b a d

1 week.

It's coming to 1 week sharp since I last left my ex-company. Was tied up with settling off matters related to my new job for the past few days, & also a 2 days' visit to Ipoh to visit my dear L.

And...

Today's my birthday too.

Yet....

I feel so bad. Really bad.

Yes, you might tell me that I just returned from Ipoh, meeting up with L must be good, everything's nice & lovely, you get to bring your girlfriend around for a walk in 2 days. Well, that's exactly what I've thought when I was driving on my way to Ipoh to see her.

But when I finally see her...

She acts like a totally different person as before.

How different, you ask ? The way she treats me last week when I saw her....is the exact way when this happened previously. So......cold. Heartless. Soulless. No thoughts of grabbing or holding my hands. No more sweet talks. It's as if I'm going on a simple outing with a mere friend rather than dating with my girlfriend. Sounds pathetic, yes, but it's simply too much for me to take. Seriously, I would prefer her to just tell me straight to the face what the heck is happening, rather than staring at me with that blank, cold look of hers, & not saying anything. And when I have the guts to go ask her what's wrong, she simply answers "Nothing....nothing".

If you're good & there's nothing going wrong, then what's with that sudden attitude change ?

Even weather has its forecast for the day. Yes, I do understand that mood swings at times, but at least, please, please let me know what's going on rather then leaving me in the blank world, staring at a soulless body who looks as if she's accompanying me around, rather than I accompanying her around. L, you know me, I'm not a very deep person, not a deep thinker either. I'm a straight forward person, straight to the point, no twists & turns. Seriously, I don't really like the way most typical Chinese people act; they just love to make one bl**dy big U-turn to tell you something which will obviously hurt your feelings badly. Why don't they just tell it straight to the face of that person, rather than emotionally torturing the person with endless guesses & cold looks ?

And that's not all.

Regardless of her non-understandable actions when I see her physically, during our usual way of communication via sms, she still "speaks" the exact same way as before. Yes, sweet words & talks, words which will make us smile for a brief moment, lovely feeling when receiving an sms. And now the main question comes into the picture : What is she thinking actually? In the worst case scenario, history such as this will repeat itself to torment my birthday with even more endless thoughts & guesses.

Arghh.

I'm not thinking bout this anymore for today. Today's my birthday, and I wanna leave it in peace & joy, although temporal, but it only comes once a year. Ohhh, and she was the 1st person to wish me Happy Birthday for today.

Happy Birthday, oh Silent One.

L, please share with me what happened from the bottom of your heart. I'm waiting.

d e m o r a l i z e d

In case you're wondering, yes. This post is the continuation of this, in which I mentioned that I was severely demotivated.

Worse still....

It has come to a "critical" stage when I feel totally demoralized.

Seriously, I feel like a zombie lying around the office, rotting & rotting, waiting helplessly for his last day of service to arrive & save his soul. It's such a torture, having time to crawl slowly by, looking around an almost empty office. Yes, even at times, I can be seen prying around the office windows, wondering when can I finally achieve the dream career I've longed & everlasting freedom I've desired.

Since the day I've submitted my resignation letter for my current job, several of my other colleagues' followed my footsteps. Ermm ok, resigning from your current job somehow doesn't fancy a trend or something, but it do feels kind of weird having a bunch of people tendering their resignation on the same timing as yours. What's more, most of them have such a shorter notice period than me !! (due to the fact that they're not confirmed staff yet, they are merely entitled to a 2 weeks' notice instead of a lengthy, ridiculously 3 months' notice !)

To me, having people to leave the company isn't any big deal. It merely proves that either that specific staff or the management has some serious issues. But having a bunch of people who leave the company in such a short period of time before my own last day of service arrives......ARGHHHH !!!!

Ohhh yes, it's THAT bad.

It feels like having a bunch of id**t skinny guys munching juicy, delicious-looking burgers while looking, pointing & laughing at me, who coincidentally was on diet during that very time. Sometimes you just feel like going straight to these id**ts, grab a nice looking baseball bat, & wh**p their heads up the sky (sorry for the violence).

Nevertheless, what has happened will happen eventually, so there's no stopping that. Today, I witness one of my closest colleagues in work, leaving the office after serving his last day of service. Even as he is leaving, I can feel the joyful & spiritually happy mood that he possess when he step his foot out of the office. It's as if he was in heaven or something. Well, in heaven doesn't mean that he's dead, it simply shows that he is just too happy; not even words could explain how he felt today.

And come tomorrow, another one will leave the office......in that exact similar mood, I suppose.

Now I wonder when will my turn FINALLY arrive.

Ohhh time, please do not be so cruel.