d e a d l o c k ---- p t 2

(This is a continuation from here.)

I'm currently posting this from the regular hotel I patron, everytime I drop by Ipoh. Not sure whether is it just me or what, it seems that the only time I can really sit down and write up something true and meaningful from my heart, are the times I step foot on either Terengganu or Ipoh. 

And....

Now that I'm back to Ipoh, here I am, writing yet another "truly yours" post.

It's been almost 3 months since I last posted something regarding this dilemma I'm facing career-wise. This....this deadlock I was facing at that time, carried on up to today and worse case, it has come up to a serious, severe level. Now, it's not only career wise; it now affects me financially, emotionally, physically and worse still, overall mentality.

Financially wise, I'm currently in the verge of financial instability due to the fact that I just got back from an overseas trip which costs me a fortune of easily a few thousand RM, pampered myself with an Apple iPod Touch 3rd Gen 32GB direct from the Apple Store online, and paid off all my credit card bills every single month to avoid any overdue credits. And now? Living purely on a single source of income posts great responsibility and one needs to be either really smart financially or thrifty overall to actually make full use of such low income. What's more, I'm currently on a very, very tight arrangement for the sake of my overall well-being while being slowly slaughtered every single month for a whole freaking year. Thank you, smart guy. You have just created a 1 full year period of debts, directly into my own, monthly credit card bill.

Emotionally, well, it's the same old story again and again. Between me & L, there's already no turning back. Or should I say, reunification. Because simply said, it's like fighting a losing war. A war between me and her mom, and I can say that her mom is already a winner since day 1 I started dating her daughter, well, without her knowledge that is. And after exchanging sms's on a regular interval, the facts further strengthen its truth. Without L, I can still survive. But without L's love, I'm merely living on a thin string, waiting for it to break any single time. And when love has abandoned me, I will lie alone in the Darkness until I die, until the day I breathe my last breath.......alone. Loneliness shall be my one and only true friend in these times of peril.

Physically, this might be good news but despite me getting thinner by day, the amount of accumulated stress via career and emotion-wise are not really helping to really reduce my already fat and bulky body. It's like a hard coconut shell without any fillings in it.

And here comes the major issue which causes the current deadlock.

Overall mentality.

My brains are currently at its peak of unstable mentality period, where any direct failure from any aspect here will cause me to become cuckoo and go nuts. Somehow, I feel that  everything I do are going towards the failed direction. Scr* w that stupid story where people keep telling you again, again and again, to keep your mind straight, positive and get something major done ! It's like negativity has taken over me all again......and with this kind of mentality, nothing will EVER go right. Not even a simple issue of buying something or going to the toilet. But.....

I can't help myself.

The feeling just stays there to torture and torment me.

OMG.

And if you could excuse me now, I'm off to bed very early now to stop myself from thinking too much.

The pain is here. Always.

m a r r i a g e

"When are you getting married ?"

The golden question that every single parent in this world would ask their children within this age range, sparkled onto me this morning, from my mom. And I didn't answer her, as I've already knew that the answer will be a very disappointing one for her.

I'm pretty sure that this hit-topping question have been going around every single person with the "Single" status hanging above their head, in the same age range as me (or even an older age range, no offence taken). And believe me, most answers to this question will be not so pleasant for the parent to listen and accept. Not to mention if you're directing this question to another fellow friend.

In fact, sad to say, for the current being, marriage is no longer the "wonderful" fairy tale that everyone anticipated it to be. It's no longer "I love you, let's live happily ever after" or nonsense like "Nothing else matters as long as I love you".

To cut a long story short, the main reason my mom thought of the question was fairly easy; most of my cousins in the same age range as me have already married, and currently expecting their first baby. In other words, my aunty-uncles' will be "upgraded" to the status of grandmothers-grandfathers very soon, where as both my parents are still "stuck" with their current status as ermm.....mothers-fathers. As such, I don't really blame them when this impatient, longing feeling of "upgrading" to a much needed status, appears when you see your other counterparts beginning to have this sense of accomplishment. Yet, they still don't get it. They still don't get this current trend of marriage.

Long gone are the days where you can get married in your early teenage days of 18 years or so, and having your first-out-of-ten kid at the age of 22. In this current age, doing the similar act will end up having the whole bl**dy community assuming that you just caused that poor young girl pregnant and you're kind of forced to get married in order to cover up that mess you've caused. Not to mention other follow-up matters such as financial wise, and baby-sitting wise to add up your woes.

What I'm trying to stress here is that getting married at this era isn't as simple as it seems. Put the "love" part aside, we have other reality issues knocking on the front door, such as financial, commitment and responsibility. Ok, maybe the commitment part isn't that significant yet until the first baby pops out, but then.....it's the financial part which will make the first kill. Ever wondered how much does a wedding ceremony, together with the preparations along with it such as dinners, photoshoot & etc, cost you? And that is just the first part, the joy has just started. Once done, you will have to plan on getting a new house, a new car (to cater for the upcoming family size), a new shared bank account, new insurance policy, and the list goes on. And everything comes along with a pretty price tag, in which if you're not that kind of thrifty saver, you're definitely end up in deep sh*t.

I'm not trying to brainwash or discourage anyone from getting married here, but my emphasis is that getting married is not just a simple thing of two person who love each deeply, to share their love for the rest of their lives. There are just other matters which will raise the obstacles alongside that fancy marriage, it's just the amount of effort taken by both parties to overcome the obstacles and make the best out of their new life.

To my dear friends who still hold the valuable "Single" status :

I see you.

To my dear friends who are happily married :

I salute you.

To my dear friends who are expecting their first child :

I congratulate you.

And most importantly,

To all parents in this world who are still asking that same, d*mn question :

BE PATIENT !

End of story.

d e a d l o c k

It's been almost a month since I returned to Malaysia from Bangladesh. The feeling of touching back homeground on 2nd April is still tingling up my head, as if it just happened yesterday. It sure feels good to be able to be back home again. However, back to my current life . . . . .


Career-wise, I reached a deadlock.


Not deadlock from the physical side, but literally. Yes, ever since I got back from No-Man's Land at Bangladesh, it feels very, very different. It's as if I'm not myself anymore. Especially back at work, when I finally found out the main reason on why was I sent back to Malaysia in the 1st place. And trust me, it isn't really pleasant to hear the reason; the only way I got to find out the reason is all thanks to my colleague's "great" eavesdropping skill, overhearing the conversation between my direct superior and her boss, supposedly the top guy in my department. Please don't ask me what's the reason, as this current dilemma, or should I say, deadlock, is beginning to shoot up my head even faster than high-blood pressure. And unknowingly blow up anytime on anyday.


Ever since I got back from Bangla, going to work seems to be one of the hardest thing for me to accept on a weekdays' basis term. In other words, the ugly feeling of not going to work at all, losing all means & interest to go to work, struck me every single day without fail. Ok, maybe minus Friday's, but for other days, it's like a daily "Monday blues" disease. It seems like I've lost the interest, the passion to get up from bed, prepare myself, tell myself "Ok, cheer up, it's time for some action", and then go directly to work with at least a slight pinch of encouragement and confidence. But I can't seem to do it at all !


What's more, ever since I got back from Bangla, as my previous tasks back there are taken over by my replacement (another of my colleague from the same department), my current job tasks back here involve taking over some st*p*d task of managing inventory, doing stock take, drafting contracts between vendors, and even developing the internal department's web portal ! It's like a combination of an ordinary operator, lawyer's assistant and web developer, all in one good package ! Looking from the bright side, yes, I can learn a lot of new stuffs' I've never heard before, but again....looking back to the long run, this will not be beneficial to my future prospects. Especially the routine ordinary operator jobs such as doing stock take and prepare for packing of materials to be sent out to our overseas partners. Do you think it'll be valuable to put this kind of nonsense to my resume? I doubt any potential employers out there who reads this kind of nonsense job task will simply spit on it and tell me to go apply for some d*mb operator job somewhere across a random factory. I'm not saying here that doing routine operator job tasks' is a lowly class job, in fact there's no job in this world which are useless or of no benefit, it's just . . . .it's just not the right kind of job class for me. Not for me. Definitely.


But again, yes, I really didn't understand why do my direct superior didn't have the guts to tell me straight to my face on most matters. And yes, this includes the main answer to the question : Why the heck am I sent back from Bangla in such a sudden notice ? No answers to that. No one told me bout that. Maybe they are simply scared, or that they worry the real answer will hurt me deep. Thankfully I have at least a colleague who is kind enough to tell me the ugly fact. At least I know what's going on.


I know by saying all these will ultimately lead to the final decision of quitting the current job, but no. No. Not this time. I've promised myself from the 1st day I started work at this company that I shall not falter, I shall not fail myself and will work hard to at least get some sort of accomplishment before leaving. And as of today, although there's not even a simple pinch of achievement or chance for me to reach for the stars, I shall go on. Persevere. Hope that my patience will not fail me during this time of peril.


Even without your love, L.


Even without encouragement from all my friends', regardless whether close or not.


Even without support and guidance from family members.


I shall rely on myself. Me alone.


And see how far can I go.


- To be continued . . .