p e r f e c t i o n

It cannot be denied.

As per subject, we as ordinary human beings, tend to look for perfection.

Why am I saying this ?

~  whining mode up ahead ~

It all happens right after my last working day at my (now) previous company. People always say that you won't be able to understand something, until you experience it yourself. And now that I have finally experience my last working day at the work place I've merely worked for a short term, I can't help but to feel that I am already missing my ex-company. Sounds familiar? Hell yeah. Frankly speaking, true experience speaks for itself. Sometimes you might feel that leaving your current job for a supposedly better one with competitively better exposure, salary, and position will render you immune to emotional feelings. But again, once that "reminiscence" kind of feeling goes above your head, you won't be able to do anything except feeling helpless and wonder what in the world provoked you to take such a huge plunge. And believe me, once that feeling appears out of a random, you'll feel crappy. As in, REALLY CRAPPY.

~  end of supposedly-whining mode ~

 

Well, back to the perfection topic. What's perfection have to do with reminiscence, you ask? Well, nothing much, except that after you have experienced the conditions from the other side, you just totally forgot the whole idea of missing your ex-company, bla bla, yada yada, and feel that going to this new, upcoming company is a wise step. Ohh wow, the sudden change of order confuses you? Nothing fancy, really. It's just that by just doing a simple "site survey" on the surroundings of this upcoming new company of mine, I found out several interesting facts that I'm more than surprised to notice it. Well, back to the original quote : "you won't be able to understand something, until you experience it yourself". And so be it.

The official, first working day shall fall in the next 2 weeks or so.

Till then, I shall keep my fingers crossed and hope that the best is yet to come, as the eclipse of year 2010 fades slowly to welcome the dawn of 2011.

I need lots of luck. Seriously.

c h r i s t m a s

As I'm posting this up, the clock ticks 12:00AM sharp, indicating the beginning of 25/12/2010, also known as the Christmas Day.

Well, I'm no Christian for sure (an Atheist, perhaps?), thus I don't celebrate Christmas. It's just that I can't help but to start thinking bout how my Christmas (almost) every year tend not to fail me in terms of a drastic or major change. Why is that ?

To summarize things, well, today is my last working day in this current company. Christmas Eve as the last working day. How fancy is that ? Fancy enough until you're sort of "forced" to have lunch with your worst enemy, sitting side-by-side, having speechless lunch with an unexplainable, uneasy feeling. In fact, I really don't know how can I end up having lunch, not any ordinary lunch, but my FAREWELL lunch with the person I hate the most in the company after one of my usual lunch "kaki's", called this enemy of mine along for lunch. Ohhh great.

Well, crappy farewell lunch aside, back to this topic. Christmas.

I still recall, 2 years ago, my Christmas was much sadden by the "loss" of my dear, good ol' Toyota Corolla to the 2nd hand car dealer. And now, this year, I have to bear the pain of having to leave the company which I really, really miss from the bottom of my heart. In fact, I have to admit that this company is the 1st ever company which I really miss after leaving.

And now that I have already stepped out of the company, under the status of "Resigned staff", I guess I just have to move forward and never, ever look back. Like what a colleague told me today, he said "The grass should be greener on the other side". Well, not much can be said bout whether the upcoming new environment is, indeed, greener than this current company of mine, but what makes me miss this company so much is because of the people here. I always feel that the people here are so much friendlier, nicer, peaceful, and humble as compared to my previous job at the bank where everyone just mind their own bl**dy business and no one cares bout u. But here in this company, I can feel the warmth. The feel as if you're back home.

I have to admit, sometimes I've really regret having to leave this current company. It's not like I hate this company, or I hate my boss or something like that. Yes, every person have their own goals and expectation towards the company they're working with, yet for myself, I felt that if I ever continue to stay here, I won't be able to advance and progress to the next stage. It's like as if I'm being thrown to the fridge, for a long long time. Long enough for me to become ice cube, that is. And when a better promotion offer by a 3rd party, complimented by an opportunity to learn more things come along, I cannot resist the temptation but to give it in and abandon this place of comfort I long rest in for the past 1 year. It's not that I don't like being in the comfort zone, but having to stick at places like this with no chance of career advancement isn't doing me any good. Might as well don't waste my youth, and go out to strive an achievement out.

And now that I'm out of there, guess it's time for me to take a good rest, rejuvenate, enjoy the year end holidays, and prepare myself for the upcoming new challenge.

Let's just hope that things will become better as the new year of 2011 arrives.

My dear Boss, I'm so gonna miss you over here.

g o n e

Gone are the slow, relaxing, pressure-free days of work.

I've tendered my resignation last week.

And my last day of service shall be on Christmas Eve. Go figure. With both fingers crossed, let's just hope for the best.

Ohhh my great boss, I'm so gonna miss you. Please do keep in touch.

o f f e r e d

 The decision has finally been made.



.

....

......

I took up the offer.
 

 
 
And they invited me to go over for medical check-up this coming Friday, and then to sign and take up the offer letter.


Ohh, how things fly, ehh? It has been less than a month since I last joked with my ex-boss regarding this opening in her department, and now I'm right in the beginning of the road to continue working with my ex-boss in a new environment. Sounds weird? Kind of. Sounds foolish? Not. Sounds cliche? Hell yeah.


Now that I can finally make up my mind on this complicated matter, what's next is to deal with the excessive "sudden surge" of emotions running up my head. It's just . . . . . just this weird feeling I felt, right after the new company's HR people called me up earlier this noon to confirm on my medical check-up appointment. I felt a sense of . . . . . sorrow. In fact, this is the 1st time, ever, that I feel this way before changing jobs. Every time before I change jobs, I felt ridiculously overjoyed. Happy. Exaggerated joy. Tears of joy flowing on and on. But this time . . . . . . there was no such feeling. No sense of happiness. Joy. No tears, not even a single tear of joy shed. Even with the 30% salary increment perception up my head, the sense of accomplishment, the sense of joy in improving my current salary, my feelings deep inside never cease to come up with a tiny bit of joy. It's just . . . . just like another ordinary day. Just like another Monday up ahead.


Maybe it's because I currently have the best boss . . . . ever. (note the word : EVER). Well, maybe her characteristics and attitude that made her the best boss ever with such a decent physical outlook, a sweet voice, a pleasant and soft attitude, a caring boss, a boss that never scolded me before during my entire tenure with this company, a boss who is more like a friend than a superior when it comes to ordinary chat, and most importantly, a very nice boss to work with. But maybe the one and only one weakness that this boss of mine have, which determines my upcoming, future career path, made me rethink the decision to stay on with my current company and continue to provide my services. Due to her soft attitude, she may be a very pleasant boss to work with, but when it comes to decision making, staff management and issue reporting - in other words, "cruel" corporate management - she is way too far behind as compared to her more aggressive counterparts. Summary wise, it simply means a boss with excellent personality doesn't always play as a productive superior at work. Well, no one is perfect, totally understandable. But for the sake of my future career, I have no choice but to just bid my current boss farewell. Guess both money and opportunity are calling me out from the other side. But still, I'll still remember this boss of mine as a very good friend; in fact, a pleasant person to be friends with.

And not forgetting, the people in this company. Despite me only serving almost a year of service here, I have met, see, talked and known quite a number of people. Tall, short, old, young, friendly, cocky, you name it, we have it. I have seen new guys join the company and left, I have seen long serving staff "forcing" themselves to work happily day by day, I have seen my colleagues ranting about the amount of work they have, I have seen friends grumbling about how unorganized was the whole process in the company, and lots more other things I have never seen in my previous companies. Yes, this company is truly a company comprised of different people with different background working together. In fact, I can say that this company has all the main characteristics of a retiring home. Not to condemn this company of mine, but yes, true enough, this company will be the place I want to be for my last job ever before retiring. Everything seems to be slow and steady here; everyone just mind their own business, life goes on day by day, and before you know it, it's retirement day. Nice to be, nice to have, nice to enjoy. Ask for no more. Who knows, I might return to this place again in the future when all I needed was just a company with all the peace and quiet in one place ? With fingers crossed, who knows ?

As for now, it's best for me to start counting on my official last day in this company, so that I can at least inform the new company on my start date to be typed onto the offer letter.


For my friends who are currently reading this,


Please wish me luck, despite me not believing in luck. I take that as a sign of good omen for better things to come.




I sincerely hope that this decision be the right one.

c l i c h e

Today, I finally opened up a folder from my home PC, which I have long abandoned.

.

..

...

A folder with the title "Interview Stuffs".

Yes, in case you're wondering . . . . . . I'm in the midst of preparing my resignation letter for my current job. And that's not the best part. When I opened up my previous resignation letter as a template for the current one, I can't help but to notice that the person to address, whom I wrote my resignation letter from my previous job, will again (yes, AGAIN), become my future superior, whom now holds a higher position.

Ohhh, what a cliche.

A brief background on what happened. My ex-supervisor (not BOSS, mind you) from my previous company, changed her job to another company from the same industry. Just several weeks ago, she left me a message in Facebook, asking me to recommend her a few candidates to apply for a job in her new department, as she has been promoted from Assistant Manager from the previous company, to a Manager in this current company, and she's desperately looking for people to increase the headcount. I joked with her, asking whether I myself could apply for the position or not, as a Team Leader. Astonished, she told me that yes, I am more than qualified & can definitely apply for the position, and believe it or not, she was more than delighted when I asked the question in the 1st place ! Well, so it went off with me submitting my resume to her, her HR people called me up for an interview (in which it's not really like a formal interview, with HR asking ALL the questions and my ex-supervisor just sat there, doing nothing), after the interview, I called up her to ask bout the status, and her HR returned call to ask me bout the salary thing, and the next thing I know,  I got the offer. As expected, yes, but . . . . . . .

WOW.

Everything just happened so quick. Not to mention, unexpected.

Frankly speaking, initially I do not have a single intention to quit my current job in the 1st place. But after what happened here and here, I can't help but to start contemplating on my next career move, whether to continue staying here in this peaceful and slow-moving company to rot with my "totally-non-IT-related" job scope, or to just move on to another level in terms of career advancement and personal improvement. Well, definitely the latter sounds more tempting to many, but in reality, everything isn't as simple as it seems. To a fresh graduate who is currently working on his 1st ever job, yes this might be an easy decision. But for someone like me who have been going through numerous job changes in such a short amount of time, it isn't an easy step to take. One wrong plunge and I might either land on Heaven or Hell. Simple as that. And if I really landed in Hell (*touches wood*), well, the road ahead will be much more difficult to move on.

For this new upcoming job offered by my ex-supervisor, well, sad & happy to say that I'm moving back to the banking line. Why both sad & happy? Sad because I'm going to work with the almost same bunch of people whom I worked before (my ex-supervisor and gang) in which might lead to boredom, happy because well, the money ! Do you know that this new company is offering me a tremendous 30% salary increase from my current one? It's definitely not easy to get such a huge leap in salary increment, not even if I get promoted 2 ranks for my current position ! So it all comes back to that ugly piece of rotten paper, destined to either ruin or improve someone's life. And like what most people say, "Never mess with money as you'll be a loser in the end if you do". And that's what I did.

I'm planning to take up the offer.

Not messing with the money. Not messing up my future either. In fact, it's much more easier to work on with my ex-supervisor-cum-future-boss  from now on, as you will basically have a grip on what is the characteristic and personality of the superior. But still . . . . . . . I'm still (yes, still) contemplating on whether am I doing the right thing. I still have the time up to next Monday to give their HR the final answer in salary and confirmation of offer before I finally confirm my move and sign up their offer letter. Which is why I'm taking this weekend to actually sit down quietly and think of where am I heading to.

Guess the benefit of doubt still plays a major part in this decision making nonsense. I guess I already have the final decision. It's just the implementation part which is making everything tougher than it seems.

I shall not burden my head longer with unnecessary stress. Final answer to be up latest by next Monday. Updates to follow up later.

If only I could take the road less taken. Good one, Robert Frost.

m i x e d

Next weekend, my first love-of-my-life will enter another stage of her life.

.

..

...

She's getting married.

And now that I have both the wedding invitation card and marriage biscuits on my hands, I have this weird, mixed feeling. This unexplainable, weird, mixed feeling of joy, sorrow, confusion, and anger. My first love . . . . . let's just address her as C. 

I'm happy - because C has finally found her true love and getting married is just the beginning to a brand new phase of life with her chosen life partner. I congratulate her; I feel happy for her; I am surprised that she actually took the initiative to invite me to her dinner, and even gave me wedding biscuits (in which are usually given to close relatives rather than friends).

I'm sad - because well, explainable. This small feeling of sorrow deep inside, knowing that the first girl you've ever loved so much in the past will be leaving her hands, and future, to another lucky man whom I don't even know his name until I looked on the invitation card.

I'm confused - because of my current feelings. Should I not feel this way, to the first, ever girl I've loved ? Should I just forget about C, and even L, & get on with this cruel life ? I don't know, I really don't know what am I actually thinking right now. Reminiscing about your first love and not your recent, previous love is really something awkward. And now that this feeling is looming deep inside, I felt a slight sense of . . . . . regret.

I'm furious - because yes, I hate myself for not taking the extra mile to actually keep her by my side during that time. Might not be my fault entirely, but still, this guilt haunts me for almost a decade already. In fact, it's been almost a decade already since I first fall in a love with someone from the opposite sex, or should I say, Miss C.

Blend all of these feelings together, and what I get as a result is a mixed feeling. A mixed, unknown feeling deep inside, telling myself to stop giving unnecessary pressure to myself, or else I'll go nuts in no time.

But still, I feel grateful, for she still treats me as a close friend (she only invited 6 friends to her wedding dinner from the batch of friends I've known, including myself), and she didn't forget me at all despite the long period of time we've never met, maybe a year ago? Yes, I'm grateful, I'm grateful.

Maybe it's time to actually leave all these feelings behind. Maybe it's time to actually leave my heavy, emotional heart at bay. Maybe it's time to actually be really, really nice, and congratulate her from the bottom of my heart.

Or maybe it's time to . . . . . . .

Wake up.

Reality is yet another cruel fact.

c r o s s r o a d s

A month ago, I shared something interesting here in my blog, regarding the reminiscence of where are we actually heading to; the exact direction which one should follow.

And just yesterday, I was "shot" deep inside my heart when someone at work told me something really, really unpleasant but too bad to be true. No lies, all facts. And this made me rethink about my current direction, in which I'm following all these while. Apparently, only now and exclusively now itself, I hate to say this but somehow it feels like I'm back to square one now. Back to the same old crossroad I've been 3 years ago when I just graduated from my university.

Frankly speaking, to cut a long story short, I'm lost. Again. Now that I'm back to this familiar crossroad, I can't stop myself from re-thinking the path I've taken 3 years ago. Or wait, should I say, the "wrong" path I took after my Form 5/SPM, in which I immediately went up to Form 6/STPM after both my parents' refusal to let me into 'A' Levels. . . which could change my life FOREVER. In other words, this wrong turn should track way back before I even step into this cruel, horrible corporate "dog-eats-cat" world. 

Arghhhh.

No use crying over spilled milk. 

The whole long winded story could be summarized to a simple flow diagram.

Free training available from Company  --> tried to get approval for training from big boss --> big boss refused with tons of excuses and justification --> big boss explains on my overall job performance and main reason why was I sent back from Bangla to Malaysia --> big boss re-stress his point to refuse my application for training  --> I became excessively emotional deep inside and that just screwed up my whole day, or should I say, for the next few weeks ?

And yes, apparently there is a reason on why was I sent back from Bangla to Malaysia in the 1st place. In fact, they simply replaced me with another person from my department without telling me this reason..... and I was just kept in the dark all the way, all the way until yesterday. And to receive this kind of humiliation without knowing what's going on or any details whatsoever from anyone, is definitely the highest insult.

My colleague, who was at the scene when my big boss told me off, informed me to go back and think deeply for yourself, whether are you aware of the current direction you're heading to? In other words, it simply means what type of work do you like to do?

Good question.

Deep confusion.

Excessive emotional response.

As I'm currently under direct stress and emotional breakdown, now I'm worried that this negative phenomenon might affect my final decision on where do I actually want to head to, career-wise.

Time to go back and think......real hard.

d i r e c t i o n

As I am currently browsing the Net here in a random cafe in Ipoh, I suddenly recall a piece of interesting article I read from my office's table calendar. As it is simply a truthful article, I did save it down in my email to actually let me reminiscence, from time to time, on where am I actually heading to. 

~~~~~

 Where are we heading ?

These days we have taller buildings,
but shorter tempers, wider freeways,
narrower viewpoints, spend more, but have less, buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses, smaller families,
more conveniences, less time,
more degrees, less sense,
more knowledge, less judgment,
more experts, but more problems,
more medicines, less wellness.

We drink too much, spend too recklessly,
laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry quickly,
stay up late, get up tired, read too little,
watch TV too much and pray too seldom.

We talk too much, love too seldom,
hate too often. We've learned how to make a living,
but not a life.
We've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.
We've conquered outer space, but not inner space.
We've done large things, but not better things.
We've cleaned the air, but polluted the soul.
We've split the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less.
We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, not wait.
We have higher incomes, lesser morals.

With computers, we have more information, but less communication.
We long for quantity, but are short on quality.
We have double incomes, but more divorces, fancier houses, but broken homes.
So where are we heading?
Perhaps, it's time to stop and reflect.

~~~~

So......where are WE actually heading to?

d e a d l o c k ---- p t 2

(This is a continuation from here.)

I'm currently posting this from the regular hotel I patron, everytime I drop by Ipoh. Not sure whether is it just me or what, it seems that the only time I can really sit down and write up something true and meaningful from my heart, are the times I step foot on either Terengganu or Ipoh. 

And....

Now that I'm back to Ipoh, here I am, writing yet another "truly yours" post.

It's been almost 3 months since I last posted something regarding this dilemma I'm facing career-wise. This....this deadlock I was facing at that time, carried on up to today and worse case, it has come up to a serious, severe level. Now, it's not only career wise; it now affects me financially, emotionally, physically and worse still, overall mentality.

Financially wise, I'm currently in the verge of financial instability due to the fact that I just got back from an overseas trip which costs me a fortune of easily a few thousand RM, pampered myself with an Apple iPod Touch 3rd Gen 32GB direct from the Apple Store online, and paid off all my credit card bills every single month to avoid any overdue credits. And now? Living purely on a single source of income posts great responsibility and one needs to be either really smart financially or thrifty overall to actually make full use of such low income. What's more, I'm currently on a very, very tight arrangement for the sake of my overall well-being while being slowly slaughtered every single month for a whole freaking year. Thank you, smart guy. You have just created a 1 full year period of debts, directly into my own, monthly credit card bill.

Emotionally, well, it's the same old story again and again. Between me & L, there's already no turning back. Or should I say, reunification. Because simply said, it's like fighting a losing war. A war between me and her mom, and I can say that her mom is already a winner since day 1 I started dating her daughter, well, without her knowledge that is. And after exchanging sms's on a regular interval, the facts further strengthen its truth. Without L, I can still survive. But without L's love, I'm merely living on a thin string, waiting for it to break any single time. And when love has abandoned me, I will lie alone in the Darkness until I die, until the day I breathe my last breath.......alone. Loneliness shall be my one and only true friend in these times of peril.

Physically, this might be good news but despite me getting thinner by day, the amount of accumulated stress via career and emotion-wise are not really helping to really reduce my already fat and bulky body. It's like a hard coconut shell without any fillings in it.

And here comes the major issue which causes the current deadlock.

Overall mentality.

My brains are currently at its peak of unstable mentality period, where any direct failure from any aspect here will cause me to become cuckoo and go nuts. Somehow, I feel that  everything I do are going towards the failed direction. Scr* w that stupid story where people keep telling you again, again and again, to keep your mind straight, positive and get something major done ! It's like negativity has taken over me all again......and with this kind of mentality, nothing will EVER go right. Not even a simple issue of buying something or going to the toilet. But.....

I can't help myself.

The feeling just stays there to torture and torment me.

OMG.

And if you could excuse me now, I'm off to bed very early now to stop myself from thinking too much.

The pain is here. Always.

m a r r i a g e

"When are you getting married ?"

The golden question that every single parent in this world would ask their children within this age range, sparkled onto me this morning, from my mom. And I didn't answer her, as I've already knew that the answer will be a very disappointing one for her.

I'm pretty sure that this hit-topping question have been going around every single person with the "Single" status hanging above their head, in the same age range as me (or even an older age range, no offence taken). And believe me, most answers to this question will be not so pleasant for the parent to listen and accept. Not to mention if you're directing this question to another fellow friend.

In fact, sad to say, for the current being, marriage is no longer the "wonderful" fairy tale that everyone anticipated it to be. It's no longer "I love you, let's live happily ever after" or nonsense like "Nothing else matters as long as I love you".

To cut a long story short, the main reason my mom thought of the question was fairly easy; most of my cousins in the same age range as me have already married, and currently expecting their first baby. In other words, my aunty-uncles' will be "upgraded" to the status of grandmothers-grandfathers very soon, where as both my parents are still "stuck" with their current status as ermm.....mothers-fathers. As such, I don't really blame them when this impatient, longing feeling of "upgrading" to a much needed status, appears when you see your other counterparts beginning to have this sense of accomplishment. Yet, they still don't get it. They still don't get this current trend of marriage.

Long gone are the days where you can get married in your early teenage days of 18 years or so, and having your first-out-of-ten kid at the age of 22. In this current age, doing the similar act will end up having the whole bl**dy community assuming that you just caused that poor young girl pregnant and you're kind of forced to get married in order to cover up that mess you've caused. Not to mention other follow-up matters such as financial wise, and baby-sitting wise to add up your woes.

What I'm trying to stress here is that getting married at this era isn't as simple as it seems. Put the "love" part aside, we have other reality issues knocking on the front door, such as financial, commitment and responsibility. Ok, maybe the commitment part isn't that significant yet until the first baby pops out, but then.....it's the financial part which will make the first kill. Ever wondered how much does a wedding ceremony, together with the preparations along with it such as dinners, photoshoot & etc, cost you? And that is just the first part, the joy has just started. Once done, you will have to plan on getting a new house, a new car (to cater for the upcoming family size), a new shared bank account, new insurance policy, and the list goes on. And everything comes along with a pretty price tag, in which if you're not that kind of thrifty saver, you're definitely end up in deep sh*t.

I'm not trying to brainwash or discourage anyone from getting married here, but my emphasis is that getting married is not just a simple thing of two person who love each deeply, to share their love for the rest of their lives. There are just other matters which will raise the obstacles alongside that fancy marriage, it's just the amount of effort taken by both parties to overcome the obstacles and make the best out of their new life.

To my dear friends who still hold the valuable "Single" status :

I see you.

To my dear friends who are happily married :

I salute you.

To my dear friends who are expecting their first child :

I congratulate you.

And most importantly,

To all parents in this world who are still asking that same, d*mn question :

BE PATIENT !

End of story.

d e a d l o c k

It's been almost a month since I returned to Malaysia from Bangladesh. The feeling of touching back homeground on 2nd April is still tingling up my head, as if it just happened yesterday. It sure feels good to be able to be back home again. However, back to my current life . . . . .


Career-wise, I reached a deadlock.


Not deadlock from the physical side, but literally. Yes, ever since I got back from No-Man's Land at Bangladesh, it feels very, very different. It's as if I'm not myself anymore. Especially back at work, when I finally found out the main reason on why was I sent back to Malaysia in the 1st place. And trust me, it isn't really pleasant to hear the reason; the only way I got to find out the reason is all thanks to my colleague's "great" eavesdropping skill, overhearing the conversation between my direct superior and her boss, supposedly the top guy in my department. Please don't ask me what's the reason, as this current dilemma, or should I say, deadlock, is beginning to shoot up my head even faster than high-blood pressure. And unknowingly blow up anytime on anyday.


Ever since I got back from Bangla, going to work seems to be one of the hardest thing for me to accept on a weekdays' basis term. In other words, the ugly feeling of not going to work at all, losing all means & interest to go to work, struck me every single day without fail. Ok, maybe minus Friday's, but for other days, it's like a daily "Monday blues" disease. It seems like I've lost the interest, the passion to get up from bed, prepare myself, tell myself "Ok, cheer up, it's time for some action", and then go directly to work with at least a slight pinch of encouragement and confidence. But I can't seem to do it at all !


What's more, ever since I got back from Bangla, as my previous tasks back there are taken over by my replacement (another of my colleague from the same department), my current job tasks back here involve taking over some st*p*d task of managing inventory, doing stock take, drafting contracts between vendors, and even developing the internal department's web portal ! It's like a combination of an ordinary operator, lawyer's assistant and web developer, all in one good package ! Looking from the bright side, yes, I can learn a lot of new stuffs' I've never heard before, but again....looking back to the long run, this will not be beneficial to my future prospects. Especially the routine ordinary operator jobs such as doing stock take and prepare for packing of materials to be sent out to our overseas partners. Do you think it'll be valuable to put this kind of nonsense to my resume? I doubt any potential employers out there who reads this kind of nonsense job task will simply spit on it and tell me to go apply for some d*mb operator job somewhere across a random factory. I'm not saying here that doing routine operator job tasks' is a lowly class job, in fact there's no job in this world which are useless or of no benefit, it's just . . . .it's just not the right kind of job class for me. Not for me. Definitely.


But again, yes, I really didn't understand why do my direct superior didn't have the guts to tell me straight to my face on most matters. And yes, this includes the main answer to the question : Why the heck am I sent back from Bangla in such a sudden notice ? No answers to that. No one told me bout that. Maybe they are simply scared, or that they worry the real answer will hurt me deep. Thankfully I have at least a colleague who is kind enough to tell me the ugly fact. At least I know what's going on.


I know by saying all these will ultimately lead to the final decision of quitting the current job, but no. No. Not this time. I've promised myself from the 1st day I started work at this company that I shall not falter, I shall not fail myself and will work hard to at least get some sort of accomplishment before leaving. And as of today, although there's not even a simple pinch of achievement or chance for me to reach for the stars, I shall go on. Persevere. Hope that my patience will not fail me during this time of peril.


Even without your love, L.


Even without encouragement from all my friends', regardless whether close or not.


Even without support and guidance from family members.


I shall rely on myself. Me alone.


And see how far can I go.


- To be continued . . .

s a m m i

Everytime I look at this image, I can't hold myself but to shed some tears.


What's more, with the fading, serene voice of hers looming across the background right now, playing through my faithful MP3 player. Ohhh, what a mere coincidence !


Yes, I know that crying part might portray me as a weak, useless guy who only knows how to cry when it comes to a level when sh*t happens. But again, this is so unpredictable. Uncontrollable. Unresistant. It's just.....just.....the unleash of sorrow which was kept too long from within.

To cut a long story short, here's what happened :


1) Found out that Sammi Cheng, a popular Cantopop singer from Hong Kong whom I fancy very, very much, is coming to Malaysia for a concert in Genting.

2) Excited, ecstatic, high, for a moment.

3) Went (straight away, on the spot!) to buy a ticket at the ticketing counter, but failed due to tickets not on sale yet at counters.

4) Went to book online at Genting's website, succeeded.

5) Continue to book accommodation at Theme Park Hotel, succeeded.

6) Seek help from a friend to collect the concert ticket at Genting OneHub centre.

7) GOT THE TICKET FINALLY!!

8) Waited impatiently for the time to arrive.

9) Back at work, an offer to work for a huge-scale, overseas project came by.

10) My boss offered me the chance, and needed a confirmed reply in 24 hours.

11) Thought hard, hesitated, twisted, turned, contemplated.

12) Finally decided to let go of the concert, and proceed to accept the job offer to work overseas at Bangladesh.

13) Passed my concert ticket over to my sister, and also changed hotel booking to cater for my sister's checking-in.

14) Flew to Bangladesh.

15) Time passes by, day by day. The sorrow feeling looms deeply.

16) The date of her concert, 19th March 2010, finally arrives today.

17) The initial build-up of sorrow finally unleash itself, together with the gradual sorrow that built up day by day.


And trust me, the unleashing part doesn't look too good on my image. Especially at public.


But again, this is reality.


I am (still) not sure whether I did the right thing by accepting this job offer to work overseas, rather than letting it go, just for the sake to attend Sammi's concert. Despite the short 24 hours notice I got from my boss to decide whether to accept the job offer at that time, I've thought of it so hard that my brain almost blew off, just like that. And with my solitary attitude of not consulting anybody to decide on something which will change my upcoming career path, I finally decided to take up this job offer and sacrifice my concert together with it.


Since then, a question kept haunting me.


Is it worth it?


A simple question, yet an unanswered one.


It's approximately 17 days since I left home to travel to this place, 2580 km away from KL. Nothing, no one familiar here besides work colleagues and several local partners. The feeling of being abandoned and despised, looms above me everytime I start work here. It's as if I'm not appreciated. Not being looked up to. Maybe due to the fact that I'm the person who keeps doing my own job task and don't really interact or social much with the local partners here. Well, what do they expect from me? I'm not some Sales or Marketing guy who is assigned to build and foster up some business relationship with you guys who often speak your local, mother tongue of Bengali ! I'm a Project Management guy, oh please ! And worse still, my Department's Director (which is my direct superior's boss) is also here in Bangladesh, monitoring the whole flow of this project. And what I can say is he's not too happy with me, due to the fact that I'm not the kind of sweet talker or "shoe polisher" (which he fancy very much) person, but in fact, I'm the kind of ordinary guy who works as usual and complete the tasks given to him, not to mention the amount of effort put into work.


Which is why, in the 1st place, I wondered whether I did the right thing or not.


But again, I still remember what I heard somewhere....


Do not regret on your own decision, as it is your own choice.


My own choice, oh yes. I can't possibly blame anyone on this. What's done has been done. And if you could excuse me, I'm off with my dosage of endless Sammi's songs to heal my soul......and deep wound.


Life is too short to work like a cow.

3 - i m a g e s

The self-explained subject of this post simply means...describing Bangladesh (my current location) in 3 simple images.

I am assigned by the company to work in Bangladesh for a project...

...where I get to meet the Prime Minister on my 3rd day of stay...

...and finding this place for some non-spicy, Chinese food in such an unfamiliar location.

More updates to come...if only I could reach for the unknown, long-awaited break off work.