j o y

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WARNING
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This post may contain sadist & negative remarks which may be disturbing to some people. If you are a positive person, someone who just went through occasions of extreme joy (e.g graduation, wedding, newborn child's birth), you might not want to proceed reading this post. Thank you for your everlasting support to my blog; I feel it from the bottom of my heart.


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A very happy & delightful Pelfy muimui in front of the main stage.

I just returned from Pelfy muimui's graduation ceremony at Wisma MCA near Ampang, KL. Despite the overwhelming crowd expected from parents, family and friends of the graduates, overall it was happy all around. Smiles, laughters, tears, hugs, and camera flashes can be seen almost everywhere, despite the lack of oxygen in the whole area with lots of people. And not forgetting the weirdo weather where it rained like cats & dogs before I arrive there and the scorching sun that shines like some bakery oven after everyone is done with the graduation and proceeded with photo taking outside the building.

Frankly speaking, I feel happy for my dear Pelfy muimui for her graduation. Although we are not that close (I would say I'm closer to her sis, my dai kah cher) , but whenever I see someone in their convocation robe, it's like....bliss. The slight moment of bliss and joy you can see in the person's face when he / she is finally graduating after years of hardwork studies.


However...


I feel that this 'slight' moment of joy and bliss is just so short-lived. I always define this type of moment as temporary. Which is why people often call this 'the most memorable moment of my life' and NOT 'the most memorable period of my life'. Maybe this is due to me living under the shadows of darkness for too long.

To most of my friends, they know me as the outgoing, cheerful and happy guy from the outside, but not many understand my hidden personality from the inside. I live in darkness and sorrow ever since secondary school, as I always prefer to be alone in everything I do, whenever I go. I love the loneliness feeling; the feeling of being free and alone.

Back to the the topic, I feel that moments of joy is just too overrated. Take graduation as an example. Think of it, you study hard in university, after a few years you graduate, go for your convocation, be freaking happy, keep taking pictures until there is no tomorrow, throw your mortar board to the sky or whatsoever, go back home, eat, sleep, then start planning of your first step in the competitive corporate world. Did you realise the 'very short' duration when you are really, really happy? It just lasts only a day max and after everything's over, you're back to square one in the ugly corporate world. Just this afternoon, I was chatting with my dai kah cher's mum while waiting for Pelfy muimui to finish taking pictures with her coursemates and friends. She was saying randomly....


Ahhh, so fast graduate already. Time flies, ehh?


After she says this, I was put to a sudden halt. This very random, but common statement struck me straight at the head. I simply answered , "Yes aunty, time flies so fast until you won't realise it". But deep inside my heart, I asked myself, "Why do joy have to be so short-lived? I didn't really enjoy my own convocation last year to the max, and it's already over before I realise it."

Yes, I know most people will think like me in this case, but in my case, it's different. I am someone who don't really feel happy easily. Tell you frankly, the last time I felt really, really happy is the time I started off my relationship with my girlfriend 2 years back. Before that, the last time I felt happy was during the time I got my PlayStation after Standard 6. Notice how easy I recall the times I feel happy? Because my definition of 'happy' is 'joy which is not short-lived'. And also because the times I felt happy is so little until I can easily count it with both hands. You ask me, 'how about other times, e.g when you score well during exams, your convocation last year, etc.?' All I can say is the rest of the moments are just short-lived joy. Joy which only lasts a while and never everlasting.


Seriously, I have not been happy for a very long, long time.


Nevertheless, I will feel happy 'temporarily' when people around me, especially friends and family, feel happy. Besides, I don't want to become some f**ker who shows a lousy sad, mourning face when a friend graduates or getting married. It's ugly, you know. What's for sure, I'm not a selfish person. Although I take most common, joyful matters lightly, but I will also pray and hope for everlasting joy to all my friends and family.


Haihz...


Enough of the emo talk for today. Seriously.

Getting some rest now before the job frustration kicks in.

Haihz...haihz...haihz....