m i x e d

Next weekend, my first love-of-my-life will enter another stage of her life.

.

..

...

She's getting married.

And now that I have both the wedding invitation card and marriage biscuits on my hands, I have this weird, mixed feeling. This unexplainable, weird, mixed feeling of joy, sorrow, confusion, and anger. My first love . . . . . let's just address her as C. 

I'm happy - because C has finally found her true love and getting married is just the beginning to a brand new phase of life with her chosen life partner. I congratulate her; I feel happy for her; I am surprised that she actually took the initiative to invite me to her dinner, and even gave me wedding biscuits (in which are usually given to close relatives rather than friends).

I'm sad - because well, explainable. This small feeling of sorrow deep inside, knowing that the first girl you've ever loved so much in the past will be leaving her hands, and future, to another lucky man whom I don't even know his name until I looked on the invitation card.

I'm confused - because of my current feelings. Should I not feel this way, to the first, ever girl I've loved ? Should I just forget about C, and even L, & get on with this cruel life ? I don't know, I really don't know what am I actually thinking right now. Reminiscing about your first love and not your recent, previous love is really something awkward. And now that this feeling is looming deep inside, I felt a slight sense of . . . . . regret.

I'm furious - because yes, I hate myself for not taking the extra mile to actually keep her by my side during that time. Might not be my fault entirely, but still, this guilt haunts me for almost a decade already. In fact, it's been almost a decade already since I first fall in a love with someone from the opposite sex, or should I say, Miss C.

Blend all of these feelings together, and what I get as a result is a mixed feeling. A mixed, unknown feeling deep inside, telling myself to stop giving unnecessary pressure to myself, or else I'll go nuts in no time.

But still, I feel grateful, for she still treats me as a close friend (she only invited 6 friends to her wedding dinner from the batch of friends I've known, including myself), and she didn't forget me at all despite the long period of time we've never met, maybe a year ago? Yes, I'm grateful, I'm grateful.

Maybe it's time to actually leave all these feelings behind. Maybe it's time to actually leave my heavy, emotional heart at bay. Maybe it's time to actually be really, really nice, and congratulate her from the bottom of my heart.

Or maybe it's time to . . . . . . .

Wake up.

Reality is yet another cruel fact.