Friday, July 06, 2012

h a t e



As of the time of writing, my current location is  at Gem Island, Terengganu. Date – 02/07/2012, time – 6.38pm. Delayed post due to no internet connection at this location.


This shall be the second chapter of my loaded rantings yesterday after work & personal stuffs flood my head with unwanted worries & causing unrest.


As the 2nd day of my annual island getaway is coming to an end, here I am still worrying & thinking on how to actually settle the previously mentioned issues. Ohhh did I forgot about my “life” problem? Yes, life. Besides work & personal, I also suffer from life problem. But it’s more like a management issue, on how do I actually manage my own time, how I manage my data on my numerous hard disks, how I manage my room, how I manage my outings, yamcha & appointment dates, & so on. Seriously I’m having a major issue on managing my time, as recently I’ve noticed several appointment/dates/outings with friends have been clashing too often. And yes, TOO OFTEN basically means that in another way or two, I have to “ABANDON/FLY KITE/FFK” one party. And because of this, one of my friends’ group (my primary school mates) have boycotted me. Yes u read that right, “BOYCOTT” me because of one FFK. You might say “FFK only mah, what’s the matter? Nowadays alot of ppl also FFK lahh...” But for me, I’m those kind of people who seriously hate & despise people who FFK. Now look who is FFK’ing. I don’t like the feeling when my friends brand me as an FFK King or whatsoever, but I have to FFK in order to cater for one appointment. I mean, I can’t be at two places at the same time, right? But again, it all falls back to time management. Appointment scheduling. People management. Sounds corporate? No. It does apply to your personal life too, on how you actually manage your own time to complete whatever is thrown at you. Sometimes I really wonder, do I really have so many friends/plans for outing until I have this kind of scenario hitting at me? As far as I remember, I don’t experience these kind of situation before. I guess my circle of friends are expanding before I know it, but isn’t really a good thing judging from the fact that I’m an introvert & like to do most things alone. Again, back to the issue on how do I actually manage all these.  Truth to say, I have no specific plan on how do I fix this problem. In fact, after sitting by the beach for almost the whole day today, I even had the thought to just stay away from everything & everyone, let all my friends brand me as an anti-social freak, just to let my appointment calendar stay free & blank. But I guess both me & you know that’s not possible. Even the simpliest act of shutting down my phone for a day might trigger off LOADS of missed calls/SMS/Whatsapp messages. It’s not like I want to be anti-social & ignore whatever invites that my friend have in place for me, but sometimes I feel it’s getting too much. In fact, I’m beginning to notice I’ve started to neglect both my parents. I still remember previously I often bring them around, be it locally around KL/PJ or outstation to other states, I (being the not so fillial/nice son) will plan something on a weekend to actually bring my parents around. But with this life issue messing around with my head, I can’t help it but to neglect my parents. Yes I have to admit I’m a b**tard when it comes to treating my parents well – but who can I refer to when I’m having issues like this? Hard. Even the simpliest act of tidying my room or arranging my room’s stuff can be super hard for me. I would rather logon to Facebook or repetitively listen to my Korean songs than to simply sit down & tidy up my room, or even re-organizing all the data from my numerous hard disk. Sometimes I really hate myself, I really hate myself for being lazy, I hate myself for being so demotivated, I hate myself for being such a f**ked-up @$$ at work, I hate myself for being an id**t & despised by all the girls in this planet, I hate myself for my ugly looks & no hair appearance, basically I can say I hate myself for almost EVERYTHING.


Actually I really wonder – am I suffering from depression again?


Depression. And why I used that word “AGAIN”? I used to suffer from that during my secondary school days, I still remember it crystal clear. Due to this, I became extremely anti-social (FYI I didn’t mix around with anyone during my 7 years period at secondary school, except for those I’ve known since primary school or simply coz they’re my classmates), I hate myself so much to the extend I was suicidal (yes you read that right), every freaking day I was planning to commit suicide but didn’t succeed in the end coz I was too busy thinking about something else, always worrying about something – either on school homework, the latest hype at school, the pretty girl from next class, etc & worst still, I can’t focus on anything. No focus. Loss of concentration. Can’t seem to complete something well. Not to mention the urge of suicide lingering on top of my head. At that moment, I didn’t know what depression was, thus I was merely thinking I went crazy at that period. But with so much worries & stress upon me, I can’t help but to keep thinking, thinking, & thinking what lies ahead for me. The amount of thinking floods my head to the extend that I’m unable to think rationally. Sometimes I might just break into tears all of a sudden, sometimes I might just smile to myself. Sounds crazy, yes, but I can’t control. The level of depression came down substantially when I started off my uni days at Terengganu (the location I’m currently at). From here, I slowly became normal & recover from my severe emotional breakdown. What’s more, I get to know my first love, L, here. It feels like a heavy weight liften up from my burden. Which explains why I really really love to return to Terengganu whenever I feel stressed & from there, I promised myself that I shall return here every year & make it an annual event. Which is why I’m here now. And yes, I super bl**dy hate people asking me what’s so good about Terengganu & starting off stories on how boring & dead this whole state is. Sometimes I really wish I can just slap them left & right, to tell them shut the f**k up & stop talking bad about my beloved 2nd home, because you weren’t in my shoes before thus you have no rights to talk bad & despise Terengganu. This is the place I found peace, this is the place I found serenity, most importantly – this is the place I found back my sanity. If I ever missed out this place during my uni days, I really don’t know what will happen to me. I might have just ended up at a mental hospital or **touches wood** no longer in this world, but it’s the peace & serenity of Terengganu that brought me back.


So for this, I thank you very much, my beautiful land of East Coast –Terengganu.


My annual island trip is coming to an end, thus I shall become optimistic & say that it has been a good & peaceful one. Will enjoy the final moments of peace here. Current time is 7:28pm – time for dinner. Hungry like h*ll, let’s munch !


Not all is bad after all.


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