first hold her hands tight. The place I get to hold her close in my arms without much worries of bumping onto her restrictive parents.


And now it's all over in a flash before I even start wondering what or where did I went wrong.


Or is it that something we both missed out?


Arghhh, now is not the time to think about this. I should be concentrating to enjoy this "ultimate" vacation of mine which I've planned since the beginning of this year. I should be taking my own sweet time to enjoy this annual vacation back to Terengganu & not reminding myself of this tragical moment. Not to erase all my sweet & wonderful memories between me & her. What's more, this is suppose to be a HAPPY vacation, not a SORROWFUL one. My dear juniors are graduating from university & I should be happy for them. Gosh, what am I thinking?


My friends, I am really, really unsure whether I can forget about her & move on. Words can be easily expressed out, but it's the action which is difficult to initiate. Many friends told me that time will heal the wound, time will heal the wound....but it's simply too deep for time to heal it. No doubt, time flies, time heals, but will it manage to heal mine?


I doubt so.


Enough for now. Will be uploading this once I get a place to online. Till then, I'll just let emotions overcome me.


Off to the jetty now.


Latest update (06:39PM, 12/07/09) - I've finally found a place to go online....& it's in the island itself! Wireless connection available at the lobby.....ok. What an unexpected place to go online....

The sorrow & despair continues....


Saturday, July 11, 2009

d r e a m

As I'm writing this post, I just woke up from a dream.


A beautiful, lovely dream of me & L back together, holding each other's hand tightly. Feeling her warmth all around me. Hugging her as if she is a giant, life-size plush toy. And a single sentence from her lips which feels like the ultimate "cure" for all the grief, sorrow & despair I've been through for the past 1 week.

She said....


"I still love you."


However...


It's still all a dream, & once my eyes feel light from the windows, I know it's back to cruel & torturing reality.


Now I'm awake, writing this post in front of my PC before leaving back to Terengganu in a while more; returning to the place of my ex-university, the place I miss the most, & most significantly, the place where we started off our wonderful, yet controversial relationship. Will be driving all the way there this time. No more buses & hassle flights. All alone. All by myself. Yes, as always, I'll be going for this trip all alone. And I love the feeling.


Initially this was supposed to be a happy & joyful trip back to Terengganu to attend my university junior's convocation on the 15th & 16th, but somehow after this unexpected "incident", it all changed to become a healing, self-realization, "getting away with all the sorrow & despair I've been through after a short week of torturing reality's" trip. I do wonder, will this "so-called-ultimate-trip" of mine, in which I've planned since a few months back, fail due to my current unstable mood? Will I ever, ever succeed in forgetting about her & move on with life, while visiting all the places we've been together during our past university days? Will I able to hold my tears from not rolling down when I pass by her ex-rented house which is conveniently situated 2 houses away from my ex-rented house?


I don't know. I really, really don't know.


What's for sure, I'll be leaving in a while, & will return with an update once I find a place with a wireless connection.


Yes, I see all of you, my dear faithful friends. Thanks for the constant encouragement & support towards my current situation. I love all of you.....


Saturday, July 04, 2009

o v e r

Over.


It's over.


After 3 years & 3 months, it's over today.


I'm......I'm speechless. I should have seen this coming.


This is simply too much for me to take...I'll let regret, tears & alcohol to consume me.
Until then...


This sorrow & despair will haunt me forever. And it will never, ever, heal.