Here I am, finally back to the
blogsphere after such long disappearance (kind of expected, judging from my
regular laziness & non-commitment towards my poor blog).
And I guess this is the one &
only time of the year when I can really sit down, relax and type out what my
heart truly yearns to shout out every single time (but failed miserably due to
the reason stated previously). Yes, laziness sucks.
As I’m typing this, I am currently
back to Terengganu for my annual solo trip. And this year marks my visit to the
final & last island of this state that I have not visited yet – introducing
Tenggol Island. Well, it’s quite a weird & unknown name to many, but I
guess divers will know this place well enough. For your info, Tenggol Island is
actually a “sanctuary” for
divers alike, as its virgin surroundings & less crowded dive sites will be
an instant hit among marine lovers. Not for regular consumers & ordinary
people, as I often get that strange blur look at people’s faces when I told
them I’m actually going to this island. Not to mention the stupid question that
follows after that blur look, e.g “Is it next to Redang?” or “Is it near
Langkawi?”. WTF.
And what does it have to do with
this post’s subject “lost”
then?
As always, I tend to lose myself
every now & then. It seems like for this year, too many things have
happened, and I don’t even know where to start picking myself up, or actually sit
down quietly to contemplate “What’s
next?” It seems like everything happened just like that, & I’m left
there sitting alone in the middle & looking lost (as usual). I’m lost.
Lost. Lost in the sense that I actually don’t know what I’m exactly doing and
what I plan to do in the future. Sounds confusing? On simplier terms, it
basically means I don’t know what should I do to actually move on with life.
Career, love, family, personal. Everything seems like a blur; a heavy fog. It
seems like I don’t see any path ahead for me. And guess how did this thought actually
came up my mind? After one of the random diving dudes here asked me a very
simple & typical question – “Why
don’t you take up diving?”
Seems like a legit question, no?
And what the heck does the diving topic has to do with my whole life’s
planning?
Simple. Actually, since the day I
stepped into my uni, I’ve actually had the thought
to take up diving & go for a license/what-so-ever-shit stuff related to it.
However, I tend to give myself a really stupid/invalid reason to stop myself
from venturing too deep into this otherwise legit dream. Among the reasons will
be “my nose’ sinus won’t be able to take it” or “it’s too expensive” or “there
is no one to take the license with me”, & the list goes on, bla bla yada
yada. And this happened during my 1st year of uni, as my youth is
coming to an end. Now, after my graduation, ventured almost 5-6 years into the
cruel working world, and all of a sudden some random diving uncle brought up
this epic topic. It seems like a reality shock, shot directly up my head
without me noticing. To actually think this way, I kind of feel that I should
have just taken that bl**dy license during my uni days & not now,
regretting & STILL
contemplating whether to go ahead or not. Not to mention my short attention
focus on marine organisms. Period.
Anyway, the whole point of this
post is not merely about diving only. It’s more about my direction in life. What do I really want to do in life?
Before that, I think it would be reasonable to flashback and review my current
situation.
Career?
I guess this section shall
prevail as the WORST SHOW STOPPER
in my life....for now.
Since August 2012 (last year),
I’ve took the ‘epic job role plundge”
from Team IM to Team Doc, due to the fact that my whole f**king team at that
moment are c**k suckers and no one wanted/dared to take up the role. And it
persisted until now. The best part is – I
DON’T F**KING ENJOY IT AT ALL. Well, from a normal person’s
perspective, the only solution might be either to switch back to the initial
role as a member of Team IM, or resign/get the heck out of this place ASAP. The
worst part is – I have no option. Roll back to my previous role? As of now,
there are currently no opening at my old team, and my previous team lead (let’s
name him/her as W) are STILL
leading the team. Yup, u sort of guessed it right. It’s partly due to this
person, that I’ve decided to not return back to Team IM. As a person &
friend, W is a very very nice & friendly person. However as a superior
& team lead, I feel she really failed miserably. To cut a long story short,
I can’t work with team lead/bosses like W. There seems to be too much politics,
relationship building, “backstab gossiping” & “f**k -everyone-else-because-i-have-a-team”
thing going on at Team IM due to W’s influence and I really feel it’s not
healthy at all. Resign from my current job? But I still haven’t find any job
yet! Too much monthly commitment on bills & credit card payment restricts
any career movements for the meantime (which I try very hard to increase my
credit balance for all my bills).
Conclusion – Career FAIL.
Love ?
Let’s just not talk about this
topic. Looking at this word makes me puke. And well, I fail miserable in this
department ever since L left my life.
Conclusion – Love FAIL.
Family ?
Another topic which doesn’t
deserve a lengthy explaination. To cut a long story short, please find the
below summary concerning one of the most important person in my life – my Dad, whom I have started to
despise since a month ago.
The below happened on an ordinary
day.
-
Hugs Dad tightly as usual
-
Dad shouted at me SUPER LOUD (not an ordinary situation – a rare one)
-
I got freaking, super pissed off
-
Never hug/kisses Dad anymore from then on
-
Ignore Dad’s requests completely from then on
-
Treats Dad like an outsider from then on
An imaginery letter to Dad as
below (yes, imaginery...only happen in my dreams).
Dear Dad,
What I’m actually doing here is
actually to vent my extreme frustration towards your action that day.
Do you know how much I love you?
I just wanted to give you daily tight hugs, kisses & share with you what is
going on with my life. I know that my actions might look or sound
girlish/feminine, but I really wanted you to know how much I love you. But
after your ‘intoreable behavior’ that
day, I really really felt that everything, all the love I’ve shared with you
all these while have been brought to crumbles. It seems like the end of the
world for me. How could my beloved, most appreciated,filled with patience &
respectful Dad can just shout to me like that? Shouted at me as if I’m the
enemy of the country. Or Continent. Or some sh*t like that.
Nevertheless, damage has been
done. Words that have came out from your lips will stay smack in my head
forever.
I HATE YOU VERY MUCH . . . . .
but yes, I still love you as my Dad. (cliche, yes it is).
Rgds,
Son
Conclusion – Family FAIL.
And last but not least – Personal
?
This category basically sums it
all.
In reality, this should be the
number ONE fail. However,
what I can say for now is that this category isn’t that bad after all. Looking
at my personal finance, I think my credit card bills/expenses are ok, in fact
better than average people (judging from the fact I like to pay my bills in
advance & keeping a really healthy credit balance), my overall
stuffs/personal appointment management
are not doing too well but still ok (might need to start using my tablet to
plan my personal appointment(s) or risk hitting another chance of appointments
happening at the same time/day). The rest....hmm can’t recall.
So, for the first time :
Conclusion – Personal PASS. (not too bad after all)
OK, end of explaination.
Getting too sleepy now (unable to
even open my eyes properly/fully), hence will continue again during my next
available time (which I guess will be the following year-during my next Terengganu trip?? Who knows....)
A Chinese proverb once sound : “I see you good, you see me
good only~
