l o s t --- 2 0 1 3

Here I am, finally back to the blogsphere after such long disappearance (kind of expected, judging from my regular laziness & non-commitment towards my poor blog).

And I guess this is the one & only time of the year when I can really sit down, relax and type out what my heart truly yearns to shout out every single time (but failed miserably due to the reason stated previously). Yes, laziness sucks.

As I’m typing this, I am currently back to Terengganu for my annual solo trip. And this year marks my visit to the final & last island of this state that I have not visited yet – introducing Tenggol Island. Well, it’s quite a weird & unknown name to many, but I guess divers will know this place well enough. For your info, Tenggol Island is actually a “sanctuary” for divers alike, as its virgin surroundings & less crowded dive sites will be an instant hit among marine lovers. Not for regular consumers & ordinary people, as I often get that strange blur look at people’s faces when I told them I’m actually going to this island. Not to mention the stupid question that follows after that blur look, e.g “Is it next to Redang?” or “Is it near Langkawi?”. WTF.

And what does it have to do with this post’s subject “lost” then?

As always, I tend to lose myself every now & then. It seems like for this year, too many things have happened, and I don’t even know where to start picking myself up, or actually sit down quietly to contemplate “What’s next?” It seems like everything happened just like that, & I’m left there sitting alone in the middle & looking lost (as usual). I’m lost. Lost. Lost in the sense that I actually don’t know what I’m exactly doing and what I plan to do in the future. Sounds confusing? On simplier terms, it basically means I don’t know what should I do to actually move on with life. Career, love, family, personal. Everything seems like a blur; a heavy fog. It seems like I don’t see any path ahead for me. And guess how did this thought actually came up my mind? After one of the random diving dudes here asked me a very simple & typical question – “Why don’t you take up diving?”

Seems like a legit question, no? And what the heck does the diving topic has to do with my whole life’s planning?

Simple. Actually, since the day I stepped into my uni, I’ve actually had the thought to take up diving & go for a license/what-so-ever-shit stuff related to it. However, I tend to give myself a really stupid/invalid reason to stop myself from venturing too deep into this otherwise legit dream. Among the reasons will be “my nose’ sinus won’t be able to take it” or “it’s too expensive” or “there is no one to take the license with me”, & the list goes on, bla bla yada yada. And this happened during my 1^st year of uni, as my youth is coming to an end. Now, after my graduation, ventured almost 5-6 years into the cruel working world, and all of a sudden some random diving uncle brought up this epic topic. It seems like a reality shock, shot directly up my head without me noticing. To actually think this way, I kind of feel that I should have just taken that bl**dy license during my uni days & not now, regretting & STILL contemplating whether to go ahead or not. Not to mention my short attention focus on marine organisms. Period.

Anyway, the whole point of this post is not merely about diving only. It’s more about my direction in life. What do I really want to do in life? Before that, I think it would be reasonable to flashback and review my current situation.

Career?

I guess this section shall prevail as the WORST SHOW STOPPER in my life....for now.

Since August 2012 (last year), I’ve took the ‘epic job role plundge” from Team IM to Team Doc, due to the fact that my whole f**king team at that moment are c**k suckers and no one wanted/dared to take up the role. And it persisted until now. The best part is – I DON’T F**KING ENJOY IT AT ALL. Well, from a normal person’s perspective, the only solution might be either to switch back to the initial role as a member of Team IM, or resign/get the heck out of this place ASAP. The worst part is – I have no option. Roll back to my previous role? As of now, there are currently no opening at my old team, and my previous team lead (let’s name him/her as W) are STILL leading the team. Yup, u sort of guessed it right. It’s partly due to this person, that I’ve decided to not return back to Team IM. As a person & friend, W is a very very nice & friendly person. However as a superior & team lead, I feel she really failed miserably. To cut a long story short, I can’t work with team lead/bosses like W. There seems to be too much politics, relationship building, “backstab gossiping” & “f**k -everyone-else-because-i-have-a-team” thing going on at Team IM due to W’s influence and I really feel it’s not healthy at all. Resign from my current job? But I still haven’t find any job yet! Too much monthly commitment on bills & credit card payment restricts any career movements for the meantime (which I try very hard to increase my credit balance for all my bills).

Conclusion – Career FAIL.

Love ?

Let’s just not talk about this topic. Looking at this word makes me puke. And well, I fail miserable in this department ever since L left my life.

Conclusion – Love FAIL.

Family ?

Another topic which doesn’t deserve a lengthy explaination. To cut a long story short, please find the below summary concerning one of the most important person in my life – my Dad, whom I have started to despise since a month ago.

The below happened on an ordinary day.

-          Hugs Dad tightly as usual

-          Dad shouted at me SUPER LOUD (not an ordinary situation – a rare one)

-          I got freaking, super pissed off

-          Never hug/kisses Dad anymore from then on

-          Ignore Dad’s requests completely from then on

-          Treats Dad like an outsider from then on

An imaginery letter to Dad as below (yes, imaginery...only happen in my dreams).

Dear Dad,

What I’m actually doing here is actually to vent my extreme frustration towards your action that day.

Do you know how much I love you? I just wanted to give you daily tight hugs, kisses & share with you what is going on with my life. I know that my actions might look or sound girlish/feminine, but I really wanted you to know how much I love you. But after your ‘intoreable behavior’ that day, I really really felt that everything, all the love I’ve shared with you all these while have been brought to crumbles. It seems like the end of the world for me. How could my beloved, most appreciated,filled with patience & respectful Dad can just shout to me like that? Shouted at me as if I’m the enemy of the country. Or Continent. Or some sh*t like that.

Nevertheless, damage has been done. Words that have came out from your lips will stay smack in my head forever.

I HATE YOU VERY MUCH . . . . . but yes, I still love you as my Dad. (cliche, yes it is).

Rgds,

Son

Conclusion – Family FAIL.

And last but not least – Personal ?

This category basically sums it all.

In reality, this should be the number ONE fail. However, what I can say for now is that this category isn’t that bad after all. Looking at my personal finance, I think my credit card bills/expenses are ok, in fact better than average people (judging from the fact I like to pay my bills in advance & keeping a really healthy credit balance), my overall stuffs/personal appointment  management are not doing too well but still ok (might need to start using my tablet to plan my personal appointment(s) or risk hitting another chance of appointments happening at the same time/day). The rest....hmm can’t recall.

So, for the first time :

Conclusion – Personal PASS. (not too bad after all)

OK, end of explaination.

Getting too sleepy now (unable to even open my eyes properly/fully), hence will continue again during my next available time (which I guess will be the following year-during my next Terengganu trip?? Who knows....)

A Chinese proverb once sound : “I see you good, you see me good only~

h a t e

As of the time of writing, my current location is  at Gem Island, Terengganu. Date – 02/07/2012, time – 6.38pm. Delayed post due to no internet connection at this location.

This shall be the second chapter of my loaded rantings yesterday after work & personal stuffs flood my head with unwanted worries & causing unrest.

As the 2^nd day of my annual island getaway is coming to an end, here I am still worrying & thinking on how to actually settle the previously mentioned issues. Ohhh did I forgot about my “life” problem? Yes, life. Besides work & personal, I also suffer from life problem. But it’s more like a management issue, on how do I actually manage my own time, how I manage my data on my numerous hard disks, how I manage my room, how I manage my outings, yamcha & appointment dates, & so on. Seriously I’m having a major issue on managing my time, as recently I’ve noticed several appointment/dates/outings with friends have been clashing too often. And yes, TOO OFTEN basically means that in another way or two, I have to “ABANDON/FLY KITE/FFK” one party. And because of this, one of my friends’ group (my primary school mates) have boycotted me. Yes u read that right, “BOYCOTT” me because of one FFK. You might say “FFK only mah, what’s the matter? Nowadays alot of ppl also FFK lahh...” But for me, I’m those kind of people who seriously hate & despise people who FFK. Now look who is FFK’ing. I don’t like the feeling when my friends brand me as an FFK King or whatsoever, but I have to FFK in order to cater for one appointment. I mean, I can’t be at two places at the same time, right? But again, it all falls back to time management. Appointment scheduling. People management. Sounds corporate? No. It does apply to your personal life too, on how you actually manage your own time to complete whatever is thrown at you. Sometimes I really wonder, do I really have so many friends/plans for outing until I have this kind of scenario hitting at me? As far as I remember, I don’t experience these kind of situation before. I guess my circle of friends are expanding before I know it, but isn’t really a good thing judging from the fact that I’m an introvert & like to do most things alone. Again, back to the issue on how do I actually manage all these.  Truth to say, I have no specific plan on how do I fix this problem. In fact, after sitting by the beach for almost the whole day today, I even had the thought to just stay away from everything & everyone, let all my friends brand me as an anti-social freak, just to let my appointment calendar stay free & blank. But I guess both me & you know that’s not possible. Even the simpliest act of shutting down my phone for a day might trigger off LOADS of missed calls/SMS/Whatsapp messages. It’s not like I want to be anti-social & ignore whatever invites that my friend have in place for me, but sometimes I feel it’s getting too much. In fact, I’m beginning to notice I’ve started to neglect both my parents. I still remember previously I often bring them around, be it locally around KL/PJ or outstation to other states, I (being the not so fillial/nice son) will plan something on a weekend to actually bring my parents around. But with this life issue messing around with my head, I can’t help it but to neglect my parents. Yes I have to admit I’m a b**tard when it comes to treating my parents well – but who can I refer to when I’m having issues like this? Hard. Even the simpliest act of tidying my room or arranging my room’s stuff can be super hard for me. I would rather logon to Facebook or repetitively listen to my Korean songs than to simply sit down & tidy up my room, or even re-organizing all the data from my numerous hard disk. Sometimes I really hate myself, I really hate myself for being lazy, I hate myself for being so demotivated, I hate myself for being such a f**ked-up @$$ at work, I hate myself for being an id**t & despised by all the girls in this planet, I hate myself for my ugly looks & no hair appearance, basically I can say I hate myself for almost EVERYTHING.

Actually I really wonder – am I suffering from depression again?

Depression. And why I used that word “AGAIN”? I used to suffer from that during my secondary school days, I still remember it crystal clear. Due to this, I became extremely anti-social (FYI I didn’t mix around with anyone during my 7 years period at secondary school, except for those I’ve known since primary school or simply coz they’re my classmates), I hate myself so much to the extend I was suicidal (yes you read that right), every freaking day I was planning to commit suicide but didn’t succeed in the end coz I was too busy thinking about something else, always worrying about something – either on school homework, the latest hype at school, the pretty girl from next class, etc & worst still, I can’t focus on anything. No focus. Loss of concentration. Can’t seem to complete something well. Not to mention the urge of suicide lingering on top of my head. At that moment, I didn’t know what depression was, thus I was merely thinking I went crazy at that period. But with so much worries & stress upon me, I can’t help but to keep thinking, thinking, & thinking what lies ahead for me. The amount of thinking floods my head to the extend that I’m unable to think rationally. Sometimes I might just break into tears all of a sudden, sometimes I might just smile to myself. Sounds crazy, yes, but I can’t control. The level of depression came down substantially when I started off my uni days at Terengganu (the location I’m currently at). From here, I slowly became normal & recover from my severe emotional breakdown. What’s more, I get to know my first love, L, here. It feels like a heavy weight liften up from my burden. Which explains why I really really love to return to Terengganu whenever I feel stressed & from there, I promised myself that I shall return here every year & make it an annual event. Which is why I’m here now. And yes, I super bl**dy hate people asking me what’s so good about Terengganu & starting off stories on how boring & dead this whole state is. Sometimes I really wish I can just slap them left & right, to tell them shut the f**k up & stop talking bad about my beloved 2^nd home, because you weren’t in my shoes before thus you have no rights to talk bad & despise Terengganu. This is the place I found peace, this is the place I found serenity, most importantly – this is the place I found back my sanity. If I ever missed out this place during my uni days, I really don’t know what will happen to me. I might have just ended up at a mental hospital or **touches wood** no longer in this world, but it’s the peace & serenity of Terengganu that brought me back.

So for this, I thank you very much, my beautiful land of East Coast –Terengganu.

My annual island trip is coming to an end, thus I shall become optimistic & say that it has been a good & peaceful one. Will enjoy the final moments of peace here. Current time is 7:28pm – time for dinner. Hungry like h*ll, let’s munch !

Not all is bad after all.

u n r e s t

As of the time of writing, my current location is at Gem Island, Terengganu. Date – 01/07/2012, time – 7.06pm. Delayed post due to no internet connection at this location.

Ahhhh...

One year have passed me by so quickly....and now I’m back on my 2012 version of solo Ultimate Trip back to my beloved “homeland”, Terengganu.

What have changed?

A lot has happened since my last year’s trip to Lang Tengah. I still remembered, when I was at Lang Tengah, my head isn’t as heavy & as tensed up as now. I’m definitely sure – it’s due to pressure from ALL ASPECTS. Be it at work, personal, life, everything.

Work ? My current status of work at the bank – well, let’s just say after the departure of my ex-team leader (whom I address her as H), my new & current team leader (let’s address her as W) is giving me lots of pressure & trouble in terms of work segregation, handling, & assigned tasks. In short, basically now she’s telling me that I’m under-performing or in more “direct” terms, I suck. Yes, I have to admit, I really suck at work nowadays ever since day 1 I’ve joined – coz there are basically no clear cut, no clear process, everything. Everything seems to be in a mess since the day I’ve joined, and what I’m currently doing now are various unrelated job tasks which has nothing to do with my initial job scope. And due to this, I’m lacking the confidence to actually multi-task & prioritize what is more important & essential to complete first. So what’s the current issue now? Loads of outstanding work to be completed – and I really mean it by LOADS. It’s really too much for me to handle until I have to keep back-logging, & back-logging, & back-logging. I know it’s a really screwed up thing to actually back-log something coz in the end, the back-logs will actually KILL me, but I really have no choice. Stuffs keep coming in & in, & before I can complete one task, comes another two task. And the pressure from W & non-stop daily calls from customer are not helping either. Sometimes I really wish I can complete everything in one go by doing OT/overtime up to late night e.g 10pm or 11pm, but wait, is it worth staying back to just complete a round of never-ending workload? I remembered previously someone from my previous bank told me that we will never able to complete our work regardless of how late we stayed up until, coz beginning the next working day, new work will come in again. Not to mention I have a forwarded email from a friend saying “Why I should not stay back after work to complete my tasks” and a whole lot of reasons on why I should not be wasting my time in the office, struggling to complete my outstanding tasks after office hours. And the best part? W sent me an email before I left for this vacation, saying that she’ll need to “discuss & plan” my upcoming work plan once I get back to work. Ok that sucks, I’m gonna go for a long vacation to enjoy myself & you bl**dy b**ch f**k are telling me nonsense like this? Scr*w this, I’m going for my vacation & shall not waste myself worrying too much about what you’ve said. But again, the stuff she said are still lingering in my head, hence the unrest feeling I’m getting now. Seriously, I really really need to buck up on work & start organizing/prioritizing my work stuffs properly, but I lack motivation. Lack confidence. Lack the “PUSH”. And I don’t wanna rely on that f**king fat @$$ lady boss W, to give me that “push” I needed. I guess I might have to get that push from somewhere, somehow, but . . . . well, let’s hope I shall get revitalized & motivated once I return to work from this current vacation. Case closed, now stop thinking about work & starting thinking about your dinner today!!

Personal? Another issue. The last few weeks was a torture to me due to this sudden “urge” of wanting to have a partner/girlfriend came to me again. Well, it’s not actually an “urge” (coz it sounds damn desperate & so wrong) but sometimes I’ll have this sudden lonely feeling hitting me. Sometimes I feel afraid to be lonely. Sometimes I really wanted to share my sorrow, my joy, my story to someone whom I trust, someone who is close, someone whom I believe, are able to share & give me his/her feedback on what is to be done, e.g my work issues, etc. Sometimes I really wanted to call someone, sometimes I really wanted to talk. But again, I guess it’s not easy to actually find someone who actually “clicks” and thinks the same way you do. Coz if you really found that person, congratulations, in other words you have actually found a potential (not confirmed – remember nothing is absolute in this world?) good friend. And who knows, if the good connection goes on & well, he/she will be your lifelong partner – ultimately your spouse, your other half? You’ll never know. And judging from my current situation, my current criteria, my current habits & attitude, I doubt ANYONE will notice me. Yes, anyone. It’s THAT bad. Seriously I have already lost faith on myself in terms of relationship ever since I broke up with L. It’s like the whole bl**dy world crumbled down when she left my life for the sake of her mom (please don’t ask me what happened between me & L again – it’s a tragedy & sad story to reminisce). And ever since, I’ve told myself to not love anymore, not to be hurt again, not to hurt another girl for the sake of finding ultimate happiness & joy in life. By saying this, it doesn’t mean that I hate & despise all my other friends who already have a partner (be it girlfriend/boyfriend, husband/wife, etc) in their life, it’s just I feel d*mn bad & sorry for myself. In fact, I actually feel really happy when one of my friends actually get married (minus the temporal sorrow of forging the “standard Chinese-wedding-entrance-fee-nonsense” money) coz I know they have found their life partner to share the rest of their lives together as one. Seriously, it’s not easy to find someone you love, someone who trusts you, someone who listens, someone to share whatever lies ahead for you – be it good or bad. Thus sometimes, I really really envy these people. Sometimes it’s not about the looks, e.g good looking people are nice people & vice versa, but it’s the inner heart that matters. I really envy those people who can just ignore looks & appearance to just find deeper inside their partner’s hearts to identify that, yes, this is the person I shall share the  rest of my life with. It’s not as easy as it seems. A wrong move will end up from as simple as a breakup to as serious as a divorce or worse still, a court case to settle a dispute-case divorce. As time flies & passes me by, as I’m getting more & more wedding invitations from fellow friends I’ve known all around, it began to struck me. Struck me just like that. That time is indeed flying & before I know it, I’m gonna hit the big 3 (in terms of age) soon & I’m still single. Not sad to say, but let’s just optimistically say I’m single & available. Negatively thinking, I’m assuming that I will be single for the rest of my life & I shall die alone by my death bed, not knowing who is my other half. But let’s just say, the sorrow shall be myself to bear, and not others to share. Yes I feel happy & will always send my best wishes to all my friends who have already attached/going to be attached soon, but again I shall feel sad & sorry for myself & my parents as I will not be able to fulfill their dream of actually seeing me in wedding groom clothing, finding my true love & like what other typical Chinese would say, “to continue the Chinese surname/generation”. I’m sorry, Kuai & Mamak Stall, I’ve failed you both. Seriously I don’t dare to tell this directly to you both coz I’m worried you all will be devastated & thinking I’m gay, but let’s just keep it here & then, I don’t choose to be single, I’m not desperate for a partner/girlfriend, I’m not gay & still straight, definitely!, yet I enjoy my solitude too long to actually feel heavy hearted to abandon “it”. Thus I shall be alone, shall be in solitude for a very very long time, and I sincerely hope that you respect my decision. Not only I shall doubt whether I will find a partner in the near future, but looking at my present attitude/habit problem, I doubt any girl/partner shall  be able to accept & take me for what I am. And mind you, I’m not actually saying this to indirectly promote myself as a very humble & honest man, but I’m just sharing what I have in my head for a very long, long time. In fact, I’m getting sick of people asking me why the h*ll do I return to Terengganu every year alone, when I have such a huge number of available friends to actually call along? The answer is simple enough – I highly respect my solitude, and I hope you do the same too.

Current time is 7.52pm, dinner time. I guess I took too much time on elaborating my work & personal issues, not to mention I haven’t start yakking on my life & misc issues. To be continued the next session.

Solitude, we are one. As always.