c o n f r o n t a t i o n

This morning, when I just reach the doorstep of my office, I felt something....

Something....

..

...

Not good.


As I opened my office door and walked towards my work desk, I saw my colleague a.k.a the-senior-guy already sitting on his desk, typing away on his laptop. Guess he has tons of work to be done, I thought. And maybe that is the main reason he reaches the office much earlier than me, as I was always the first to reach the office.

Shortly after that, out of the blue, my colleague started a conversation with me. Well, you say "Ohhh...conversation between colleagues ahh? Usual stuffs lor...especially during the morning when everyone is blurring and stoning". Well, initially, I'm thinking the exact same thing this morning, until I finally realize that....

My colleague is initiating a direct confrontation with me.

Didn't get what I meant by 'direct confrontation'? Let me explain this phrase. To cut the long story short...actually, the meaning of this phrase is...he finally told me what he thought of me. No! Not those 'I love you, you love me' kind of sh*t. I'm definitely not gay (I still love to look at pretty & cute chicks), and this guy is not saying anything emotional or abnormal to me. It's just...he finally told me about my working attitude and how much he 'tulan' me (p*ssed off in Malaysian's Cantonese). If you read until this point, then I'm pretty sure most of you guys would say it's my bl**dy fault that this guy is p*ssed off with my working attitude.

Well, I'm not in any situation to defend my stand. I am a very straight-forward person, and I only say what is right, even if it will drop my reputation from heaven to hell. Yes, true, I have to admit that my working attitude is really bad in this case. Basically, the summary of the long-winded 'I d*mn tulan you la!' session between me and him is as below:

• I'm a slow worker, as I do my work very slowly and often overdue.
• I'm a person who thinks, and talk too honestly, in which, according to him, is extremely severe in the case of being a support staff.
• I'm a person who doesn't know how to think deeper and more detail when a complex problem arises.
• I'm a person who works like a robot, in which I just do according to orders and not thinking of other alternative ways to do something.
• I'm a bl**dy id*ot without any ambition or goals in life.
  
• Because of my weak points specified above, he is the one who gets all the blame and firing from the boss, as the boss 'dare' not to fire me straight as I'm still new and blur case.

So basically, yes, I have so many weaknesses when it comes to working. And these points can be very, very crucial especially if you're working in a large, multinational kind of company. And this is just plain luck that these points got found out in a small, tiny weenie company like mine.

And like what I've said earlier, I'm not in any situation to defend my stand. I won't give any reasons or excuses to backup or cover up my weaknesses so that other people won't see it. Let the whole world see it. Let my potential future employer sees it. Let my boss sees it. Let that guy who shoots all those points at me reads this. (and that is also if he knows that this is my blog!) I just don't care. Just think what you feel like thinking, just assume that I'm just another failure product from a local university, just assume that I'm a fresh grad with no sense of urgency towards his own future.

During the whole conversation between me and my colleague, he is the one who does like 98% of the talking. The remainder 2% is by myself who merely answers with either a 'yes' or 'no'. I didn't retaliate or argue or even thought of shouted back at him when he was telling me all those straight-forward-but-not-nice kind of things. I know, once I start to retaliate or argue with him, it is just pointless. You have to understand, in order to stop a fierce argument or further damage from being done, what you'll need isn't a much sharper tongue, but a solid patience. So, what I did was just listen, listen and listen. Like what old people say, listen and learn. Instead, I should thank my colleague for telling me all this.

You ask me why?

Because these are all honest statements. He didn't frame me anything. Those are really my weak points, and I have to admit them myself. What's more, he's doing me a favor by telling me straight to the face, rather than keeping everything in the heart and leave it to blow from within, in which is what both of my bosses are doing. Yes, I know they are discontented with my working attitude as well, alike my colleague. But they are just keeping these seeds of discontent, deep inside their heart, as they would not want me to slam a nice piece of resignation letter on their desk the next day. Moreover, having to look for another new staff and training him/her all over again is troublesome, you see.

But what's done is done, and my colleague definitely did a good job in initiating this 'confrontation', indirectly providing me with some motivation and also helped to speed the process of me handling over my resignation letter to my bosses (in which I've not decided when....yet).

Sometimes, listening to something which is not nice uncovers a hidden blessing within.

And this makes me more of a failure.

Failure in a fast-paced working world.

My life sucks.